"star of the week" help

[gaylors79]

DD Is going to be "star of the week" in her preschool class, age ranges from 3.5-5.5. She is not the only adopted child in the class, however I don't know the other adopted child's mom at all and rarely see her (it's a daycare/preschool) so I am not comfortable bouncing ideas off her as far as the "short biography" goes.

I have some ideas, but are there any suggestions for age-appropriate treatment of her story? I do plan to respect my DD's privacy regarding how she came into her foster home (she is from China). In my mind though a 3.5 year old and a 5.5 year old who is going to enter K soon have 2 different levels of understanding adoption. DD is just starting to "get" it on a basic level (she's 3.5, home 1 year). This will be the first time DD's story is being shared with others, and I want to make sure I get it right.

Sara

[henry&tessmom]

Is the bio a requirement? My DD did the "Star of the Week" thing in K, and she just made a poster about her favorite things (family, pets, friends, activities, etc.) and used photos we had. She did put a flag of Korea on it to represent where she was born, but other than that, hers was just like the other kids. She didn't express any interest in highlighting the adoption stuff, so I didn't push it.

[nebraskamom]

Normally, "star of the week"/"student of the day/week" doesn't go into family background. They might tell if they have brothers or sisters, pets, favorite foods, etc. But typically it is fairly light.

[Lillie]

Is the bio a requirement?

I had the same question. If it were I, I would start by simply asking your daughter what she wants to share. I wouldn't ask it as a leading question, but rather without prompting her either way about her adoption and beginnings (e.g. What would you like to share when you are the "Star of the Week"?). See what she says. She may bring up her adoption and her beginnings; she may not. Let her take the lead. She can always talk about the things that henry&tessmom mentioned such as family, pets, friends, activities, etc. She is under no obligation to share her story if she isn't interested in doing that or isn't ready to.

[gaylors79]

Yes, they want a short biography, like 1 paragraph long. I can ask DD, but she's a typical 3 year old in that she, well, doesn't understand what a biography is. If I ask her her story, she will tell it the way she hears it from us! The parents are supposed to write them up, so I want to be positive and simple.

The poster is really easy, they want pics of the kid and it's questions like favorite book, movie, color, food, etc. It's the bio I'm not sure how to deal with.

Sara

[Lillie]

It's up to you, but while the teachers may want you to provide a short biography, you still don't need to share her adoption story if you don't want to. She can always say something like "I was born in China and moved to the United States when I was 2 (or whatever age she was when she came home)." (minus the adoption story) and then add some content related to her current family situation. I think it is an important for kids to understand that their beginnings and their adoption narrative are theirs to share with whenever and with whomever they choose. If you want to share something about being adopted, you could, but you are under no obligation to.

[henry&tessmom]

Totally agree with LIllie. Henry is going into 7th grade, and he's had lots of assignments where he had to write about himself/a bio. He's never opted to write about being adopted. He does say that he was born in Korea, and then came to the U.S. but he just kind of glosses over the adoption details. He *talks* about it freely, but for some reason he does not like to write about it in his school assignments. That's his choice and it has never been any problem with his teachers. I was worried this year because his teacher wanted a lot of details, but instead of focusing on the day he was born like the other kids did, she encouraged him to focus on his first birthday, and it was absolutely no big deal.

[Lori at the Beach]

I also agree with Lillie about the biography portion of the "Star" poster. When my son had this project we focused on his interests.

[russjen1218]

It's up to you, but while the teachers may want you to provide a short biography, you still don't need to share her adoption story if you don't want to.

That's exactly what I was thinking. There is no need to start at the very beginning and include your DD's adoption story, that's her personal story . I was thinking along the lines of Lillie ... something like, "I was born in China. I came home at ___ years old. I live with my Mommy and my Daddy ... and go on to describe bio since then."

[K-Pop Mama]

If it were I, I would start by simply asking your daughter what she wants to share. I wouldn't ask it as a leading question, but rather without prompting her either way about her adoption and beginnings (e.g. What would you like to share when you are the "Star of the Week"?).

This.

This is supposed to be fun; it's preschool for heaven sakes! You don't have to say, share, or do anything your girl and you don't want. Even if they have asked for a biography, I'm sure the rules on this project are flexible. You probably don't need to, but if you feel uncomfortable, just explain to the teacher. Anyway, people misuse the term 'biography' all the time. They probably just want her to generally share about herself, anything she wants--most likely likes and interests. Have you had a chance to see what the other kids have done? I mean, what three-year-old has a life story worth sharing? If you really must give a biography, I agree that you don't have to start from the very beginning of her story.

Good luck and just enjoy. She's the star the week!

[gaylors79]

Thanks everyone...that's sort of what I was hoping to do was make it fun but its obvious she's adopted, plus there are older kids in the room (through age 5.5). She's new to the class so I haven't read the other stories, in fact they are not even on display. So I will go with the "I was born in China and came to US to live..." route.

I'm really excited to visit over lunch 1 day that week! Just hope she let's me leave at nap time!

Sara

[K-Pop Mama]

Sara, glad you have a direction for the project! Sounds like a great plan. You're awesome for being a concerned mom! Being Chinese American is a very special part of your daughter's story and she should definitely be proud--more power to her!

When you said "it's obvious she's adopted", it reminded me of an experience I had a long time ago. It's a bit off topic, but I wanted to share. Years ago in college, I volunteered for Big Brothers, Big Sisters as the proud 'big sister' to a little boy who was clearly a differnt race than me. I came into his Kindergarten class several times and introduced myself as his big sister. None of the children thought twice about their belief that we were biological siblings. An older student from a higher grade asked how it was possible that we were brother and sister because we looked so different, but the five year olds in his class were confused by this question and insisted that that could have nothing to do with being brother and sister. This was so sweet. How innocent! In this day and time, I don't think anything is obvious anymore. Families come in all kinds and of various races, biologically or otherwise. America is multicultural and I think it's great.

[LindaNJ]

I agree with others that it's fine to gloss over the adoption part. If you or your child is not comfortable with talking about it, it's fine to leave out.

But here is the other side............Grace is the only asian in her entire class. Starting in nursery school, we give an annual presentation on the Lunar New Year. We always start by simply stating that Grace was born in Korea and we adopted her when she was a baby. We show the picture of our family standing infront of Gungbokgung palace. Then we go on about the Lunar New Year. Each year, I tell a little story about adopting her. One year, I talked about Matt crying, saying he was all alone and wishing he had a sister. Told of how excited he was when we adopted. her. Show picture of him seeing her for the first time and pointed out how happy he was in the picture. This past year (1st grade), I talked about how I always said if I had a girl, I'd name her Grace. Grace's Korean name means Grace. Like a sign from God that she was the child I was meant to have. In every presentation, I only mention adoption briefly and then focus on the Lunar New Year. Grace always approves what I say before hand.

I think this effort has gone a long way in helping her to feel comfortable talking about adoption. It's also becomes common knowledge to the class that Grace is adopted. Matt is 4yrs older so I get "advanced notice" on upcoming projects. In 4th grade, they do a timeline of their life. Grace will make her first stage being adopted from Korea and probably put our family picture infront of Gungbokgung. She will be comfortable and it's "old news" to the class that she is adopted. In 5th grade, you have to do a project on a family member who immigrated to the US. Matt did it this year on my grandfather (deceased) via my father. Teacher said when Grace gets to 5th grade, she could do an adoptive family member or herself. Grace said she wants to do my FIL who immigrated from Ireland. I think she choose that because she wants to interview a grandfather like Matt. I think FIL will be perfect because he is living. He can talk about being born in another country and immigrating like her. Will be a great project for her.

They say that kids start to notice "differences" around K and 1st grade. Matt (bio/caucasian) starting getting asked in first grade, "Why doesn't your sister look like you?" My experience is that while it is visually obvious to adults that Grace is adopted, not all kids are familiar with IA. Matt has been asked many times, "Why doesn't your sister look like you?" by kids at school. It is clear that these kids were not familiar with IA. My advice is that by briefly talking about adoption at a young age, Grace is comfortable with talking about adoption and it cuts down on questions. I have stressed to her that her adoption story is private and not sharing it with the world --that's paraphrasing. We have had long conversations about her story and privacy. We do talk about her birth family or history. But we do talk about adoption in a positive light. I talk to Grace about the importance of educating others about the positive aspects of adoption. Maybe when the other kids grow up, they will consider adoption themselves. She is very happy to do that.

Matt (BIO) has two IA students in his class. (Grace has none ) They always gloss over the adoption part in projects. I always wonder if it's like ignoring the elephant in the room for them. They aren't comfortable talking about it, so they ignore it in the project. But it has to be something they are thinking about while completing the project. My hope is that Grace will include it briefly and be comfortable with it.

Big factor for us: Matt and Grace go to a small Catholic school--about 500 students. Everyone gets to know everyone--very much a family atmosphere. We also see students with their families at Church. Grace will be with these kids from nursery through 8 grade. So the kids in nursery at 4yo are the same kids that are with her now---the age where kids will start to question her. If she was in public school--where there are 9 classes in each grade, it might be different. Another factors is that the Catholic families are VERY supportive of adoption. I wonder if she would get the same reception in public school where some may not be supportive of adoption.

So the other side of your options for this project is to use it to briefly talk about adoption. It's a chance for her to start to talk about adoption and become comfortable with it. Maybe it will decrease questions in the future.

[henry&tessmom]

Matt (BIO) has two IA students in his class. (Grace has none ) They always gloss over the adoption part in projects. I always wonder if it's like ignoring the elephant in the room for them. They aren't comfortable talking about it, so they ignore it in the project. But it has to be something they are thinking about while completing the project. My hope is that Grace will include it briefly and be comfortable with it.

Big factor for us: Matt and Grace go to a small Catholic school--about 500 students. Everyone gets to know everyone--very much a family atmosphere. We also see students with their families at Church. Grace will be with these kids from nursery through 8 grade. So the kids in nursery at 4yo are the same kids that are with her now---the age where kids will start to question her. If she was in public school--where there are 9 classes in each grade, it might be different. Another factors is that the Catholic families are VERY supportive of adoption. I wonder if she would get the same reception in public school where some may not be supportive of adoption.

So the other side of your options for this project is to use it to briefly talk about adoption. It's a chance for her to start to talk about adoption and become comfortable with it. Maybe it will decrease questions in the future.

Henry glosses over it for assignments, but he doesn't gloss over it in life, if that makes any sense! He talks about adoption freely with us and with his friends. The other day coming home from wrestling camp, we gave a ride to a kid that he knows, but who isn't a really close friend. I have a keychain with my kids' Korean names and American names hanging on my rearview mirror, and the kid asked about it. That led to a conversation about adoption and Henry was very comfortable talking about it. i think that it's somewhat similar to the way I talk about my infertility... I would not write an assignment about it that was going to be posted in the hallway of a school, but I am certainly comfortable talking about it with my friends when appropriate. He has included it, but not made it the main focus of reports, etc. (For example, he had to write a paper about an important invention, and he chose an airplane because he said that if it wasn't invented, he would not have been able to be adopted and come to the U.S.) I also think it's related to age: You may find that as Grace gets older she just doesn't want to make a big deal about her adoption in school/with her friends. It doesn't mean she is ashamed or uncomfortable with it ... at 12, the kids I know just want to fit in and not stand out for any reason (unless it's for being really awesome at sports! LOL).

Also, our public school friends and their families have been very supportive of adoption, it's not even an issue. Why would people at a public school not be supportive of adoption? Henry and Tess have been going to the same schools, with the same kids, since K so it's a very similar situation: There are only 250 kids in their elementary school! Their friends from school, sports, etc. just see us as their parents, it's absolutely no big deal and nobody has ever said anything negative to them about it. If it comes up, the other kids are just curious and actually think it's really cool that they were born in Korea and have names that "mean something." I was a little worried that it might become in an issue this year for Henry in middle school because it's a bigger school that takes kids from four elementary schools, but there were absolutely no problems adoption or race-wise. i think it helped that he has friends from all four of the "feeder" schools because of sports, so everybody already knows our family and just see us as "us."

[LindaNJ]

Also, our public school friends and their families have been very supportive of adoption, it's not even an issue. Why would people at a public school not be supportive of adoption? Henry and Tess have been going to the same schools, with the same kids, since K so it's a very similar situation: There are only 250 kids in their elementary school! Their friends from school, sports, etc. just see us as their parents, it's absolutely no big deal and nobody has ever said anything negative to them about it. If it comes up, the other kids are just curious and actually think it's really cool that they were born in Korea and have names that "mean something." I was a little worried that it might become in an issue this year for Henry in middle school because it's a bigger school that takes kids from four elementary schools, but there were absolutely no problems adoption or race-wise. i think it helped that he has friends from all four of the "feeder" schools because of sports, so everybody already knows our family and just see us as "us."

In my work environment, where I dealt with people of various races, cultures and religions, I had many say to me, "I'd never give my baby away!" They talk very negatively about birthmothers who place their babies for adoption. I have found this especially true in the lower income AA community, but also among single white mothers. If she went to the public school, there would be many lower income AA and many more kids with single mothers, would it be different.