Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[nahagedorn]

I have been barely able to keep my head above water...thus, unable to post. Thanks for support, suggestions, advice, etc. I had also posted on the post adoption board and received some helpful practical suggestions from some other working moms as well...

That said, our crazy life continues...

Payal became very ill shortly after my last post. She was sick for over a week, and dropped back to the weight she was when she first arrived. She had fevers of up to 104 for five days and required around the clock care. We had her to the dr, and hospital for a septic workup. She is better now. DH and DD also got sick the following week, but not as bad. Payal is well now and already has regained all the weight she lost. The good news is that she has become a very accurate vomiter...she hits the bucket or toilet every time now, so we will be ready for the next show! (see my prior post).

Just as the family was recovering, Grandma was dropped off to stay for an undetermined period of time. She can not climb even one step. She cannot get out of a chair by herself. We do not have a shower or bedroom on the first floor...so, I now have a bed next to the piano in the front room and assistive devices for toileting, etc. It is not that I do not want my M in law here, I just would have liked more than 36 hrs notice...Last week her sister died and we had to get her several states away for the funeral. DH will probably bring her back next week.

Work is not better...I do not have the option to just quit or take a leave of absence because I own the practice. There are many issues: malpractice insurance still needs to be paid, nurses, patient coverage, etc. We are considering all options...DH is salaried and has all the "normal" options that an employee has, but his presence or absence does not seem to impact the kids as mine does...Also, he WANTS to work, and I would not mind staying at home.

I tore my biceps tendon...carrying DD and trying to do too much with the free arm. Got a steroid injection which has at least allowed me to sleep without pain. I can still do surgery myself, I just can't hold my arm out to the side and lift anything. Eventually, this tendon will probably have to be surgically reattached. I am afraid if I do it before DD demands to be carried decrease, I may mess up the repair...I can report that Ergo carriers do well through both the washer and dryer. I am hoping this just might get better on it's own, but that's probably just wishful thinking.

The social worker comes tomorrow for a home visit...looking forward to her feedback and my 11 and 13 year old being able to talk to her.

Payal had another one of her "episodes"...I lost this time with a cut and black eye.

JUST WHEN I WAS LOSING HOPE....A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!

DD watched a lot movies while she was sick. The dvd was on pretty on 24/7 because she could not sleep for more that a few minutes at a time. I could not stand another episode of Mickey Mouse Club house which is about the only thing she will watch...I was going through our older dvd's: All the princess movies seem to have some tragedy, so I pulled out "Dumbo" since she like elephants...We have watched "Dumbo" every night for the last two weeks. She cries when "Dumbo" is taken from his mother. She still wants to see it...We got her a stuffed "baby Dumbo", and it is with her everywhere she goes. This is the first toy that she has shown any attachment to.. Her other babies are thrown on the floor and neglected. Other toys have been stepped on and thrown. Her only play has been pretend household tasks and "dress up" or active play with us like the playground, lacrosse, etc. Dumbo is different...She LOVES and cares for Dumbo.

A light went off...it seems she relates to Dumbo on multiple levels, which I am just guessing: I think she sees the stork bringing Dumbo to his mother, and she may interpret this as Dumbo being taken from one mother and brought to another mother he was supposed to be with. She sees that this mother waited for Dumbo and really wanted and loved him. She appreciates the fact that Dumbo's mother protects him...in play she will hold her Dumbo and say " My baby, no touch, get back!" (she could also be reliving her trauma VCT and wished that her foster mother had done this and not let me take her.) She may feel it therapeutic to cry each night with Dumbo when he is taken away from his mother. She tells me I am her baby Dumbo...

She is a completely different child since "Dumbo"...I ordered a second "Baby Dumbo" just in case we lost the original, but I am thinking I might need a few more!
While she is healing, is it still so sad to see her pain, and still feel responsible in some way for it.

Do to our adjustment difficulties, I had scheduled a home assessment...They did a full battery last week: physical, psychometric, speech,etc. The developmental screening put her at 36-40 months, well ahead of her 27 months. Since her ear tubes, her speech has exploded form about 30+ words with 2 word combos to >150 words with up to six word sentences. The girls keep track for me...the longest:" don't take off my ballet shoes".

So, the major issue remaining seems to be my work...Maybe Payal thinks like Dumbo's mother, I am chained up and kept away from her, instead abandoning her??? At any rate, we are exhausted, but progressing. Had a really good family day today with everyone enjoying each other. Payal was even willing to concede that mommy has "two babies"...I think she feels the thirteen y/o is just too big to be a baby since she is my same size. The Movie tonight??? Dumbo, of course!!

Next week will be 6 months since Payal came home! Assuming all goes well tomorrow, we should get the go ahead to start finalization of the adoption...I will let you know how that goes.

[Chandana]

Nicole - I really hope Payal's stomach issues get resolved soon. I feel so much for her to have to go through this at such a young age and I hope your hand heals soon. I don't think I could have managed if I had to deal with all that you are.

Can't thank you enough for your invaluable posts, I am going to read through all of them to see what I need to pack, tips on how to help Siddhi with the transition and preparing for what lies ahead. And dumbo is definitely going to India with us , your dumbo story is so beautiful!

Chandana

[TGBTG]

WOW, Nicole. So much going on!!!!! Will stop now to pray for all including your three girlies. Thanks again for the update and for keeping it real. Our little one is slated to be about Payals age by the time she comes home, so your experience is extremely valuable to me.

Deb

[Sandwich in Wi]

Nicole you're a great mama! Keep up the good work!

Blessings
Sandwich

[ChrisandBethAnne]

Nicole,

Thank you so much for being so transparent and open. Your posts are invaluable to those of us who are still preparing. And you are doing a great job as Payal's Mommy!

I think Hardik will have a similar adjustment issue in that he is used to getting a lot of attention from many people. He has a foster mother, father, 7 year-old foster brother, and they live with about 8 other extended family members. His report notes that "he is loved by all." I can only imagine how upset he will be to discover it will just be me and our dog Gus to shower him with attention during the day! Although we'll play things by ear, I'm thinking we'll want to set up a lot of playdates early on for him. Luckily, we have a lot of friends with children his age, but I still feel that not getting showered with attention from 4-6 different adults will take a lot of time to get used to.

We'll continue to pray for everyone's transition in your family, and please keep sharing.

Beth Anne

[nahagedorn]

Six months and two weeks since we have added Payal to our family...and now it will soon be official. We have received our "consent to adopt". Now, we can move forward from guardians to parents. Not looking forward to the paperwork, but this is the final leg of our journey.

For those of you waiting...you will come home already "finalized" if I understand the new rules.

It has been a bumpy six months. I do not have time right now to go into great details, but I will say that the course is growing steadier each week...Payal is finally "owning" her new family in a less manipulative way. She is starting to shows more empathy for others. In short, she is healing form the massive disruption that occurred in her short life. We now have 3 "Dumbos" in storage. It looks like we will have to replace the original from wear and tear rather than loss. I think we will put Dumbo "1" in the washer, and out will come a new clean and dry Dumbo. Hopefully, by the time we get to Dumbo 4 she will not need him everywhere she goes. He goes to school in the van with her, but her teacher told her" no elephants in school". She expects to see him picking her up form school at the end of the day and they continue to be inseparable. Bedtime routine has become very simple: we are on night 55 of watching "Dumbo". Now, after we brush teeth, read, pray, we put on Dumbo and she falls asleep in five minutes. I can leave the room before she falls asleep....However, all bets are off after I have been on call and absent for an extended period. Then, we regress back to clingy behavior.

We got word from the foster family that her foster brother committed suicide in the apartment with the family present.
We are glad she was not there for that, but our hearts just ache for the family. They lost the dad to an accident two years ago. They "lost" Payal after loving her for 22 months. Now, they have lost a son...

I am still looking at different work options...

[gaylors79]

So sad about the foster family loss...you are right, that would have devastated Payal.

Just today I heard from a friend who's been home for 2 years w/ her son (now age 3) that he ALSO hates it when she works long hospital shifts and reacts (in his case, he pushes her away)...so much of what your daughter is going through is not only adoption BUT seems age appropriate. Since you are so newly home I'd continue to run with the attachment assumption, like you are. I just wanted to let you know that comment, since there is some age-appropriateness to her reactions. I spen a long time scratching my head over DD's reactions, trying to decide if it was because she's 2 or because of her anxiety/attachment issues, so I totally get where you are at.

Sara

[TGBTG]

o so sorry for Payal's ff. that is the worst sadness.
Very happy for your family and dumbo and finalizing.
Deb

[nahagedorn]

It has now been 71/2 months since Payal joined our family...yesterday, she was at the table eating breakfast, and my husband noticed she was looking sad and contemplative. He asked what was wrong..."MaMa" she said sadly. This happened as I was coming to the table ready for work. DH thought she was sad about me going to work. He pointed to me and said there"s "MaMa" . "NO, MOMMY!" she said angrily pointing to me, and then said "MaMa" again longingly with tears building in her eyes. It is obvious that at 2 1/2 years old, and after 7 1/2 months here, she still remembers her foster mom. We just said that Mama loves her and misses her, too. And, that we love her, too, and are her forever Mommy and Daddy....it brings back those feelings of being a kidnaper!

I will have to update when I have more time...Just wanted to update to note that: Yep, at 7 1/2 months, we are still grieving!...longer than we expected.
Still having anger and defiance issues which probably stem from her grief. We continue to make progress in most areas...baby steps!

[dagmara04]

I can really sympathize with that. YeongHo was much younger when we brought him home but there's no doubt he was still struggling after seven months. He couldn't articulate grief, fear, etc. but he was clearly not yet healed from the trauma. Hugs, I know it's so hard.

Amanda

[nahagedorn]

My first trip away from home and Payal...

After almost 8 months, I have left home for the first time. I have been away for the night taking call, but was always near and Payal could even visit me at the hospital when she needed to. Presently, I am at Disney World...WITHOUT KIDS! Yes, it is a true crime to come here without my children. I wish SOMEONE was with me to enjoy the parks while I spend the days doing surgery on cadavers and watching the same. I wanted to bring the girls despite it being during school, but they all had strep throat last week and missed 4/5 days of school. So, I just did not feel they could miss two weeks in a row.

From what they are telling me, Payal is doing fine...it is DH who is suffering! One day after I left, He was in the emergency room with chest pain! He sees the cardiologist tomorrow. He has gained a lot of weight this year...probably because I have been too tired to play my usual role as the "food Nazi" and make sure everyone eats their vegetables and takes their vitamins. He does not have a cardiac history, but for a male in his forties with changes in his EKG, we just cannot be sure what is going on. DH was adopted as an infant. We have no family history...For all we know, his dad had a heart attack at forty! Just hit home for us how important family history is, and how "lost" we feel without it in this situation. If we knew he had parents and siblings without cardiac disease, we would be more confident that his event was stress or heart burn,etc. But, with borderline/ nonspecific test results, we have no sense of whether this is a cardiac event or not.

So, we decided we would I would continue my training and wait and see what the cardiologist says. We are anxious to get my training done so I can make adjustments in my work load. We are hoping but the end of the school year to have a much lighter schedule so I can be home with the girls most of the time. I have a couple of different work options for the coming year, but have not yet decided which path to take.

Payal is looking forward to me "Skyping" her when I meet Mickey Mouse. I am going to a "character meal" tomorrow to Skype with the girls...I am sure I will get a lot of looks as an adult by myself at a "Chef Mickey's"! What we do for our kids!

I will end this blog soon as my intention has been to reflect our adjustment period for those following us in the adoption process. My final entry will be when we receive notice that our adoption is final...

[TGBTG]

Nicole, WOW DW without the kids.?! Crazy. I hope your DHs condition is not serious. And that they have survived your days away. Thank you for sharing your family's story. Our DD will be near your Payal's age when she comes home and your insight and experience has been helpful preparation for us. Best wishes to you and your special family. Can't wait to hear Payal is finally legally your daughter.

Deb in NE

[gaylors79]

Sorry to hear about your DH! Though I am glad that Payal is doing OK with you being gone. I am worried about DH and my first "date night" where my MIL will put K to bed. Payal is learning quickly what your family is about and that is good! K also grieved for a long time, btw. It's only been the past week or two that she's stopped grieving openly, which is good, she is finally healing and moving past her trauma. I hope the same happens for Payal soon.

Sara

[nahagedorn]

8 months to the day after I first met Payal at VCT she told me she loved me! We were getting ready for school, and I told her (as usual) that "I love you". She then said "I love you" back. I was shocked with disbelief...so, I had to say "What?" She then said: "I love you, you love me" Happy Day!!! While the words have slipped out of her mouth, they have yet to be repeated...and it has been two days. She was quite sheepish after saying it, so I think this is still a " tentative decision" on her part...but, great Easter present for me!

DH is doing well. Had a sleep study and is taking a renewed approach to his health...we can be thankful that we have had a "shot over the bow".

Work continues to be the biggest challenge...pray for a resolution soon!

We are headed on out first trip with Payal! The girls and I are going to give DH a break and are headed to my mother's for Easter. this will be the first time she sleeps somewhere else. I hope she can sleep well...I really need the vacation myself for sleep.
Nicole

[TGBTG]

She said she loves you!!!!
Glad DH is well again and improving health wise.
I'll stop now and pray for you to have a wonderful weekend at your moms. Happy Easter!

Deb