How do you handle disappointment?

[Coley]

As most of you guys know, we've been waiting on King's child history for almost 2 years now. We heard that it was completed in January and we started the "any day now" for receiving his official referral. Then in March we heard that his file needed an update, which the orphanage completed and returned - heck even translated - within 24 hours (they're upset it's taking this long as well). That was over 2 months ago. We heard from the social worker at DSDW 2 weeks ago that someone had been on sick-leave for nearly 2 months but now she had returned and that she'd be the one handling things. Then this week she replies again saying that they are very busy with Nativeland things and that essentially most other things would be on the back-burner until after that was over in July. Needless to say, I've been devastated all week. Our little guy will be turning 8 in Sept and we hoped to be there before it happened (which would have been possible if we got his paperwork in May), but now we're heart-broken to think it could possibly be Christmas, or, heaven forbid, 2012. I tear up just thinking about it.
I know he's worth every moment of waiting for him but I am having a really hard time with the disappointment factor here. Any suggestions?

[Tulip]

Coley, I am so, so sorry that your family and your little boy have gone through and continue to go through this grueling long wait. I can't imagine how utterly heartwrenching that is. I am praying for you. May the love you have for King grow more and more with every hurdle, and may he be able to come home quickly.

[Coley]

Thanks Angie - that means a lot to me right now. I feel like I'm bipolar with this whole thing. I was one a high on the week when the SW said things will be handled by a lady that was just returned from sick-leave, and then it all came crashing down the next week when she said that it probably wouldn't happen until July. If I wasn't emotionally unstable before this process, I sure as heck am now!!

[deirdre]

Nicole,

My heart is with you also. I really cannot imagine how frustrating that would feel. It is a time for ultimate surrender, I guess. I really hope for you and for King that it CAN happen soon. Until then, I hope you can find peace in the everyday, letting it go to the powers that be.

Be well, and know so many folks are wishing for your family to be all together soon.

Deirdre

[HollieOR]

Nicole (is that right?),
I haven't been on the boards in months, but today I got on for some reason and I saw your post! God must have known you needed someone whos been there, eh?! I know we've talked before online....but OH how well I know how you feel. We waited 2 years to go to Thailand for Aiden (although we thought originally we would wait less than a year) and I know you have been waiting that long already!! Poor thing.

First question, are you with Holt? I remember having my first "big" breakdown around the same as what your telling me........we also were waiting on this or that well over a year into the adoption, were told it would be done, then told it probably wouldn't happen because of the Naitiveland tours until much later (just like you were told). It is so devastating, there are no words.....
I think about this time I really started to wonder if I was strong enough to wait it out. I thought maybe I should switch programs, I just didn't know if I could be so CRAZY for any longer period of time. It is an emotionally rollercoaster, and yes I felt completly psychotic most of the time! Some days were good, hopeful, strong. Other days I was sad, frustrated, and defeated!
I think for me it took a few months of contemplating a change, and having to "let go" of Aiden before I decided-NO! He is mine, I am his mother and nobody is going to advocate for him, besides ME......His mother. SO then I just tried to take the reigns into my own hands (which isn't really that easy with international adoption we all know). I contacted Holt and talked with them. They have always been really great to us. I told them how I/we were feeling and that I needed something, they really did a lot of leg work on their end. I dont know if every agency would. I talked about making a visit to Thailand to meet him and see what I could get done in advocating for things while I was there but at least I would have something. Holt didn't say no to this idea, but they really hoped they could get everything taken care of before that would have to happen (and in the end they did pull everything together). But it was tough to wait through those last couple months. No I didn't have the money for an extra trip to Thailand, but felt that I would find it somewhere if I could go.

You can do this, but I do understand that at some point we have to draw the line at how much we can take(and our families, right?).... I kept thinking, is this just a waste of time/energy/heartbreak? But in my mind I wondered if Aiden would ever get adopted if we didn't wait for him, especially now being an older boy.
I am here for you......if you want to talk! No judgements, I get it and its so hard..........Hollie
PS.. I'm sorry you have to go through this!

[Coley]

Nicole,

My heart is with you also. I really cannot imagine how frustrating that would feel. It is a time for ultimate surrender, I guess. I really hope for you and for King that it CAN happen soon. Until then, I hope you can find peace in the everyday, letting it go to the powers that be.

Be well, and know so many folks are wishing for your family to be all together soon.

Deirdre

Thank you Deirdre!

Nicole (is that right?),
I haven't been on the boards in months, but today I got on for some reason and I saw your post! God must have known you needed someone whos been there, eh?! I know we've talked before online....but OH how well I know how you feel. We waited 2 years to go to Thailand for Aiden (although we thought originally we would wait less than a year) and I know you have been waiting that long already!! Poor thing.

First question, are you with Holt? I remember having my first "big" breakdown around the same as what your telling me........we also were waiting on this or that well over a year into the adoption, were told it would be done, then told it probably wouldn't happen because of the Naitiveland tours until much later (just like you were told). It is so devastating, there are no words.....
I think about this time I really started to wonder if I was strong enough to wait it out. I thought maybe I should switch programs, I just didn't know if I could be so CRAZY for any longer period of time. It is an emotionally rollercoaster, and yes I felt completly psychotic most of the time! Some days were good, hopeful, strong. Other days I was sad, frustrated, and defeated!
I think for me it took a few months of contemplating a change, and having to "let go" of Aiden before I decided-NO! He is mine, I am his mother and nobody is going to advocate for him, besides ME......His mother. SO then I just tried to take the reigns into my own hands (which isn't really that easy with international adoption we all know). I contacted Holt and talked with them. They have always been really great to us. I told them how I/we were feeling and that I needed something, they really did a lot of leg work on their end. I dont know if every agency would. I talked about making a visit to Thailand to meet him and see what I could get done in advocating for things while I was there but at least I would have something. Holt didn't say no to this idea, but they really hoped they could get everything taken care of before that would have to happen (and in the end they did pull everything together). But it was tough to wait through those last couple months. No I didn't have the money for an extra trip to Thailand, but felt that I would find it somewhere if I could go.

You can do this, but I do understand that at some point we have to draw the line at how much we can take(and our families, right?).... I kept thinking, is this just a waste of time/energy/heartbreak? But in my mind I wondered if Aiden would ever get adopted if we didn't wait for him, especially now being an older boy.
I am here for you......if you want to talk! No judgements, I get it and its so hard..........Hollie
PS.. I'm sorry you have to go through this!

Thanks for logging in today Hollie! We are not with Holt. I know that our agency contact is very frustrated with this whole thing but there's little that she can do. We've been lucky enough to have contact with King during the wait through the agency and the orphanage - emails, photos, packages - all on a fairly regular schedule, but it really makes things tough. We would move to Thailand to foster him before we'd be able to let him go at this point - he asks about his "mom" and "dad" on a daily basis. We have talked about going there early to see what we can do in person, but we've learned that with the new i800 process, it could jeopardize our ability to get him a US visa.
Did you end up getting your paperwork before Nativeland, or was it afterwards?

[HollieOR]

I think it was afterwards..... but after that it all went rather quickly. We traveled in October. A little different situation tho, so who knows?! There wasn't much Holt could do either, but they contacted A LOT of people and because of there long history of work there, I do believe it helped our case! They even discussed it when one of the Head Holt people traveled there. That made us feel special!

[Thailand71]

Oh gosh, I normally lurk but had to join up. Would you be willing to tell us who your DSDW worker is? Perhaps we have the same one?

[Coley]

Oh gosh, I normally lurk but had to join up. Would you be willing to tell us who your DSDW worker is? Perhaps we have the same one?

I'm not sure who is "assigned" to us. I know our agency speaks with one lady in particular but I'm not sure she really has anything to do with the movement of our case. I feel bad for all the bugging she gets on our behalf though. I think I've come to terms with our wait at this point. It literally cannot go on forever....every day is one day closer to bringing him home - even if it's not as quickly as I would like or on our timetable.
How long have you been waiting?

[Thailand71]

We've been waiting 19 months in the DSDW direct queue. We know our social worker's name. I've been told that each social worker maintains their own files so if they go offline for weeks/months nothing happens, as they don't hand their work off to anyone else.

[Coley]

We've been waiting 19 months in the DSDW direct queue. We know our social worker's name. I've been told that each social worker maintains their own files so if they go offline for weeks/months nothing happens, as they don't hand their work off to anyone else.

Are you guys in the healthy child program and awaiting a referral, or do you have a kiddo identified? We know that King's child history (which took 16m to create) has been at the dsdw office since January. With the new that the mystery worker has returned, I'd have hope but with nativeland coming up, that's not the case. it's a tough road.

[tyjac]

Coley,
You are in my thoughts. As a parent of an older adopted child I can't imagine waiting so long. We waited a yr to bring our 7 yr old home from China and at times i worried what he might be thinking as to why we had not come yet Try to stay strong and push forward.

Nicole (is that right?),
I haven't been on the boards in months, but today I got on for some reason and I saw your post! God must have known you needed someone whos been there, eh?! I know we've talked before online....but OH how well I know how you feel. We waited 2 years to go to Thailand for Aiden (although we thought originally we would wait less than a year) and I know you have been waiting that long already!! Poor thing.

First question, are you with Holt? I remember having my first "big" breakdown around the same as what your telling me........we also were waiting on this or that well over a year into the adoption, were told it would be done, then told it probably wouldn't happen because of the Naitiveland tours until much later (just like you were told). It is so devastating, there are no words.....
I think about this time I really started to wonder if I was strong enough to wait it out. I thought maybe I should switch programs, I just didn't know if I could be so CRAZY for any longer period of time. It is an emotionally rollercoaster, and yes I felt completly psychotic most of the time! Some days were good, hopeful, strong. Other days I was sad, frustrated, and defeated!
I think for me it took a few months of contemplating a change, and having to "let go" of Aiden before I decided-NO! He is mine, I am his mother and nobody is going to advocate for him, besides ME......His mother. SO then I just tried to take the reigns into my own hands (which isn't really that easy with international adoption we all know). I contacted Holt and talked with them. They have always been really great to us. I told them how I/we were feeling and that I needed something, they really did a lot of leg work on their end. I dont know if every agency would. I talked about making a visit to Thailand to meet him and see what I could get done in advocating for things while I was there but at least I would have something. Holt didn't say no to this idea, but they really hoped they could get everything taken care of before that would have to happen (and in the end they did pull everything together). But it was tough to wait through those last couple months. No I didn't have the money for an extra trip to Thailand, but felt that I would find it somewhere if I could go.

You can do this, but I do understand that at some point we have to draw the line at how much we can take(and our families, right?).... I kept thinking, is this just a waste of time/energy/heartbreak? But in my mind I wondered if Aiden would ever get adopted if we didn't wait for him, especially now being an older boy.
I am here for you......if you want to talk! No judgements, I get it and its so hard..........Hollie
PS.. I'm sorry you have to go through this!

Hollie how is Petch doing?