Name Guilt!

[Beadmama]

OK who is with me and has huge guilt about changing their baby's name???? I LOVE my baby's Korean name but no one would ever say it right in America. Luckily his foster mother has a son with the same name as we chose (Tae) and is already referring to him as Tae when we chat. Not sure if she is transitioning him at home yet or not. We keep the Korean name as the middle so they still have it. I just feel sooooooo bad.

[dagmara04]

I have found that the pronunciation thing is not as big of a deal as I was expecting. People aren't typically right if they try to pronounce my kids' names when seeing them printed but they have no problem remembering them once I correct it. And while I think easy-to-pronounce names are fantastic (my daughter is named Lillian, for example), I find that there are so many creative names these days and so many different spellings of each name that I need help to correctly pronounce a lot of the names of children I meet.

[PullingMyHairOut]

If you feel really bad about it, maybe you might want to reconsider. If pronunciation is your hang-up, maybe alternate spellings would help. Like for instance, I didn't realize for a long time that the "eo" combination sounds more like a short "u" sound; Seong would be pronounced similar to Sung (and so on with other sounds). Both spellings are acceptable, but one is easier to pronounce from sight.

And you know, you don't actually have to decide on a name right away if you don't feel comfortable. We have not picked out a name for our child we were matched with a year ago (and we will be changing it - no guilt yet ), but we feel comfortable deciding on a name after we meet and get to know her personality. As long as we figure out a name before we finalize, I won't be sweatin' it.

[JAJRBE]

I was thinking on keepting the name as well but this has been a much discussed topic in our house lateley LOL

We have two korean international students living with us and they both picked American names before they came. I ask them why and they said they said they wanted to fit in the best they could.

I ask them their opinon about the baby's name and they both voted to change it to an American name. They said he would always be born Korean but would only ever know or feel like an American and they thought he would prefer an American name.

They are just teenagers but I think we did decided to go with an American name. Either name you choose will be right for you and your family.

[mitten_nnp]

I think it's different depending on your state of residence... our agency has already submitted our legals through the local court system for our I-600 (to be honest I'm still a little confused at how it all works - if any Michigander wants to try and explain it to me, I'm all ears). Anyways, we had to make a final decision on his name, and no, I don't regret it. We gave our son a family name as his surname, and kept the name his birthmother gave him as his middle name.

Since you're still keeping his Korean given name as a middle name, I don't think all is lost. Truth is, you can call your son whatever you like... if you want to use his middle name instead of Tae, I am sure he'll remember it quickly

[elfkin]

No one can say any of my kids name the first time they try, then you tell them once or twice and they've got it. EASY! They lose so much of their heritage, culture and language, I feel like at least I can do is give them the gift bestowed upon them in Korea, and that is their name. I once read in AF MAgazine, "You didn't have to change who you are and your name to be part of our family, we'll take you just as you are.." or the like.

[Barbara]

We gave all of our children "new" names - also incorporating part of their Koreans names with. That point aside... all the kids know their full Korean names, the translation meanings, who gave them those names, etc. Literally asked one of the kids about it as I am typing and the response was that they considered themselves to have two names.

We have also told the kids that - since we changed their original/first names - we would pay to legally change their names back if they so desired.

I guess my point is to do what you feel is best, as it can always be changed again.

[PullingMyHairOut]

I think it's different depending on your state of residence... our agency has already submitted our legals through the local court system for our I-600 (to be honest I'm still a little confused at how it all works - if any Michigander wants to try and explain it to me, I'm all ears). Anyways, we had to make a final decision on his name, and no, I don't regret it.

I saw on our I-600 application that there was a space for a new name, but it wasn't mandatory. We simply left it blank. I'm not sure how different states could impact this part of the application, as the I-600 is a federal form. Maybe others can weigh in, because that's pretty perplexing.

[Beadmama]

My husband would not go along with keeping his Korean as his first. We both agree on the name we are giving him, I just feel guilt. My first adopted son does not help matters when I try to teach him his KOrean name and he says "No I Toby" and wants nothing to do with his other name since we don't use it enough to be familiar. I think I will try harder to use them both this time.

[hopeful1]

I think it's different depending on your state of residence... our agency has already submitted our legals through the local court system for our I-600 (to be honest I'm still a little confused at how it all works - if any Michigander wants to try and explain it to me, I'm all ears). Anyways, we had to make a final decision on his name, and no, I don't regret it.

I saw on our I-600 application that there was a space for a new name, but it wasn't mandatory. We simply left it blank. I'm not sure how different states could impact this part of the application, as the I-600 is a federal form. Maybe others can weigh in, because that's pretty perplexing.

I can't explain the ins and outs of it or the whys but YES, we live in Michigan and also had to make a final decision on our child's name. Maybe it has something to do with the court process in our state.

[Wenders11]

We have two korean international students living with us and they both picked American names before they came. I ask them why and they said they said they wanted to fit in the best they could.

I ask them their opinon about the baby's name and they both voted to change it to an American name. They said he would always be born Korean but would only ever know or feel like an American and they thought he would prefer an American name.

That's exactly how I feel about it. I know that my daughter is already going to go through periods of feeling "different" than the rest of our family and the people around her. I was afraid that by keeping her Korean name it would just be one more thing that she would have to explain to everyone and maybe she's not going to want to do that. Maybe she's just going to want to be a normal American kid with a normal American name. We celebrate her Korean heritage and we even have her Korean name written in Korean on the wall in her bedroom, but after talking to adult Korean adoptees about it, and my Korean friends living in Seoul, they all agreed that changing it is probably for the best. Like someone else said, even Koreans often change their own names when they come to the US. Both our exchange students used American names while they were here, our Korean taekwondo instructors wife uses an American name and their children go by American names and my friends in Seoul originally introduced themselves to me with American names, although I've gone back to using their Korean names.

If my daughter someday wants to go back to her Korean name, I'm totally fine with that, but when I had to choose and she was too young to give her input, I weighed my options and made the decision that giving her an American name was the best choice and I don't really second guess it. I guess someday she can tell me if I made the right choice.

[Bmerry]

We have two korean international students living with us and they both picked American names before they came. I ask them why and they said they said they wanted to fit in the best they could.

I ask them their opinon about the baby's name and they both voted to change it to an American name. They said he would always be born Korean but would only ever know or feel like an American and they thought he would prefer an American name.

That's exactly how I feel about it. I know that my daughter is already going to go through periods of feeling "different" than the rest of our family and the people around her. I was afraid that by keeping her Korean name it would just be one more thing that she would have to explain to everyone and maybe she's not going to want to do that. Maybe she's just going to want to be a normal American kid with a normal American name. We celebrate her Korean heritage and we even have her Korean name written in Korean on the wall in her bedroom, but after talking to adult Korean adoptees about it, and my Korean friends living in Seoul, they all agreed that changing it is probably for the best. Like someone else said, even Koreans often change their own names when they come to the US. Both our exchange students used American names while they were here, our Korean taekwondo instructors wife uses an American name and their children go by American names and my friends in Seoul originally introduced themselves to me with American names, although I've gone back to using their Korean names.

If my daughter someday wants to go back to her Korean name, I'm totally fine with that, but when I had to choose and she was too young to give her input, I weighed my options and made the decision that giving her an American name was the best choice and I don't really second guess it. I guess someday she can tell me if I made the right choice.

This is exactly how we feel. We know a kiddo that was telling kids his name was Josh (who knows where he came up with that) instead of his given Korean name. He just started doing it on his own and his parents didn't even know he was doing it until later on. He just wanted to be the same as his friends. I guess, until our son is an adult it'll be my job to fight his racial battles for him and hopefully make it as easy for him as possible to just be a kid.

[Justice]

This is a hard choice! I will say that sometimes we look at it the wrong way. They aren't necessarily "losing" a name but gaining something new and distintive to his or her story line.

For those believers out there, we all know that God names and renames invdividuals in the bible for 2 reasons ( probably more but this is all I could think of): 1. The new name signifies his ownership and "claim" over their live. He is saying you are my child. Yes, our children are ours and naming them signifies that we are claiming a home and a life for them but we also want to paying respect to their past and their culture. 2. We also see God rename individuals to indicate an "overcoming" of sorts. Jacob went from being a deceiver to the father of many nations. Naming signified a maturing of faith, a passing on from one place to the next. And symbolically, Jacob crossed over the Jabbok river, not as Jacob but as Israel, holding to God promises.

When I struggled with what to do, I found much grace in those points above. It's ok to rename. Adoption is significant and to me i decided i wanted my kids to gain something new and precious from a new family and yet hold to the old as well. We chose new first names and retained Korean middle names. we plan to be respectful to our children's culture in many ways such as visits to Korea and such. So I decided I wouldn't feel guilty . But I know the struggle!

Also, it was interesting for me to note that even many Korean american families here in the states give their children American names. My husband and I lived a while in Asia and its true even there, that kids were choosing to go by "American" names.

Last little thought.... My Korean friend said that in Korea many parents do name their kids for biblical characters. So, if you are a believer, you could choose a biblical name... Its basically said the same here and in korea

Sorry for the ramble hope its helpful....

[4fromkorea]

We felt the same way Wenders11 did/does. We felt like there would be enough reasons to feel different that if we could control one of those we would. As a high school teacher I was all too aware that kids just want to "fit in". We chose to not use any part of our children's Korean names. They have an "American" first, middle and last name. Although my children have 2 full names (their Korean name and their American name), only 1 is legal, but that in no way negates the value or importance of their Korean name. They all have their Korean names on their wall in their room and then on some baby blocks I made on the mantle. They are also tattooed on daddy's arm. We use them occasionally around the house as well. Like Barbara said they had no choice in the changing of their name, so we have told them we will pay if they want to change them someday.

Try not to feel guilt... remember you are trying to do the best you can and that's what matters.

***Typed on my iPhone with many interruptions by my kids... hoping this makes sense.***

[4fromkorea]

Just remembered their name chop also has both their full Korean and American names.