Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[nahagedorn]

Things we have encountered 1st week at home:

1) Payal has adjusted to our schedule. She is sleeping through the night. For two nights now, there has been no more crying in the middle of the night. She did not really wake up, but cried for 3-5 min 3-4 times a night...missing her foster mom, I can only guess. I have been sleeping in her room. When she would cry, I would rub her back or feet until she went back to sleep.

2) She since yesterday, she is no longer freaking out when I go to get something in another part of the home. We have practiced "mommy is coming back".

3) It took three to four days to bond with other members of the family. Now, as long as one of any of the others are present, she can be without me.

4) She stopped asking to see the photos of her foster family two days ago.

5) her potty-trained status has completely regressed to diapers. Initially, she would use the toddler potty at home (she wanted to use the shower drain). Now, she wants to go 1 and 2 in the diaper. She knows exactly when she has to go. I will ask her if she needs to use the potty and she says yes. We go to the potty and she clutches her diaper and says "no Potty" I will ask her if she wants to go in her diaper and she will nod yes...she will then go in her diaper and then motion she is ready for a clean one. This is a battle I do not feel we need to have right now. She is 22 months. She will let me know when she is ready to use the potty again...I am sure it will be before kindergarten. She wakes up dry in the morning.

6) She wants a bottle. She came from VCT with a sippy cup. She can drink out of a regular cup. The sippy cups I have came with nipples and you buy the sippy spouts for them. She saw the nipples on the counter and said "BAA" I held up the nipple and asked her if that is what she wanted and she nodded. Now, she wants bottles...I am happy to feed her a bottle. This is a good bonding time for us... I am sure her brain is on over-load. The sucking should be therapeutic.
Again, if she wants to go to kindergarten with a bottle, we might intervene. For now, the kid has been through enough. We are going to let her "start over" if that is what she wants.

7) She likes to ride in the car. She is not especially fond of the belts. We practiced buckling up in the stroller first. I would make the stroller ride "bumpy" (which she loves) and say "bump Bump" and secure/tighten her straps. When I have to buckle her seat belt, I just say "bump bump" and she seems to understand that this is necessary.

She LOVES the water and baths. This is a huge change. I do not think she had ever been in the water. They just bathed her out of a bucket. it took us about four baths before she sat down and really enjoyed the water. We used successive approximation--a little bit more each time, but never pushing her beyond her comfort. Tonight we took her back to the country club pool. Saturday, she was only willing to get her feet wet. Today, she was jumping to us in the pool. In the tub, she likes to relax floating on her back with my hand behind her back supporting her.

9) She does not complain when we do not add sugar to her milk as they did in India.

10) She fusses and has trouble when I give her water instead of milk to go to sleep with. We are still working on this one. She now is great at saying "ah" so I can brush her teeth.

11) Her receptive language is progressing well. She says 5-10 new words a day, but I do not know how many of these she is retaining. She mimics well.

12) She wines more than my bio children did...we just did not allow it with them. We do not give her a lot of attention for the wining, but show concern and say "show mommy so I can help you" usually in less than a minute she will start pointing to things to help us figure out what she needs...sometime this becomes a silly game. When we cannot figure out what she is asking for, we do something silly like " Oh so you want mommy to put the diaper on her head?" She will laugh...sometimes I think we entertain her enough, she forgets what she wanted. Thankfully, she is pretty good with charades and we can usually figure out what she was asking for.

13) She calls her sisters "Aka"...means "big sister" So we use this: Aka Claire, and Aka Morgan. We are still using Payal. We were considering keeping this, however, all of our Indian friends suggested we give her American first name because their children had some trouble in school. I guess statistically (according to research done by a parent there) children whose names are easy to pronounce and at the front of the alphabet "do better". Eventually, we will probably transition her to _____Payal. We have not decided yet. Right now, it is still Payal--which she knows well.

14) It is busy, busy, busy keeping up with her exploration. She does not like TV (we do not plan to change that). She is not really interested in toys. She IS Interested in everything that is not a toy! You do not know if you have baby-proofed well until you test it with a toddler. She has already figured out how to open the cupboards by opening them part way and pushing down on the "child-proof" latch! So, I would not recommend this type...

15) Both my girls...11 and 13 have reached periods of frustration where they have asked "Can we take her back" We have installed baby proof door knobs on their bedrooms so they can escape when they have had enough. Now, however, Payal is figuring their disappearing acts and calls for them. We are building an "Art Shack" outside for the older girls. Both of them paint seriously with oils...not something we want Payal into. I sure this will become their new escape. This is not to imply that they do not love her. They just have never had exposure to a toddler before. They had no idea! They take their "timeouts" then come back for more. The younger daughter has asked to go to the montessori school with Payal. She likes not being the baby in some respects.

16) The house is trashed. Payal has run out of clothes...forgot with my preparation how many outfits a toddler can go through in one day--about three! I just have let it go... but I am thinking about flying my mom in for some help with cleaning and organization over Labor Day. If she cannot come, I may have to hire a cleaning team...or two to get things back in shape.

17) Payal loves to feed the dog. Not that our bulldog had any lack of nutrition...he will need a treadmill and weightwatchers soon! Payal loves yelling "puppy come". The dog drool is probably responsible for soiling 1-2 outfits/day. I think we will just have to save for Leroy's liposuction, because his love and interaction with Payal is therapeutic for her. I just bought 20 clothing items at $1 a piece at a second hand sale...the dog drool just does not deserve a new outfit!

Off to bed my oldest starts 7th grade in the morning!

Nicole

[mbledsoe]

Great post, Nicole! I love that you are sharing all the little details so honestly. I think is sounds like ___Payal is doing really great. Just the fact that she lets you leave the room already is incredible.

Regressing is to be expected, and, like you said, is good for attachment. My DD, who is almost 3, took a bottle until she was 2, and still has a pacifier sometimes at bedtime. It just makes her feel safe and secure, kind of like a special blanket. Although, I have some family members who really hate this, and constantly complain about how "she's too big" for these things. They just do not understand that is is different with adopted children. If they need to regress, you have to let them.

We have been doing a lot of thinking about what name to use for Vishakha, too. We had decided to name her Vishakha Faith, but I am more and more leaning towards just calling her Faith, and keeping Vishakha as her middle name. It's strange, because we've been calling her Vishakha for a year and we like her name, but I do think that Faith will serve her better in our community (which is small town midwest). We do sometimes get a funny look when we tell people her name, and the occasional rude person will say "You're going to change that, right?". Since she is older, we will discuss it with her. I wouldn't want to just change her name, without her being ok with it.

[NorthPoles]

What a morning brightener this post is! Having just very recently gone through the toddler stage of parenting, it looks a whole lot funnier looking back through someone else's eyes! Though I loved the toddler stages, even with our boy. Such fun! BUSY but fun.
Thanks for such a detailed post. It really gets me thinking in practical terms what might lie ahead for our family.

[Angie]

Ahh... brings back memories!!!

[Jane]

Love the update Nicole! Can definitely see your line of work in evaluating and communicating dear Payal's journey. Thanks so much for sharing!
Cheers~
Jane

[TGBTG]

YAY for being HOME!!! Thanks for sharing your story; it is encouraging and helpful to us newbies Ugh for the headlice. We went a long round with my oldest daughter after camp last year (it took a month for me to NOTICE!!!!). I refused to cut her long hair. Having headlice at 10 years old is bad enough!
Praying for you now!!! Hope you are catching up on your sleep. And thanks for the email photo!! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
Deb

[Sandwich in Wi]

Nicole,

Just pointing out that it's time for the week two update

Blessings,
Sandwich

[RachelY]

Thank you so much for sharing! Really encouraging to read, especially for those of us who are waiting to be at that point. Also really helpful to get some ideas and to get my expectations on track. And, about the state of your house... No-one, on their death-bed, ever said: 'I WISH that I'd kept my house cleaner....!'

Rachel Y

[nahagedorn]

We have now had Payal home for 3 1/2 weeks...

The family is very tired. My 11 and 12 year old girls adore her...in limited periods of time. Payal is more difficult than they thought she would be. She is actually doing better than I expected. My energy reserves are less than I thought, however. My husband is doing better than I expected as well.

None of this adjustment really surprises us...this is what happens when you take a tightly run ship and throw a toddler in the mix...and one who does not know the family, language, meals, entertainment expectations, etc.

Payal has attached very well to the family in general, but is still primarily my baby. She can be consoled by any of the family when I am away, but not when I am home. She only cries and whines for me. She only bites and hits me...especially at bedtime.

I went back to work last week which caused a little loss of progress. DH has been on Paternity leave. This time has been great to help her bond with him...but I have a Velcro child when I hit the door. Her sleep has not improved. She is still crying four-six times a night for about thirty seconds. I am sleeping in her room. Here is he cause of my fatigue...I wake up to comfort her and it takes me longer to get back to sleep. If I wake up quickly and pat her and say "mommy's here", she does not even wakeup fully, rolls over and is sleeping again. We did not have this problem in India or the first two days. We were sleeping together in the same bed. She wedges herself against my torso and the wants her feet on my legs...maximum contact. I was exhausted from this sleeping arrangement, so put her in a bed right against my bed. I guess this in not close enough! Her foster mom slept with her on a small cot.

Tonight, I have her sleeping in my bed again...it does not look like I will make it back to the master bedroom anytime soon. Our bio children never slept with us! We are not ready for any "tough love" yet...we think Payal is still bonding with us and building the trust that we will be here for her. This has been harder with my early return to work, but we did not have much of an option with two practices to run. I got thing caught up at work last week, the next two weeks DH goes back to work while I am at home again...we are switching off every two weeks until we get her into daycare, or
hire a nanny to come to the office with me. My husband does not take call. I am off the call roster until October...I hope she is sleeping through the night by then!

she cannot occupy herself for a second! My bio kids would sit and "read" books at this age. Or play with toys on the floor...I think she is still running on higher than average cortisol! She is non-stop movement until we slow her down with a meal or a stroller ride. It takes two hours to wind her down for bed. She is a happy child and loves to shop. She
makes everyone who meets her smile.

All things considered, there have been no surprises...while I am tired, it has not kept me from thinking about adopting again...and wondering how the changes will affect us!

[anuvelu]

Thanks for the update, Nicole. I love the last few sentences about adopting again!! In spite of beign tired etc, you are doing great if you can think ahead like that.
Also, i read on another blog somewhere that it is said that it takes about 6 months after the birth of a child to come to some sense of a routine/schedule. That it is important to NOT 'assess' the family dynamics for the first 6 months after adoptions too. it takes that long for the entire family to get used to the adoption and the change in family status. Hope this helps...
I hope sleep starts to get easier. In our pre-travel conversation, Dean mentioned that we should expect a velcro child and realize that it will only be for a few months. We don't have a velcro child - he is happy with multiple people, but we have never left him alone with anyone. We're always within ear shot or visible to him. So I can't imagine how hard it is to have one, but like Dean said - it won't last forever. I am sure others will attest to it. (Ok, sometimes I wish Vishak would cuddle more. He'll give me a quick kiss if I ask or a hug - but, is ready to talk about something else!!).

[Sandwich in Wi]

Nicole, you have a great attitude! It sounds like your expectations are right in line and you're acknowledging the tough stuff without dwelling on it. Keep your eyes on the future and remember this is a short season in the span of a lifetime!

Your experiences with Payal sound exactly like what we experienced with one or both of the boys. The sleeping thing IS so hard! I remember those days! I had one frequent waker and one who liked to sleep all over me. I can't imagine combining them!

Hang in there! And stop by here anytime you need a listening ear and some encouragement!

Blessings,
Sandwich

[nahagedorn]

Four weeks ago at this time, I was flying home with Payal...by myself. Twenty hours of travel with a toddler were not easy, but better than our night last night.

Some of you may remember that Payal directed all of her anger and "dislike" at my travel partner, Pam (who was a very good sport). Since coming home, she has been looking for an outlet for that anger and, of course, the safest outlet has been me...until she discovered that our bulldog Leroy would not bite her back! Over the last few days, she will call Leroy, give him a treat, kiss him...and then hit him! Huge red flag! We always worry when children show aggression to animals.

Last night, she slept from 9-2 and 5-7. The rest of the time, she thrashed about cried, hit and kicked me...not the "leave me alone" kick, but the "I want to hurt you because you hurt me kick". I have learned to stay away from her teeth...So, did the "D" (disruption) word come into to my mind during this period??? YES...just as the "D" (divorce) word has entered my mind during my 17 year marriage from time to time. When I think divorce, it is usually in the context of I think others would consider it at a time like this. Last night was the first time it even entered my mind with Payal...but it did. Mostly I thought of how Payal would have been better if I had left her with the foster family who loved her so much. it was so obvious to me while in India, and invited to their home that the whole family adored her. She had brothers, mom, and grandparents who would have loved her like their own had they had the money to care for her. Payal would have had a stay-at-home mother instead of getting dropped off at Montessori school everyday.

So, because I am "rich", I had the ability to "buy" this beautiful child...who is now miserable. Because they are "poor" the foster family could not keep the child that they so dearly loved...so now they are suffering, too. In trying to actually "give back" some of the wealth and blessings I have been so generously and undeservedly been given...have I actually made the world a better or worse place? And, selfishly speaking, have I made things better for my own family and myself? Wow...this is what a month a sleep deprivation can do! It is so much easier to rush into the operating room and "fix" the problem!

This morning we were again in problem solving/ clinician mode. Payal has obviously been terribly traumatized. We are assuming that returning to foster care in India is not an option and probably not in her long term best interests. She is showing symptoms of both major depression and PTSD. We will now pursue treatments for both. The brain of a child is sensitive, but also "rewireable" or"plastic". DH is an expert in neuropsych, brain injury,PTSD--in adults (he works with all the "wounded warriors") So, we are going to have to rework the treatments and find someone to do what he does in the peds population. He is going to make some contacts today. While we are looking into this, we are starting bilateral tactile and auditory stimulation, increasing her fish oil, and seeing if we can do some EMDR at home. I got some articles from a study done in an orphanage in Mexico, and we will look at some of the reports from Haiti. DH was optimistic, but he, too, is so sad that our beautiful baby is suffering so when she was so happy before we got her. Maybe what we will be able to do is to come up with a treatment protocol to use for others as well.

As a side note, here is Payal past history: She was fostered by a woman whose husband had recently been killed in an accident. She had two sons of her own ages 23 and 26. They all live with the foster mom's parents. The oldest son works at night for a tech company....so he was also home with Payal during the day. They had fostered before, but only for a few months. Payal was basically this grieving mother's only daughter. She got her shortly after the death of her husband and had her from the time Payal was three days old until I came to "remove" her. Came you imagine losing a child after that? The brother gave us two discs of pictures of Payal first two years. Her first birthday is posted on U-tube!! I am over-whelmed at the love that is evident in all these photos. Now, maybe it is easier to understand my feelings of guilt..and shame for the way that our world "broken" and enslaved to money. Can I REALLY give her a better life? I do not think we can love her anymore than this family did. Okay, maybe I am sleep deprived, and have PMS! Yes, I do remember that her mother was very ill (schizophrenic)and was not married...and it was only because of World Vision and VCT that this precious baby was just not abandoned or discarded, but given such loving care from the very beginning of her life.

If you are wondering how I can possibly post all this with Payal, it is because Dad took her to Montessori school today with big sister...were are going to see how that goes before I go back to work. I do not know if we will eventually put her in school or at my office with a nanny if the school does not work out. I will work 8-2:30. In October, I have to start taking call again...really worried about that as she has not slept with anyone else. We were hoping she might be sleeping through the night and if I got up and did a c-section or two in the night she would not notice!

Maybe I should put a "ranting" warning on future posts like this. My only hope is that someone who has or will feel this way will feel better knowing they are not alone. And what if I am the only one? I guess I do not care...that is the beauty of being middle age, having a number of life successes, and having a family that loves me. So, maybe what I will find is that I am not so "good" at adopting and better at other things...We all have our strengths and weaknesses. This journey might be easier for some than others...When I run a marathon I run to finish, and do not care about my time. Is this harder than surgery...you bet! Will it be worth it? If Payal grows up to be an emotionally healthy women who knows just how much God loves her...absolutely!

Nicole

[boehmwi]

I can not thank you enough for the post and the reality of your situation. Wow, unfortunately I have no expertise and can only offer words of encouragement. I feel for you and for payal. As I read through that, I only thought thank goodness she has been adopted by your family. Your husbands knowledge and background, your ability to provide financially for work up and treatment, and the stability of your family/love is essential. Obvioulsy there is PTSD or other underlying psychological issues, which will have surfaced at some point... 5 years old, 10 years old..... but now she has access to great care and treatment at an early age. Did you do the right thing? Absolutely, look what you have done already with researching, treatment, reading ect... Thank you again.

carey

[library_kim]

Nicole,

Thank you for writing with such honesty and feeling. Others on this board have written also about such transitions and fleeting thoughts of disruption, you are not alone. I think all adoptions are different, some can be difficult at the starting gate and then get much much better, some can be smooth sailing the first few years and hit rocky patches as the child gets older. Like life, there seems to be no rhyme nor reason. My niece, for instance, was adopted at birth so had no transistion issues at all - NONE - but starting in her teens and now at 20 has had a lot of trouble with her adoption - seeking out her bio family, questioning why she was "bought" by my in-laws, raging, and with suicidal tendencies. You just never know.

What I think IS known is that you are just a very strong, intelligent and accomplished woman with the knowledge and education (along with your husband) to help this sweet and precious child. In God's world there are no "accidents" - I really believe divine intervention guided you to her.

This too shall pass - you probably are very, very tired on top of all you are dealing with. Praying for you to find more rest and peace as you seek answers to help with your little princess.

*hugs*

[lesliet]

Nicole, I just PM'ed you about our experience with Nandi when she came home.

For everyone else, there's a blog post I read today that I think is the best blog post I've ever read about international adoption. It's called "After the Airport"

http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2011/09/06/ ... he-airport

And I really think it's a must read.

Leslie