Through candid (and often funny!) observations and heartwarming personal stories, a Holt adoptive mother shares the challenges and joys of parenting adopted children. Read more of Jane’s post adoption blogs by clicking here.
All young children have some trouble expressing their true emotions. I think this is particularly true of adopted children who feel the need to hide more of what they are feeling in an effort to fit in and not rock anybody’s boat. Sometimes they will act out their emotions and sometimes if they are willing to talk, they tell you something that really isn’t the issue.
Stacee came home from school very sad and crying one day when she was seven. I had a special place in my bedroom — a chair — where I often invited the children to sit and talk to me when I sensed that they needed to tell me about something or express some emotion. When we were sitting in my chair I asked Stacee what was wrong. She said in a tearful voice that she was sad because she was the only girl in her class who did not have blonde hair.
I knew this wasn’t true because I had visited her class many times and her best friend was Japanese. I listened for a couple of minutes, let her cry, and then I said “Sweetheart, I think that’s not actually what’s going on. There are certainly a lot of blonde girls in your class, but there are girls with brown hair like yours and even some girls with black hair like your best friend. So why don’t you tell me what this crying is really all about.” She started crying harder while we sat there for a few minutes longer, and then she said in the saddest, softest little voice, “I have a hole in my heart.” I said, “You do? Why do you have a hole in your heart?” She said, “I have a hole in my heart where my birth mom belongs.”
I sat there for a moment and let her cry and thought very hard and quickly about how I might respond to her. I hadn’t told Stacee very much about my own birth mother who died the same year I adopted my twin boys. I hadn’t told her very much because there wasn’t a great deal of “positive” to tell. But Stacee was so intuitive at her young age, I thought I could now say something about the situation without giving a lot of details. I said to Stacee very softly, “Well Stacee, you know Mama had a birth mother too. You know you haven’t met her because she died before you were born. But I need to tell you something Stacee…despite the fact that I had a birth mother, I have a hole in my heart too. My birth mother was very difficult to live with and very hard to get along with. I think maybe one of the reasons you and I are together is because we fill each other’s hearts.” Continue reading “Surviving, Learning, Laughing: The “Real” Story”