Amy and Kevin Heisel already had four teenage boys when they adopted 14-year-old June from Thailand. They worried about what the transition would be like for each of their children. But in navigating the changes as a family, they’ve been encouraged by their sons’ warm welcome, and how June has embraced becoming a daughter and sister.
“You are going to be grandparents again!!!”
I’m sure this message was unexpected when it appeared on my mother’s digital photo frame. I often sent photos that would give her a small notification. She could open it and be temporarily transported to the baseball game or awards ceremony that was happening several states away. It was a great way for us to stay connected, but this was the first time I had sent an announcement like this.
A Heart for Adoption
It may have seemed abrupt, but Kevin and I have always had a heart for children joining families through foster care or adoption. Over the first 20 years of our marriage, we had routinely redefined how it fit into our family. Sometimes we donated money to other families in the adoption process or donated time to organizations meeting the need. In 2020 we were finally ready to expand our own family this way. We had intentionally kept the conversations leading to this big decision private so we could limit the static and clearly discern the next steps.
“When the boys were older and more independent, we decided the time was right to follow through with our dream of adding one more child through international adoption.”
And we have a lot of static. The six of us have always been a mess of evolving energy. Kevin and I were barely married when we added four boys in quick succession. Career opportunities then moved us to five states in a span of 10 years. Our life was always changing, always moving, always full of friends, activities. So when the boys were older and more independent, we decided the time was right to follow through with our dream of adding one more child through international adoption. Our boys were 19, 17, 13 and 10 at the time.
Knowing it could only be successful with efforts from us all, we asked the boys for their input. We explained the sacrifices and the rewards. We shared the training information. They were on board.
Beautiful, But Bumpy
Our daughter was 14 when we met in Thailand. It seemed logical to add an older child to our mix. We were older. The boys were older. We were in a stage of life that had passed elementary school. No one needed to be measured before riding the roller coaster at the theme park. We were enjoying our older children and wanted to share the adventure. When we found there was a great need to match older kids — especially teens — we believed it could be a win-win.
We didn’t expect it to be an easy path. Can adding a new member to your family ever be easy? But we were committed and excited to see what our family would become. We knew it would be beautiful, but bumpy, and I was determined to smooth the road for everyone as best I could. So, I dove into research. I read every book I could find, watched every Ted Talk-type workshop, and listened to hours and hours of podcasts. But I was shocked at how little information there was regarding older child adoption, with even fewer resources for adopting teens. I tried to adapt what I could find to fit our situation, but I still felt woefully unprepared.
Meeting in Thailand
On that magical day in 2022 when we first met our daughter, June, Kevin and I stood in a brightly painted multipurpose room talking with the social workers. A woman entered and said June was finished packing and on her way. My breath caught and time stood still. Three-thousand thoughts raced through my head in a few short seconds. What do I say? Do I hug her? Do I step back and let Kevin greet her first? Do I step forward so that he doesn’t? I was frozen with fear. Before I could make any decision, she walked through the door.
I don’t remember what happened next. I have a photo of me gently touching her back and a smile so large it almost made my mask fall off, but I don’t remember that moment. I’m grateful that Kevin was ready with the camera because I can see now that she is smiling too.
I worried needlessly, but that unprepared feeling — that panic — continued as the days went on.
My Worries
I worried that she had been independent for too long and would resent any guidance that we offered. I worried that she would be afraid of us. I was wrong. She wanted us to guide her and she was ready to embrace her new role as daughter and sister. She quickly bonded with her brothers and she still enjoys being “Daddy’s girl.”
In the earliest days, she and I would spend hours looking through photos naming family members and explaining holiday traditions. She soaked it all in and then taught us about traditional Thai foods and holidays. She honored the boundaries we set. As she has grown to trust us and as we have learned to communicate more effectively, she is finding her voice. She asks for more freedom (she is a good negotiator) and shares more of her dreams for the future. Together we are finding the best way to get there.
“The wisdom gained in years past made us uniquely qualified for our new teen.”
This push and pull for independence wasn’t new to us. We had experienced it as the boys grew older. Some of them were out of the house by the time she came and some were just entering adolescence, but the wisdom gained in years past made us uniquely qualified for our new teen.
Adding a Teenager to Our Family
Still, I worried about them all. I knew this stage of emerging adulthood required a lot of guidance. I worried that the boys would resent her and the attention she would need to adjust to a new country, new school, new life. Though we had all committed to making this new family work, I imagined that I would witness more sibling rivalry than we already had.
Instead, to my surprise and great joy, I had a front row seat to their sensitive and kind hearts on full display. Rather than believing they had to sacrifice to give her what she needed, they all generously and enthusiastically welcomed her and forged their own bonds. One of her brothers would run his texts through the translator before sending them so she could read them in Thai. One would always suggest she be on his team for game night. They introduced her to their friends, watched Thai movies with English subtitles, and always anticipated her needs. It was amazing to see the gentle, thoughtful sides of these young men unfolding before me. I hadn’t anticipated that opportunity.
Embraced by Our Community
There were more opportunities in the way she was embraced by our community. Extended family, school officials, church members — all went above and beyond any expectations I had to welcome her and ensure her success. At a family gathering, I was afraid her brothers would run off with their cousins and leave her alone. When we arrived, my sweet nephew made sure she didn’t lag behind and was fully included.
In the school setting, I worried that she would fall behind or be ignored. However, her teachers modified her assignments and allowed her to work at a pace that worked for her. She bonded with two teachers in particular. One arranged a day at the movie theater for the class after school, with the intent for June to connect with other students. She sacrificed her own time to help us build connections with other families. My daughter wasn’t just another student to her. This teacher saw that she needed more than a schoolbook and knew that her academic growth would come after she felt safe and connected. She was helping us to guide all areas of June’s development.
Embracing the Unexpected
June had worries too. I noticed that she never left her phone. I assumed she was an average teen glued to her device and I was constantly trying to get her to put it down or leave it at home. But I learned later that she worried we would leave her behind or she would get separated from us. Her phone was her resource. My expectation of a “typical” teen blinded me to see the real fear and to meet her need for reassurance and security. It was a wakeup call that I should embrace the unexpected and open my eyes to the reality we were in — not what I was wanting it to be or what I had planned it to be.
“Over and over in this journey we have been surprised by unexpected blessings. When we leapt into this with both feet, we were committed to parenting another child, come what may. We didn’t know how that would look. We didn’t know how it would change our lives, but we knew it would be glorious and we knew we could get through it together. “
Over and over in this journey we have been surprised by unexpected blessings. When we leapt into this with both feet, we were committed to parenting another child, come what may. We didn’t know how that would look. We didn’t know how it would change our lives, but we knew it would be glorious and we knew we could get through it together. Like a marriage vow, for better or for worse, Heisel6 — the nickname we had for our family — was going to be Heisel7.
The Slow Unveiling of Who She Really Is
We could have gotten lost in all of the “what ifs” and expected the worst-case scenario. On the flip side, we also could have reveled in a false sense of security that came from medical and school reports that were such a small snapshot of our daughter. If we had clung to a vision of who we thought was walking through the door of that multipurpose room, we would have been blind to the unexpected blessings that have come from the slow unveiling of who she really is.
When this new person entered our world, she came with her own history, her own set of chromosomes, her own personality. We slowly discovered her preferences and routines and added them into the world we had created to make something new. None of us has what we started with. What we are making is better than we imagined. Our family will continue to grow and change. The boys are now men and they are introducing new faces to our holidays and vacations. We will weave those traditions and preferences into our own and make something new again. As I let go of the pictures I had anticipated for our future, I can’t take my eyes off of this continuously new portrait of Heisel7.
Amy Heisel | Holt Adoptive Mom
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