Attacment related or normal behavior??

[Ashley]

DS, who is now 16 months old, is our first child. He has been displaying some behaviors for a little while now that concern me, but friends and family tell me they are normal behaviors for his age. I feel DS does have some attachment problems, but seem to be the only person that thinks this.

As I have posted before we co-sleep with DS. His sleeping is getting better and we no longer co-sleep for naps. At night though he will not go to sleep unless unless either me or DH are there with him. Most nights he wakes around 2:30am and searches for me or DH. Often he wants to lay on my chest. He goes back to sleep easily, but is usually restless for the next hour to two hours.

As of recently DS has began hitting. He mainly does this to me, DH, and our dogs. He will occassionally hit his grandparents who take care of him each day while DH and I work, but doesn't seem to hit anyone else. On a tyipical day DS will hit me 2 or 3 times. It is typically a slap to my face and seems to happen when he is frustrated, tired, hungry, etc.

He also has started to spit out food at meal times. He always eats well with breakfast and does the majority of time with lunch, but dinner is a different story. Trying to get him to take the first bite is usually a struggle. Once he takes a bite he either continues eating without a problem or will eat a few bites before starting to spit out any food we give him. This even happens with foods that we know are his favorites.

I am not sure how to proceed. Could these behavior be attachement related, a normal behavior for his age, or a combination? I don't want to read too much into his actions, but at the same time I want to make sure I don't ignore anything.

[sarahfsk]

Sounds pretty typical for the age. Most of the kids in my daughter's daycare class went through a hitting/biting stage around that age -- lasted about a year, with some kids going through it sooner/later than others.

For the food, I found at that age that my daughter was hungrier and more interested in a variety of foods at breakfast and lunch than at supper. I wonder if by the end of the day she was just tired and getting cranky.

[windy]

Ashley,
I cannot answer your question as I am not an expert on attachment and my daughter never went through a hitting/biting stage. However, in reading your post some of the Love & Logic techniques seem like they may help you and your son. I'm not sure if you have read anything about the techniques, but they really do work well and I know there are a lot of families on the BB that use it successfully.

I hope you find some answers to your questions and do hope that you can find a way to deal with these issues quickly and successfully. Best of luck!

[HLLB]

I'm no expert, but because he's not just hitting YOU, I would lean more towards the typical behavior side. Ah, the joyous hitting stage.....been there, done that.

[Joanne]

Yes it can be attachment related and it can also be age related, or both. Whatever the cause, you can treat it the same way. Treat it as if attachment related as far as how you'd intervene and you can't go wrong, right?

[mom.mia.kai]

sounds very typical to me...

[VN2NJ]

My DD is 18 months old and does the EXACT SAME THING! She will hit me, DH, or the dogs. She will also randomly spit out mouthfuls of food during dinner time. I honestly believe it is her testing her boundaries. I have been punishing and correcting her for both behaviors. She knows how to use "nice hands" with us and the dog. As for the spitting out food thing, we try to give her the first mouthful and if she spits it out, we take her bowl away and she sits there and watches us eat all our food. After a few minutes, she gets the hint and starts to beg for her food back. After we are finished eating, we will feed her and by then she is done playing and wants to eat. I def see it as power struggle behaviors and the key is to not allow the child to know it bothers you in an emotional way. Hope this helps! You are not alone!

[Emma'smom]

When Emma is in speech, one of the sibs of another child receiving services is a 16 month old boy. He is NT and not adopted. He does exactly what you described. Some boys are more "rowdy" than others. He also is a bit sleepy because he isn't getting great sleep at night. Little guys so through periods of hitting and fighting for control. You have to give it to them in other ways and redirect as much as possible. Sleep is vital. I think I would try to find a way for him not to use you as a prompt at night since it is interferring with his sleep. Clearly you want him to feel safe but you also want him to get good quality sleep. You can't do that sleeping on another person. People move and when they do you bring him out of deep sleep.

My 2 cents,

[Kerin in DE]

I was just chatting with a woman yesterday about her 18-month old (bio daughter) and she was describing the same kids of "defiant" type behaviors.

I tend to think this is a really good age to start some sign language if you haven't done so. It could help to cut down on some of the frustration and help him to assert some independence by being able to communicate with you better.

I actually think the behaviors you described are a positive thing -- you didn't say how long your son has been home, but it sounds like he's comfortable enough with you now to exhibit the normal behaviors.

I'm not an expert, but there's my 2 cents.

[countrymom]

I agree with another poster, treat it as though it could be attachment and you can't go wrong. For attachment and bonding you want to do two things:
1. Show that there are defined boundaries and you will consistently enforce them. This is very secure for toddler and is what any child needs. Personally, I would feed him for awhile. We fed our youngest until he was 24 months because of food issues. This gets rid of control battles and promotes attachment. We needed to see him look at us for every bite, and if he spit food out, tried to grab the spoon, or any other inappropriate behavior we pushed his high chair back and went about eating for 2 or 3 minutes. We did not let him see in anyway that we were concerned that he was not eating. Typically after that he was ready to eat nicely.
2. It never hurts to practice attachment and bonding activities. www.a4everfamily.org has a lot of great ideas. Keep him with you, continue to carry him if you have a carrier, have floor time with him, there are many things you can do.
Nights can be harder to figure out. Every child is so different. If he has been home more then 4 months you might try nights with a different arrangement and see what happens. Sometimes discontinuing cosleeping can actually produce better nights. Good luck!

[duparsmug]

When our guy was that age, he must've tried to hit the dog every single day. Because his overall behavior seemed "right," I never really worried about it being anything more than a really annoying phase. That said, Joanne's advice sounds smart.

[Jennie]

My little guy has been doing the same sorts of things for the past couple of months. Since I have two older kids, I feel pretty confident that it's "normal toddler behavior," but I do respond a little differently than I did with my bio kids.

With the hitting, I tell him "hands are not for hitting" and ask him to "show Mama (or sissy or big brother or Max, the dog, or daddy) gentle." Then he gently strokes the person he hit. If he keeps hitting, I tell him that if he uses his hands for hitting then Mama will be in control of his hands. Then, I hold him for a couple of minutes so that he can't use his hands. After that, we try the gentle thing again.

With my older kids, I did more of a "time out" type thing, but I don't think that's appropriate for an adopted child who hasn't been home very long.

Don't even get me started on the food. Oy. We have had quite a bit of success in curbing the hitting, though. I often see him raise his hand to hit someone and realize that it's not going to fly. At that point, he pats the person gently. Very cute.

[VN2NJ]

[quote="Jennie"]I did more of a "time out" type thing, but I don't think that's appropriate for an adopted child who hasn't been home very long.[quote]

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel this way?

[Linda in NJ]

The hitting behavior is common is this age group. Needs to have limits set.

As for co-sleeping, one of the problems with co-sleeping (whether bio or adopted!) is that they search for the parent all night long. Even if he was bio, he may know you will leave so he wants you to stay with him from the beginning. Also, common that he is searching for you at night. Wants to sleep on top of you so he knows you are there. If a child is used to sleeping alone, they don't have the "searching" behavior. Ever heard parents who co-sleep talk about how one is slapped and one is kicked all night? Very common! So the sleep behavior could be that due to his transition, he is searching for you and needing comfort. But it could also be a result of co-sleeping.

As for attachment, I'll share some info that helped us. When Grace came home, she didn't sleep. Was it attachment or a medical problem? IAP pointed out how Grace showed all good signs of attachment during the day. At night, she woke and the only thing that soothed her was a bottle. I could walk into the room, but the bottle in her mouth (never pick her up), she would take 10 sips and go back to sleep. The IAP felt that since during the day she sought me for comfort and was comforted by me, she would do the same at night. At night, all she wanted was the bottle which was consistent with pain from reflux. She also had many other signs of reflux pain and a milk scan (radiology study) to confirm the reflux.

So the big question is, What is his behavior like the rest of the day? Do you think he has good attachment or possible problems outside the hitting, spitting out and sleep problems. With Grace, I don't think the bonding could have been better. I had felt an immediate bond with her. she had great eye contact, sought me for comfort and appeared to be comforted by me. Of course, I worried about the sleep being related to attachment, but the IAP helped me see it was related to the reflux. When I went to Korea 4yrs after we adopted Grace, I met with her fm again. In my conversation with the fm, she described Grace's behavior to a tee!!! I then knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Grace's sleep problems had been happpening in Korea (due to reflux) and nothing to do with attachment.

You may get different input from each of us. But I think all of us would agree to go with your gut. If you think it's more than age appropriate behavior, I'd seek help from an IAP or AT.

[Jennie]

I did more of a "time out" type thing, but I don't think that's appropriate for an adopted child who hasn't been home very long.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you feel this way?

I think each family has to do what feels right for them. For me, it doesn't feel right to use social isolation as a discipline technique for a child who (probably) does not yet have a secure attachment. I want DS to know that I/we love him and will be there for him regardless of his behavior. When I am holding him and not letting him use his hands, I tell him something like, "Mommy is here to keep you safe and help you learn to be gentle. It is not okay to hit."

I'm sure other things work for other families, and that is absolutely fine. Honestly, this technique seems to be working a lot better than time out ever did with my older kids.