Preparing kids at home

[deirdre]

Hi All, and Happy Spring!

As we are getting closer (June or Sept?!?) to receiving a referral, naturally we are talking about the upcoming adoption around our house more often. Our two bio. kids (especially our 5 year old son) began expressing fear/concern about his new sibling feeling 'different', and 'not a part of the family'. I listened to his concerns, and said what came to me, (it may feel different at first, but we will feel like family soon....) but after I got to wondering.

How have other folks responded to these types of concerns to prepare their children for something they have never done before?

Does anyone have any ideas/resources/experiences around this topic?

Thanks for your time!
Deirdre

[Di+Jer]

It's hard to prepare your kids because there are so many unknowns. However, we tried to prepare our kids for the chaos that may occur. Our most recent adoption was from India so we downloaded some videos online of what India looks like, showed them what the Hindi language sounds like. We talked about how it would feel to not be understood when you talk or to not be able to understand when others talk to you. We reviewed some basic signs, visited Indian restaurants and talked about things we could do to make DD feel more comfortable. We helped the boys pick out an appropriate toy to give as a gift. We talked about how she may cry a lot at first, that she will miss her Indian family, that she will need a lot of attention and they would have to be patient. This all sounds fine and dandy when you're talking about it before it happens but I don't think they really "got it" until she was home. Fortunately her transition went relatively smoothly and my boys (both 4 at the time) really surprised me and stepped up and handled the situation very well. I don't know if you know any other adoptive families, but it may be beneficial for your child to see other families that look like what his soon will. My boys are friendly with a family that has a bio son and 1 son adopted from Korea. They're not best friends by any means but I think it has been beneficial for them to see that families all look different and are still "normal" families. Maybe investigate some adoptive events in your area - our HS agency does a picnic every spring and there are a bunch of families that are all different shapes and sizes. My kids see families with caucasian parents and AA children or whatever and they don't even bat an eye - at this point it doesn't even occur to them that those may not be the child's parents.

[deirdre]

Thanks, Di for so many great ideas! Videos and language and just talking more about it I think will help...

Unfortunately, we live in such a rural place, I know of no families with both bio and adopted kids. There are few families with interracial adoptions, and we have spent some time with them. I will see how I can reach out to more diverse families when we travel to bigger areas.

I also think just talking about their fears and concerns will help.

Thanks again, deirdre

[Chris and Terri]

Ditto Diana! She always has great advice.

Another thing to add - I learned to tell my boys that when they were toddlers, I spent a lot of time with them. Keeping the safe, keeping them occupied, loving them, helping them with various things. The kids don't remember being toddlers so it's important to let them know that when they were 1-2 yrs old, they received the same amount of time, dedication, love and support as the new family member. My boys didn't get jealous. They just had to become more patient.

I live in an area that isn't blessed with diversity. So we talked a lot about diversity and how lucky we are to have 2 cultures in our home. We also discussed what other kids might say and that they may or may not intend to be mean and what a proper reaction would be. My boys are older though - 8 and 10 when we brought Mia home.

Terri