Unkind words

[Linda in NJ]

Grace is in first grade. For the first time, a boy made fun of her eyes. I feel like the teacher handled the situation appropriately, but looking for suggestions for helping Grace deal with this heartbreaking experience.

The desks in Grace's classroom are grouped 6 desks together. The kids face each other. One of the boys in her group pulled back his eyes and said in a mocking tone, "I have Asian eyes like Grace!" A girl in the group raised her hand and told the teacher. The teacher came over to the group, asked what happened and then made the boy apologize to Grace. The teacher spoke to the table only. I think this was appropriate rather than making a spectical of the whole incident infront of the class. This teacher is awesome and has 2 adopted children. I think she handled it well.

I talked to Grace about what the boy did isn't right. You should never make fun of someone else. Words hurt. I also used the example of the boy in her class with red hair.
Last year there was a problem with a boy calling him, "Ginger". We had talked back then about not calling him "Ginger" as that is making fun of him. I told her that the lesson for her to learn is not to make fun of others--it's hurtful.

The problem is that Grace is still upset about it. She didn't think the boy was sincere. He only apologized because the teacher made him. But I think the real problem is that nothing is going to erase the heartache his words caused. As they say, you can't take back words.

This boy is one of Grace's best friends. She has gone to school with him for 4 yrs. When she did her first presentation in preschool and came out in her hanbok, he said, "Oh Grace, you look like a princess!" It's not like he is a horrible, nasty kid. He did somehting wrong and he was corrected. Also, school ends in less than 3 weeks and this boy is moving to Ohio. She will never see him again.

Any suggestions for what to say to Grace to ease her heartache? She is a very sensitive child. She is incredily loving and compassionate, but also gets her feelings hurt easily. This incident would be difficult for any child, but even more so for her.

Would you call his mother and maybe ask him to write an apology? I know his mother well. She will die a million deaths if I tell her. She would undoubtedly make him write an apology to Grace. But is that overkill? He was corrected and apologized. Isn't that enough? Do I really need to drag his mother into this? Will a letter from him ease her heartache or just drag out the problem?

Thanks,
Linda

[ecuador2004]

In my expereince you are not going to be able to change the Other kids... You can only work on yours...

Her eyes do look different from many of the other kids. She is of Korean heritage - and from what you have said before you have already laid the base for her to feel more pride than shame about this.

So - yes she looks different than the white kids. She even looks different from others in her family.

But - she needs to get to where she is OK with this. She is beautiful - and her eyes are beautiful. She is unique and that is a positive thing.

Other kids may say things about her eyes - not all are saying this to hurt her feelings. Many people are just curious about her. However, there are people out there who are afraid of and unkind to people who are different. Those people have a problem. Grace does not!

Unfortunately I am sure this is not the last time she has to deal with things that will hurt her feelings. She needs to be able to deal with this - and she needs to feel OK with talking to you about it. (that gets harder as they get older).

[The Princess Mom]

All of my children have been made fun of for one reason or another. In the end, we've discussed that this is how God made you and it is perfect. I've also told them that all kids have insecurities and we just don't know what they are and many times those insecurities make them say things to tear other people down in order to make themselves feel better about them. I also tell them that they need to toughen up because all through life these types of things happen and it isn't about them but about the person doing the mean things.

My youngest son is very small for age. very. He's 14 and just hitting puberty. This idiot girl was making fun of his size etc. on a school trip(a 10 day Washington DC trip). Loudly and often. He, on his own, went to different people to find out what her insecurities were. Then, he decided to articulate them. Loudly, to the other kids. That shut her up for the rest of the trip. Maybe not nice, but effective. It sucks that this happens to him and it's unfair, but he's had to grown a tough skin. I believe it will help him achieve his goals at some point. Stupid kids.

[NorthPoles]

Something similar happened to our daughter at the beginning of this school year except that the child involved also encouraged the rest of the group to join in making fun and there was NO teacher intervention. Our daughter is six and is absolutely the sweetest child. She loves everybody and always assumes that everyone loves her back. She was very upset about the incident at first but seemed to cope pretty well. We talked at length about never, never making fun of others because it really hurts. We also talked about how to speak up and defend herself. I didn't make it an issue with the teacher or the other girl's mom because it turned out to be a one time incident. If it had become an ongoing problem, you better believe I would have made it an issue.

[ZoeKLT]

Personally, I think a situation like this - where a hurtful comment was said by another child who is supposed to be a friend - is different from one where the child is just being a bully. Since this boy is a friend of Grace and isn't (as you say) a horrible, nasty kid, I would actually try to address it vs. just ignoring it. If it were me and it was my child, I would encourage Grace to talk with him and tell him directly how much that hurt her feelings. I think sometimes we need to teach our kids to ignore comments. Sometimes they should have a clever retort. And sometimes, they should educate - especially if the person seems to be the kind who can be taught. While he can't take away the words, having her tell him how much those words hurt can go a long way towards healing the pain that they caused.

My older son had a similiar situation (though not about race) - but from the other side. He was trying to be funny and did something that really hurt the feelings of another boy. He said he was sorry and got in trouble with the teacher - but I didn't think that went far enough. The other little boy was a good friend of my son's, which made it even worse in my mind. I explained to my son how he violated the other boy's trust and how, as a friend, he should be looking out for his friends and not tearing them down. Honestly, I tried to make my son feel as guilty as I could, because I wanted him to realize that he really did the boy wrong. My son apologized AGAIN - but with understanding of why it was wrong - and their friendship is stronger because of it (he's actually supposed to be coming over for a sleepover this weekend).

[henry&tessmom]

I'm so sorry Grace was hurt. She's such a sweetie!

This is a tough one because it doesn't seem like the boy was intending to hurt her feelings at all, he was just making an observation. (She does have beautiful Asian eyes!). He didn't say she was ugly, or that there was anything wrong with her. *I* think the eye-pulling is what makes it wrong, but that may not be what bothered Grace. What matters is how Grace feels and why. Even if the boy didn't mean to hurt her, he did. I would focus more on her reaction than his behavior. I'd try to find out why exactly it hurt her so much (Is it what he did? That *he* did it, and they are friends? Or is it that she felt singled out/different?) I bet the boy knows he did something wrong now, and will never do it again. He probably learned a very important lesson. Does he need to write her a letter? Probably not from his standpoint, but if it's something that Grace needs, it might not be a terrible idea. I don't know why, but I get the hunch that she is so hurt because this kid is a good friend of hers and she feels betrayed or something. If it was anyone else, she might be over it by now.

Henry and I often have conversations about race. When he was younger, he thought that just mentioning someone's race was racist. I told him that it's OK to say that people are black, or Asian or whatever... just like it's ok to someone is blonde or brunette, or green eyed. It just describes the person physically and there's nothing wrong with that. It's when you ascribe characteristics (negative or positive) or treat people differently because of their race, that's racist.

(Interesting about the Ginger thing: Henry has a few redheaded friends and they all call themselves Gingers as a source of pride!)

[BrenandKaia]

I personally would not contact the other mother about this unless something further happens. Especially since the boy will be out of her life very soon. The incident happened in school and was dealt with by the teacher. There is no way of knowing if the boy will be more sincere in his apology even if he is reamed out by his mom or if it is explained further. You really can't make another person be sincere. I also would be concerned that if a bigger deal is made about this that Grace will end up thinking the eye thing was more insulting than it was. And will become even more sensitive about it should it happen again.

Not sure I explained this well....words are just not coming easy today

[Barbara]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to Grace - such a sweetie! And hugs to you too, Linda!

Based on what you've written, I don't think you need to contact the boy's mother. If they were friends and he did apologize and he is leaving... I'm not sure it would really serve any further positive purpose. I know you do such a great job with communicating and sharing with Grace! I'm thinking that just more of that might need to be done... helping her to get to a place where she can resolve the incident for herself and that will help her in the future.

More hugs to you both and good luck!!!

[ecuador2004]

Honestly, I tried to make my son feel as guilty as I could, because I wanted him to realize that he really did the boy wrong. My son apologized AGAIN - but with understanding of why it was wrong - and their friendship is stronger because of it (he's actually supposed to be coming over for a sleepover this weekend).

My own DS also got in trouble for "making fun" of a girl who he was close to before. He actually brought her to tears. I explained how bad it can be for girls in Jr. High - and that since they had "dated" (12 yr old dating - odd concept) she probably had feelings for him so it hurt her even more. I kept talking about this until I saw tears in his eyes.

He did not understand WHY this girl took his comment and actions so badly. He does get it now. He apologized - via a text that his father read! He was give then choice of apologizing over the phone with us listening - or over a text that Dad read.

It had been more normal for us to worry about HIM being bullied - it was a shock when the mother called me to say he had made her daughter cry!

[ZoeKLT]

It had been more normal for us to worry about HIM being bullied - it was a shock when the mother called me to say he had made her daughter cry!

Our school is part of a city-wide anti-bullying program. One of the creators of the program (a psychologist who specializes in this, I am told) said that everyone plays every role - bully, victim, bystander - that it's a very, very small percentage of kids (mostly sociopaths) who are ONLY the bully and never the victim or bystander. I know that I have seen that with my own children - my elder son, the one who specifically complained about being bullied at school, has also been a bully - sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.

[JJ's Mom]

The problem is that Grace is still upset about it. She didn't think the boy was sincere. He only apologized because the teacher made him. But I think the real problem is that nothing is going to erase the heartache his words caused. As they say, you can't take back words.

Any suggestions for what to say to Grace to ease her heartache? She is a very sensitive child. She is incredily loving and compassionate, but also gets her feelings hurt easily. This incident would be difficult for any child, but even more so for her.

Would you call his mother and maybe ask him to write an apology? I know his mother well. She will die a million deaths if I tell her. She would undoubtedly make him write an apology to Grace. But is that overkill? He was corrected and apologized. Isn't that enough? Do I really need to drag his mother into this? Will a letter from him ease her heartache or just drag out the problem?

I think one of the best lessons my kids can learn is that sometimes we can only hope to control our own response and our own feelings toward the other person/the situation. I sure wish someone had made me practice that when I was growing up.

Personally I would not think of asking for an apology letter for a number of reasons....mostly because I don't see it being any different (if you have to ask for it in order to receive it!) than the possibly insincere apology already demanded by the teacher and given by the boy. Another person's apology or the (lack of) sincerity associated with it is definitely not something we can control, and I think these and similar lessons are essential for children to learn, especially sensitive children (I have one, too). They will someday been in DEEP trouble (IMO) if allowed to learn that it's okay if their emotions are frequently dictated by things that are completely out of their control.

I might respond a little differently had this not been addressed adequately (or at all). But it has been. Now, even though still very young, she can start to learn that she does have a choice about how SHE will choose to think about this. One option (and I'm not saying it's the right one, but it would certainly be discussed in my family) is just plain forgiveness! Did this boy do this because he knew it would cause her such terrible heartache? I very much doubt it. He probably doesn't realize how personal words can sometimes be. Anyway....how about just initiate a conversation about what her choices are at this point, where she can come up with some possibilities. Maybe she'll come up with an idea to write to HIM, and say how bad it made her feel, but that she doesn't want to stay hurt especially since he is moving away soon! (?) [I just thought of that, it would be kinda cool if she did that....it would help HER and might be the most effective thing HE could hear, too! - - - but only if it were her idea]

Good luck with this. I'd like to hear how it comes out.....

[momof2boys]

wait, If I understand this correctly---it sounds like the boy is her long time friend....has remarked she looks like a princess in her Hanbok and has a wonderful Mom who has brought him up to be a good kid. Do I have it right?
B/c what this sounds like is----he made a mistake. He "joked" in a not funny, not good way and hurt Graces feelings. And a non-sensitive kid would be over it and have forgotten. But Grace is a very sensitive child. {I was an ultra sensitive child too. Ugh. not easy. but I grew out if it! it took a long time to not be ultra sensitive}

So what I am thinking is......grace and the boy could get together at some point w/ you and/or the other mom as well and just, in a direct but gentle wau discuss it and how Grace still feels "hurt' or "sad" about it. If the boy is alone, not around other kids, I feel there is a chance for him to say something like---oh Grace I am sorry! I didnt mean it and it wont happen again. or maybe something close???

whatever happens, good luck. I love asian eyes. and non asian eyes!!!