Oh Nicole, thank you so much for your update. I've been thinking of you and yours of late and am comforted with the progression of your transition. Give your Indian princess a special birthday hug and kiss from us!
Cheers,
Jane
Toddler Adoption: End of thread
Moderators: Amy in PA, nebraskamom
Re: Toddler Adoption: Payal is two...
by nahagedorn » Tue Oct 25, 2011 6:22 pm
Another milestone:
Many I suppose are waiting to hear those words " I love you" from their child. I think we will be waiting for awhile with Payal. As we celebrated her 2nd B-day we reviewed her first...ON UTUBE! Her foster family posted it...if you would like to see it just google u tube: Payal first Birthday 10/10/10. It shows the amount of love this wonderful family had for our daughter during her first 22 months.
While I have not heard "I love you" yet, I did hear words from my dh that were just as important...First you have to know that my DH does not get excited about anything. If you handed him a million dollars, he would thank you in a monotone voice. In 17 years of marriage, I can think of very very few emotional moments. He has a very dry sarcastic humor which most people cannot not appreciate (He is a neuro scientist) Anyway, tonight he said: " you know, she is really growing on me...I think we will keep her". Translation: I am starting to love this kid like my own daughter. If you could spy on him alone with the kids...you would know how "soft" he really is!
Many I suppose are waiting to hear those words " I love you" from their child. I think we will be waiting for awhile with Payal. As we celebrated her 2nd B-day we reviewed her first...ON UTUBE! Her foster family posted it...if you would like to see it just google u tube: Payal first Birthday 10/10/10. It shows the amount of love this wonderful family had for our daughter during her first 22 months.
While I have not heard "I love you" yet, I did hear words from my dh that were just as important...First you have to know that my DH does not get excited about anything. If you handed him a million dollars, he would thank you in a monotone voice. In 17 years of marriage, I can think of very very few emotional moments. He has a very dry sarcastic humor which most people cannot not appreciate (He is a neuro scientist) Anyway, tonight he said: " you know, she is really growing on me...I think we will keep her". Translation: I am starting to love this kid like my own daughter. If you could spy on him alone with the kids...you would know how "soft" he really is!
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Payal is two...
by TGBTG » Wed Oct 26, 2011 7:04 pm
YAY for birthdays and daddy milestones. Just yay all around Nicole!!!!! It's getting better and shes growing on him--YAY 
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Payal is two...
by nahagedorn » Mon Nov 07, 2011 10:33 am
We have now had Payal three months. We are starting to call her Esther Payal...except DH who just calls her Esther. She does not care what DH calls her..she seems to have developed a distinct fondness for him that is different from the rest of us. She loves any attention from her daddy! She never is whiny or defiant with him. If she is giving me a hard time and he walks in the room and asks if she listening to mommy she immediately turns into an angel! I have not yet figured out how he does it, but it is consistent...She also is potty trained when I am at work, but wants diapers when I am home as well as bottles. For now, we are letting her be "big" with Dad and "little" with mom.
Her English seems to be somewhat transient. Some days it seems she just comes up with multiple new words, and then we will hear nothing new for a week or two. She still uses Indian words for common tasks like going to the bathroom. This is probably because she has trained US to use these words. Her enunciation is improving. She will chain 2-3 words: "Mommy come please", etc. These are now able to be understood by strangers instead of just the family.
She absolutely adores her older sisters. She has gotten to the point of leaving me to play with them, instead of only playing with them if I am participating as well. This is a welcome relief for me as I have been able to shower, etc. without her attached or crying.
We had our first parent-teacher conference at the Montessori school. Her report was good...she only bit one child. This was a concern, because she had been biting me at home--and not just a little nibble! There has been no biting at all for the last two weeks, so I think we have extinguished this behavior. We have had some meltdowns...maybe three a week, but no rages for 3-4 weeks. The meltdowns just seem to be a needed emotional release. Instead of lasting 90 minutes, they are 15-20 minutes. Actually, I think she is actually approaching "normalcy" from a psychological stand point.
She is almost sleeping through the night. She still awakens 2-3 times to make sure someone is there with her...it can now be mom or dad. We moved her toddler bed from her room to the master bedroom. It is up on a platform so it is the same level as our bed. It is up against my husband's side of the bed. We gave up on the idea of having her sleep in her own room with one of us sleeping in there with her. We are all getting more sleep this way. She has awoken with with me away at the hospital on call and is now just as happy to see daddy there if I am not. She amazingly seems to grasp the concept of me being at work. She will talk to me on the phone without getting upset(before it would make her cry). She will say:"Mommy pick up?" and be happy when I tell her I will.
I would finally say that Payal is starting to feel she is "home". I think there are still some confusion in her mind and questioning about permanency that she can not articulate. We could not hand her off to a new female, for example. I sure others have experienced this...When we run into friends, they want to hold or hug her. With women, Payal has an immediate "panic". I think this may come from being handed from her foster mother to me at the orphanage. No one so far has been "hurt" that they cannot hold her. She is very friendly to them in my arms, and this seems to please them as well. She especially likes to say "bye" to them. When the social worker came to visit, she practically shut the door on her backside...seemed she could not get her out fast enough. We are just starting to have family visitors. Our families have been patient...My mother just came for a five day visit. It took Payal 2-3 days to figure out that grandma was not a threat to her security. Now that "TuTu" is gone, Payal will talk readily to her on the phone, and is excited for her next visit. DH's family will meet her for the first time at Thanksgiving.
Three very stressful months are behind us. We have come a long way as a family. My two daughters still often long for the days of "BP" --before Payal. We would be not be honest if we said that things were not easier and less stressful before her arrival. They miss being the center of my attention. They feel like they suddenly had to grow up. They have, however, fallen in love with their little sister. Her improving behavior and communication skills have made it easier for them to care for and attach to her themselves. In general, we feel lucky to have gotten such an amazing child. She is adapting faster and better than we expected...which is good because although her performance is ahead of expectations, my energy level is below what I expected...so I am thankful she is "over-achieving in all areas."
Eventually, we have some medical issues to address. This will most likely involve surgery. As long as she is well we will continue to delay any interventions. Her skull sutures in the front fused prematurely, so if this needs surgery, it would be sooner vs later. The other surgery we will hopefully put off until age five. Are first medical interventions will probably need to be getting a cavity filled...does not seem to be causing pain yet, but is an obvious problem in a couple of molars.
We have our second social worker visit next week. I am anxious to see what changes she sees that we cannot appreciate. I really can't emphasize enough how much I feel that the foster family should take most of the credit for how well Payal has done.
So....in summary, I would say that it has taken this full three months for us to feel like we are a "new" family instead of babysitting a "toddler terror". My love for Payal had grown throughout the year of waiting for her...and it has carried me through the hard times. However, the bonding and love for the other family members took longer and, I think, actually began when she arrived instead of during the process. I may have been at fault for this because I essentially executed the process by myself. I think I did it this way out of an underlying fear that we might not actually be successful in getting her here...and I did not want to disappoint my daughters. Her picture was taped to the frig for 16 months, but I think the length of time for children just made it seem like it would never happen.
Another long entry...maybe if not of benefit to others, will be of interest to Payal when she is older.
BTW: We have chosen the name Esther for the following reasons: 1) Esther means star...Payal is certainly a bright,happy child 2) Esther was the most beautiful woman of the land, and thus chosen by the king of Persia--Payal IS amazingly beautiful (if you have not seen her look me up on facebook:nicole hagedorn) 3) Esther's parents both died and she was ADOPTED. 4) Esther saved her people...we hope to instill in Payal a love and appreciation for her people and pray that one day because of the care we take of her she will be able to "give back"to India.
Her English seems to be somewhat transient. Some days it seems she just comes up with multiple new words, and then we will hear nothing new for a week or two. She still uses Indian words for common tasks like going to the bathroom. This is probably because she has trained US to use these words. Her enunciation is improving. She will chain 2-3 words: "Mommy come please", etc. These are now able to be understood by strangers instead of just the family.
She absolutely adores her older sisters. She has gotten to the point of leaving me to play with them, instead of only playing with them if I am participating as well. This is a welcome relief for me as I have been able to shower, etc. without her attached or crying.
We had our first parent-teacher conference at the Montessori school. Her report was good...she only bit one child. This was a concern, because she had been biting me at home--and not just a little nibble! There has been no biting at all for the last two weeks, so I think we have extinguished this behavior. We have had some meltdowns...maybe three a week, but no rages for 3-4 weeks. The meltdowns just seem to be a needed emotional release. Instead of lasting 90 minutes, they are 15-20 minutes. Actually, I think she is actually approaching "normalcy" from a psychological stand point.
She is almost sleeping through the night. She still awakens 2-3 times to make sure someone is there with her...it can now be mom or dad. We moved her toddler bed from her room to the master bedroom. It is up on a platform so it is the same level as our bed. It is up against my husband's side of the bed. We gave up on the idea of having her sleep in her own room with one of us sleeping in there with her. We are all getting more sleep this way. She has awoken with with me away at the hospital on call and is now just as happy to see daddy there if I am not. She amazingly seems to grasp the concept of me being at work. She will talk to me on the phone without getting upset(before it would make her cry). She will say:"Mommy pick up?" and be happy when I tell her I will.
I would finally say that Payal is starting to feel she is "home". I think there are still some confusion in her mind and questioning about permanency that she can not articulate. We could not hand her off to a new female, for example. I sure others have experienced this...When we run into friends, they want to hold or hug her. With women, Payal has an immediate "panic". I think this may come from being handed from her foster mother to me at the orphanage. No one so far has been "hurt" that they cannot hold her. She is very friendly to them in my arms, and this seems to please them as well. She especially likes to say "bye" to them. When the social worker came to visit, she practically shut the door on her backside...seemed she could not get her out fast enough. We are just starting to have family visitors. Our families have been patient...My mother just came for a five day visit. It took Payal 2-3 days to figure out that grandma was not a threat to her security. Now that "TuTu" is gone, Payal will talk readily to her on the phone, and is excited for her next visit. DH's family will meet her for the first time at Thanksgiving.
Three very stressful months are behind us. We have come a long way as a family. My two daughters still often long for the days of "BP" --before Payal. We would be not be honest if we said that things were not easier and less stressful before her arrival. They miss being the center of my attention. They feel like they suddenly had to grow up. They have, however, fallen in love with their little sister. Her improving behavior and communication skills have made it easier for them to care for and attach to her themselves. In general, we feel lucky to have gotten such an amazing child. She is adapting faster and better than we expected...which is good because although her performance is ahead of expectations, my energy level is below what I expected...so I am thankful she is "over-achieving in all areas."
Eventually, we have some medical issues to address. This will most likely involve surgery. As long as she is well we will continue to delay any interventions. Her skull sutures in the front fused prematurely, so if this needs surgery, it would be sooner vs later. The other surgery we will hopefully put off until age five. Are first medical interventions will probably need to be getting a cavity filled...does not seem to be causing pain yet, but is an obvious problem in a couple of molars.
We have our second social worker visit next week. I am anxious to see what changes she sees that we cannot appreciate. I really can't emphasize enough how much I feel that the foster family should take most of the credit for how well Payal has done.
So....in summary, I would say that it has taken this full three months for us to feel like we are a "new" family instead of babysitting a "toddler terror". My love for Payal had grown throughout the year of waiting for her...and it has carried me through the hard times. However, the bonding and love for the other family members took longer and, I think, actually began when she arrived instead of during the process. I may have been at fault for this because I essentially executed the process by myself. I think I did it this way out of an underlying fear that we might not actually be successful in getting her here...and I did not want to disappoint my daughters. Her picture was taped to the frig for 16 months, but I think the length of time for children just made it seem like it would never happen.
Another long entry...maybe if not of benefit to others, will be of interest to Payal when she is older.
BTW: We have chosen the name Esther for the following reasons: 1) Esther means star...Payal is certainly a bright,happy child 2) Esther was the most beautiful woman of the land, and thus chosen by the king of Persia--Payal IS amazingly beautiful (if you have not seen her look me up on facebook:nicole hagedorn) 3) Esther's parents both died and she was ADOPTED. 4) Esther saved her people...we hope to instill in Payal a love and appreciation for her people and pray that one day because of the care we take of her she will be able to "give back"to India.
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by wonderfulworld » Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:19 am
I did a little bit of research on the name Esther before. Whatever you have said is correct, in additional her character of 'influence' is noteworthy. A whole book is dedicate to her in the old testament of the Bible. There are few short names for Esther. The famous fashion designer Estee (estee lauder) had her name originated from the name Esther.
Few weeks ago in my church at the Potters House, Bishop TD Jakes told something marvelous which struck me immediately. Looking at the lives of Jesus, Moses, Esther there is something common which is their humble beginning but high influence on nations, generations in later parts of their lives. I pray that your daughter will do the same.
Few weeks ago in my church at the Potters House, Bishop TD Jakes told something marvelous which struck me immediately. Looking at the lives of Jesus, Moses, Esther there is something common which is their humble beginning but high influence on nations, generations in later parts of their lives. I pray that your daughter will do the same.
Blog: BeProsper.us
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by Cat » Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:40 am
We are also adopting a toddler from India and are trying to be as wise as possible about what happens after we get home. Your story has been, and continues to be, refreshingly honest and inspriational to us. Thank you for your transparency during this process!
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by mbledsoe » Mon Nov 07, 2011 12:32 pm
Fantastic update! I'm so happy Esther Payal is finally feeling secure in her new family, and that you all feel like life is becoming more "normal". It gives me hope. Even though Faith is doing really well, I have yet to start feeling "normal" again. But we, like you, are taking baby steps in that direction.
I love the name Esther, BTW. It was on my list of names for Faith. I love the story of Esther, and Vishakha also means star. My mother actually ended up choosing Faith's name. We have honored all the grandparents in naming our children, except my mom. We really wanted to honor her, but her name happens to mean foreigner, so we thought that was not an appropriate choice. We decided to instead give her the honor of chosing the name, and she chose Faith. We think it fits her perfectly. In fact, we were watching a photo montage video from last year, and the Kutless song "What Faith Can Do" is playing in the background on the part of the video where her photos are. I had no idea that Faith would be her name when I chose that song. Faith now calls it "my name song".
I love the name Esther, BTW. It was on my list of names for Faith. I love the story of Esther, and Vishakha also means star. My mother actually ended up choosing Faith's name. We have honored all the grandparents in naming our children, except my mom. We really wanted to honor her, but her name happens to mean foreigner, so we thought that was not an appropriate choice. We decided to instead give her the honor of chosing the name, and she chose Faith. We think it fits her perfectly. In fact, we were watching a photo montage video from last year, and the Kutless song "What Faith Can Do" is playing in the background on the part of the video where her photos are. I had no idea that Faith would be her name when I chose that song. Faith now calls it "my name song".
Michele
mom to Phillip-15, Nathan-11, Ian-10, Isaac-9, Eliza-4 (home from Korea 9/09), and Faith-7 (home from India 9/11)
mom to Phillip-15, Nathan-11, Ian-10, Isaac-9, Eliza-4 (home from Korea 9/09), and Faith-7 (home from India 9/11)
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by TGBTG » Mon Nov 07, 2011 2:16 pm
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Nicole. The name Esther seems perfect for your little one!!! Praising God for progress!
Deb
Deb
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by lesliet » Tue Nov 08, 2011 7:58 am
I love these updates, Nicole! Payal sounds so much like Nandini when she first came home. I wish so much I had someone to talk to back then who was going through the same thing.. .and realizing that it was normal! It would have made Nandi's adjustment so much smoother. You really are helping so many families by posting this.
Also, tried to look you up on FB to see Payal's photo. Who would've thought there were so many Nicole Hagedorn's???
Leslie
Also, tried to look you up on FB to see Payal's photo. Who would've thought there were so many Nicole Hagedorn's???
Leslie
Leslie
Mom to Noah 10, (Kolkata, India), Eli 8, (Guatemala), Nandini 7, (India/BSSK/Holt) and Naveen Aashish 3 (India/BSSK/Holt - Home May 4, 2012)
Mom to Noah 10, (Kolkata, India), Eli 8, (Guatemala), Nandini 7, (India/BSSK/Holt) and Naveen Aashish 3 (India/BSSK/Holt - Home May 4, 2012)
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by gaylors79 » Wed Nov 09, 2011 9:19 am
Hi from a China mom, I love reading your updates b/c they are so much like my own! We've been home a little over 3 months w/ our girl who sounds so much like your girl, so I relate. I too finally am starting to feel like a mom to her instead of a babysitter! And the outbursts, yes we have them too and they are now 10 min. instead of 30-60. So much similarity! Thank you for helping me know I'm not the only one!
Sara
Sara
Mama to a spicy girl from a vinegary province! Forever in our arms 7-18-11.
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by library_kim » Thu Nov 10, 2011 6:57 am
Nicole,
Thanks for all your progress reports. Esther sounds like a blessing and I'm so happy for your family!
Thanks for all your progress reports. Esther sounds like a blessing and I'm so happy for your family!
Kim, mom to Michael Edward (21), Ian Hunter (13), and Mayur James (10) - home forever 4/8/2011
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by Sandwich in Wi » Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:29 pm
lesliet wrote:
Also, tried to look you up on FB to see Payal's photo. Who would've thought there were so many Nicole Hagedorn's???
Leslie
Did you find her? I only found one and she is "from the kingdom of Camelot." Somehow, I don't think that's the right one. If you've found her, I'll just bop over to your friend list and snatch her from there. Guess I could go look myself....
blessings,
Sandwich
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by nahagedorn » Fri Nov 11, 2011 5:03 pm
Wow, did not realize my name was so common...look up Dinesh Kumar Bangalore India. I am on his friends list....actually, he has over 100 pictures of Payal on his site under Payal's pictures in his photos. I have one...but it is a good one!
Nicole
Nicole
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by TGBTG » Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:41 pm
Nicole, I am lol! I quit counting after 44 Dinesh Kumars in Bangalore. It seems Nicole Hagedorn in the US may be easier to find than Dinesh Kumar in Bangalore. That is so funny. I actually found your fb photo. It is small but lovely. Your girls are so beautiful.
Deb
Deb
DS 14 DD 12 DS 8 DS 5 DD 2 WC Match 7/21/11 Family Day 9/13/12
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Re: Toddler Adoption: Three months
by nahagedorn » Sat Nov 12, 2011 11:03 am
I must really be techno-disabled...Multiple times I have attempted to post a photo here. The best I could do was to have it show up as a "JPG" after my name. I felt better when I spoke with another mom whose I.T. person at work could not make it work for her either. For those who still would like to find me, try looking for me in NC...I think I am the only NH in the state.
Dinesh has 170 photos of our family posted now...He even has pics of me at work that he got from facebooking with my 71 year old mother...a little freaky to think we have so little privacy in this world. In this case, I just think they have genuine interest in how Payal is doing...and we are glad to share and to have made some friends in Payal's hometown.
At some point, I may remove all my posts and put them somewhere where they are not available to the general public. Theses posts will be for me to share with her at an appropriate time if and when I think they would help her...not for her or her friends to find when they are twelve or so and they are surfing the net...I think I have a couple of years.
Nicole
Dinesh has 170 photos of our family posted now...He even has pics of me at work that he got from facebooking with my 71 year old mother...a little freaky to think we have so little privacy in this world. In this case, I just think they have genuine interest in how Payal is doing...and we are glad to share and to have made some friends in Payal's hometown.
At some point, I may remove all my posts and put them somewhere where they are not available to the general public. Theses posts will be for me to share with her at an appropriate time if and when I think they would help her...not for her or her friends to find when they are twelve or so and they are surfing the net...I think I have a couple of years.
Nicole
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