Four Families Show the Evolution of Adoption in India
By Laura Lucas, assistant editor
The word on her t-shirt declared it all: “Godsent.”
Manasi’s parents had probably made her wear the bright pink tee—and so it may have been a bit uncool—but it was true in their hearts nonetheless. This moment had been literally 26 years in the making. For 13 years the Rajans could not conceive, and for 13 years they had had Manasi, their darling adopted daughter, their gift from God.
The scene could be anywhere in the United States, with any loving adoptive family. But the Rajans were sitting in the Bharatiya Samaj Seva Kendra (BSSK) office in Pune, India, last November, sharing their story of domestic Indian adoption.
The Rajans were one of four Indian families, also including the Varmas, the Shahs, and the Guptas,* who opened up about why they adopted and what they think of adoption today in India. In many ways the evolution of Indian domestic adoption parallels the evolution of adoption in the United States. As it grows, adoption becomes more open, more common, and more inclusive.
Domestic adoption in an organized manner in India is only several decades old. In the 1970s or 1980s, the typical profile of a family who adopted was one who could not have a child by birth and one who kept their adoption more secret, even from their child. Over the last 10 years there has been a trend toward adoption as a choice for parents who want to grow their families, with girls and boys being adopted almost equally and with parents being more open to children with some special needs. There are new adoptee organizations, and families have more resources and parenting skills. The local Indian media has taken an active interest in adoption, and agencies like BSSK have more research and information to guide their programs.
With all these positive changes at work in the landscape of adoption in India, it’s no wonder I had a great group of devoted parents and wonderfully adjusted kids to interview at BSSK. Their stories are a living example of how fully these changes have taken hold.
Godsent
The Rajans’ devotion to Manasi was evident immediately—her t-shirt was just one clue that this was a happy family. Beaming when talking about their daughter, the parents went on and on. “She’s very sensitive. She’s very matured. She’s very artistic. And she knows what she wants.” Deep, intelligent, talkative. Manasi is their everything.
While often putting her hand over her daughter’s, Meenakshi Rajan recounted her journey to adoption.
She and her husband, Col. KK Rajan, tried for 13 years to have a child. Mrs. Rajan admits with a laugh that while she was never one to believe in such things normally, she went to “gurus and charlatans” who promised her ways to conceive and gave her unfulfilled hope for a child by birth. When she was 36, she was told that she had no chance, and they turned to adoption through an acquaintance who has an association with BSSK. When the social worker asked what they wanted, Mrs. Rajan knew right away. “We said we want a girl, a healthy girl. That’s all we wanted.”
The Rajans selected the first child they saw, and the rest is a dream. How did their life change? “A sea change,” says Col. Rajan. “Cannot be explained in words. All the happiness that has been showered on us, it has continued for the last 13 years.”
The biggest issues the family wrestled with were Mrs. Rajan’s fears that she wouldn’t have that maternal instinct and how to tell Manasi that she was adopted. The first fear was quashed immediately when she first heard her daughter’s cry. The second was more difficult.
Mrs. Rajan describes the constant worry of “How do I tell this child? How do I tell this child?” as “background music” to their life. The parents were biding their time waiting to tell Manasi she was adopted when she took the initiative herself. When she was about 9 or 10 Manasi had a dream that made her wonder where she came from, so she asked her mom. It was during the Diwali holiday, and there was lots of family around. The three shut the door to Mrs. Rajan’s bedroom, and the story came out. “He was crying, and I was crying. She was crying.”
Manasi says she was happy once she was told. “First I didn’t react to it. I didn’t understand.” But when she saw the kids at BSSK and heard more about adoption at her school she began to see the choice her parents had made, and she was happy.
The other challenge to being an adoptive parent, says Col. Rajan, is society. The family still keeps Manasi’s adoption secret from some family and friends. And yet they say that they have seen society change over the years. “Earlier people were hesitant to adopt because of social taboos,” says Col. Rajan. “I don’t think that now social taboos are any more relevant. People are coming out and adopting children.”
“What I notice is that people are adopting at a younger age,” adds Mrs. Rajan. “They don’t wait 13 or 14 years.”
Trusting Him
The Guptas* certainly didn’t wait that long. This couple, who asked that their name be kept confidential, are the proud adoptive parents of Preeti, an 18-month-old girl who is clearly the apple of their eye.
The Guptas also could not have a child by birth, experiencing three miscarriages before they considered adoption. They did a lot research on agencies and were shocked at those that wanted money right away or that tried to force a baby on them. When they found BSSK, they got a quality social worker, and it took six months to get a child. But that wasn’t the end of their rollercoaster.
Shown five girls, the parents were immediately smitten with Preeti, but it turned out that she had been born to a mother with HIV. Preeti previously had tested HIV-positive, though there were conflicting medical reports. After two months of no sleep, the parents got the final blood test results: Preeti was HIV-negative. They decided to go ahead with the adoption, BSSK’s first such adoption of a child who had been HIV-positive. The Guptas took a chance and took their 9-month-old daughter home in February 2002.
By the time I spoke to them in November, Preeti was already a vibrant toddler. Clearly used to great love and attention, she showed off by blowing kisses, imitating animal sounds, and smiling constantly.
The Guptas aren’t worried about how to tell Preeti she is adopted and are confident that they will be able to answer her questions. In fact, Mrs. Gupta has a saying that she carries around with her, a bit of wisdom that helped get her through the tough times before they got Preeti:
“This morning I prayed: ‘Oh, Lord, grant me the gift of loving, childlike trust. As a child trusts its mother, so may I learn to trust Thee!’
“To trust God is to accept His will in all conditions and circumstances of life. To trust him is to rejoice in all that happens. In sickness and suffering, in calamity and ill-will, in loss of possessions and power, in danger, disaster, and death, let the heart sing: —‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust him.’”
A Choice
Prerna Shaw had always wanted to adopt. Her husband took a little more convincing. In fact, before adopting Ishita some six years ago, they were quite content living without children. But you never know what you’re missing until you find it.
“I think our house is more a home after she came,” says Prerna. Her husband later adds that while his wife wanted to adopt, he addressed it at first “like an afterthought.” Now he is smitten with his 6-year-old daughter. “I often pray and thank God for Ishita.”
Prerna had volunteered with BSSK for several years before she broached her husband about adoption. “Before I had never given it a thought,” he says. He wanted to let the idea sink in awhile and tell his family before they went ahead. It took a few months. While it was not exactly difficult to convince his family, it had just never occurred to them that a couple who could have children would want to adopt as their first choice. “Why don’t you have one of your own and then adopt?” they had asked.
It was a choice to make, and once they decided to go forward, they never looked back.
“The first time I saw her, she had a very angry face,” laughs Chandresh Shah. “Eyes shut, kind of a growl on her face. I said this is the baby we are adopting!” They named her Ishita, which means “grand success.”
Although Ishita is now 6 years old, they have already engaged her on adoption issues using stories and trips to BSSK. Sometimes Ishita brings her adoption up herself. Prerna told me how Ishita asked about her birth mom when she was about 5 years old.
“She once asked me, ‘Why did she leave me?’ … And ‘How did she look like?’ I said I haven’t seen her birth mother so I didn’t know how did she look like. And she just looked at me and stopped. … But she is always checking things. The next day when he was bathing her she was asking, ‘Mommy hasn’t seen my birth mother, but have you seen her?’” Ishita was making sure she got the same story from both parents.
Prerna and Chandresh have been very up front with Ishita and say it doesn’t pay to be dishonest or paint a fairy tale. They have taken her numerous times to BSSK to see the other children, and when Ishita was younger they participated in the BSSK events for adoptive families.
At the end of our discussion they brought out the photos and started to show her off. The dimples, the smile. They rattled off how she is like her parents: persistent like mom, talkative and friendly like dad. Ishita is truly their child.
A Very Simple Thing
Meghna and Rishi Varma are perhaps the latest evolution in the modern Indian adoptive family. Following a recent trend of having one birth child and adding to the family through adoption, the Varmas recently adopted 10-month-old Aaliyah.
“We are very open about it,” says Meghna. “Even though she is a baby we don’t hesitate to use the word ‘adopted.’ … Right in front of her from the very beginning we are going to make sure that she knows where she comes from.”
Rishi Varma has long had a relationship with BSSK through his photography business, which often takes pictures of children in care. In fact, it was he who suggested adoption to his wife, who needed to think through the idea. Meghna then worked at BSSK for six months and saw the positive effects of adoption and the good work of the agency. She became sure that she also wanted to adopt—and she had other motivations: “We desperately wanted a girl, and there is no girl in the Varma family,” she laughs.
The openness, frankness, and sheer comfort with which this couple speaks about adoption and its place in their family is evident. They tell friends and family about their story. There was no permission they had to seek from relatives or questioning of “why do you want to adopt?” “They were all quite happy with it,” says Rishi.
The Varma’s son, Aditya, is 3 years old, and the other day asked why he and Aaliyah were not both birth children. Meghna answered his question by saying that God chooses how children come to their parents. The simplicity of her answer seemed to satisfy him, but Meghna knows Aaliyah will also have the same questions.
“Definitely one day she will come up and ask why have I come from BSSK and why did my parents abandon me, and things like that.”
Rishi jumps in. “The truth will always be better. And if you are confident in bringing up the child, it wouldn’t be any other way.”
Rishi doesn’t really think that adoption in India is different from adoption anywhere else, and he thinks that openness depends on family, not society. But Meghna sees change. “I think adoption is something that is becoming very very open in our country now. More and more people are going for adoption out of choice.” Like the Varmas.
On Track
None of this is news to BSSK Director Roxana Kalyanvala who has worked at BSSK now for almost 20 years and has seen with her own eyes the subtle yet constant evolution of domestic adoption.
When she first started in June 1983 there were fewer families interested in adoption, and those who were wanted a very specific kind of child: Hindu, light skinned, male, very young.
“But times have changed today,” Roxana says. “I think it’s maybe the media, the families who have got positive experiences and who’ve gone and shared it with other people. There has been so much more exposure to it, and people are just beginning to get more open about the whole concept of adoption.”
Right now BSSK places about 100-120 children domestically each year. With the growth in numbers, BSSK has also grown their services, including new pre-adopt classes in addition to post-adoption classes, counseling, events for adoptive families, and the like. It used to be that a family could inquire about adoption and have a child within weeks; now there is a eight month wait. Families are coming back for a second adoption, and families aren’t keeping adoption a secret from their extended family and friends. BSSK even had its first single male applicant adopt a child a few months ago.
“There has been a change, phenomenal change I would say, in domestic adoptions. From what I have seen in the early 80s from the time I have been working today you have families waiting. You have families motivated, interested, questions.”
Another thing that’s changing is the age of adoptees. Now that BSSK has been doing domestic adoptions for 23 years, their oldest adoptees are about that same age. And with the openness about adoption in society, more adoptees are coming back to the agency to ask about their birth parents or to see where they were cared for. The day I talked to Roxana a 10-year old boy had come to ask her why he was abandoned. With feedback from and interactions with adoptees like this, Roxana can learn more about the experience of adoptees themselves and perhaps learn how to improve domestic adoption services even more. Former BSSK Director Mrs. Lata Joshi has formed a new adoptee organization, ANUJ, which is also a catalyst for learning more about adoption and its effects on children (see “A Place for Someone Like Me”).
With all the positive steps forward in domestic adoption in India, it’s still easy to see that adoption in India is much like adoption around the world:
“Families are so excited waiting for the child they don’t realize how their life is going to change, dramatically and completely.”
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