Mom, I Forgive You

Adoptee Krista Gause shares a letter she wrote to her birth mom before she traveled on the summer 2016 Holt Heritage Tour of Korea. 

The adoption agency suggested that I write you a letter. And while I know I’m supposed to keep this brief, I just can’t. I have so many things to share with you. Did you ever have a friend who you only saw every now and then but you loved each other so much that time and distance didn’t matter? And that when you finally did see that friend you had a laundry list of things to share with her? That’s exactly how I feel right now.

Mom, I’m really happy. I graduated from college. I have a pretty fun career. I lived in New York City for close to ten years. I have a sister who is my best friend. I have two psychotic dogs. Mom, I’m married. He makes me smile and laugh every day. When I annoy him he says my name three times in a row. And when he knows I’m thinking about you he just holds my hand and lets me get lost in thought.

The adoption agency that suggested I write you a letter could only answer a few questions for me. For example, I know now that you and my father were 23 when I was born. I know now that you were students at the same university. I know now, after 28 years of wondering, that I was born in the morning. That I was born as K88-0576, and that my social worker assigned me the name Kim Hee Yung, and that I liked to drink barley tea as a baby and I “smiled spontaneously” in my sleep.

Mom, if you ever think of me, you should know that I forgive you. Maybe you’re not looking for forgiveness, but still… I forgive you.

This is an excerpt of a longer post that appeared on Holt’s blog in June 2016, and originally appeared on  Krista’s blog, Adopted and Korean

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