My story........:(

[jssj]

My Story..........Sad

I was adopted from Seoul Korea into an American family from Wisconsin when I was about 4 1/2 yrs old. Ever since I can remember, I have been unhappy and treated differently than my adoptive parents biological children. I am the only child that was adopted. I have 3 older brothers and a sister. My parents never really made me feel comfortable in their home nor did they treat me the same way. I remember being extremely quiet growing up because it seemed like I could never do anything right. I was an obedient child and never tried to do anything that would upset them. They were not emotionally attached to me nor did they make me feel like I was loved, wanted, or appreciated. I lived most of my life in my bedroom. When I would come home from school I would go right to my room because my mother never had anything to say to me nor did I feel comfortable around them. I was always getting yelled at for things that were beyond my control. I was a sensitive child that just wanted to please them and make them love me, but no matter what I did, it was never good enough. For most of my young life I thought it was all in my head so I never really told anyone although in the back of my mind, I really knew something was not right. The one person in my life I was close to was my grandmother. When I was about 18 years old, she had opened up the flood gates into my life. In a conversation I had with her, she told me that she knew I was not treated the same and was a great confidant. For the first time in my life I knew that I was not going crazy. I was extremely close to my grandmother and was able to share information with her that I was not able to share with anyone else. She had brought up examples of situations that I did not know anyone was aware of and made me realize that I was not in the wrong and had not done anything wrong. My grandmother has since passed on, but that is the day I realized that someone cared. Most of my life I have been unhappy, depressed, lonely, and have even thought about suicide. I could not talk to my parents nor did they make me feel like I could open up to them. I dealt with all of the personal / difficult things in my life alone. I left my home when I was 19. I wrote my parents an 8 page letter that they have never responded to. This was not a mean letter by all means, but just a letter expressing my sadness and personal struggles growing up and living with them. To this day, I have absolutely no relationship with my adoptive parents. As a family we do get together for holidays just like any other and they will call to let me know that they are having Christmas at their home and what time to be there, but that is all of the conversation we have. We pretend to have a "normal" family". My parents are more like acquaintances to me. I really do not know anything about them, nor do they know anything about me. When I was 20, I got pregnant by a boyfriend I was living with and had an abortion because I did not have any family to turn to and at the time did not have a boyfriend that was willing to stick by me. I now regret that decision and have lived with it my entire life.

I have had many people tell me throughout my life how lucky I was to have been adopted, and can only smile and say yes, I am lucky, but inside I know that I would have liked to have lived a different life. Anyone can food, clothe, and shelter you. It takes real caring people to love and appreciate you as a human being, to give you unconditional love and understanding.

I am now 32 and married. I love my husband but he is not the type of person that really understands what I am going through. He is a nice guy who is very quiet and mellow, but just does not seem to really understand nor seem real interested. I cannot blame him for that. Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand others when we have not been through the same thing or have walked in their shoes.

I guess I am wondering if I am alone or if there are other adoptees that have gone through what I have gone through and also wanted to share my personal story so someone else does not feel like they are alone.

Although I am happy now, I do not feel that my life is complete. I do not feel that my circle is closed and feel that I am missing a piece of the puzzle in my life. I am starting the search for my biological parents, but I know that it will be difficult since I was abandoned there is not a lot of detailed info about the early part of my life.

[kimmeesook]

hey lady... i just replied to the other thread... but will copy my response here as well...
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wow!! jssj you have so much inner strength and courage. you have evidenced these qualities and more through writing your post and sharing the struggles you dealt with growing up. i admire your determination and endurance to succeed despite your painful history. you've got guts, lady.

i have a similar history in that i grew up thinking and believing my birth parents abandoned me physically while my adoptive parents abandoned me emotionally and mentally. i was not close to my adoptive parents either and never felt like what i did was ever good enough to please them. i finally stopped trying. similarly, i am not that close to my parents, and speak with them every few months and see them maybe twice a year, unlike my brothers (non-adopted bio children) who speak with them on a weekly basis. my parents and i used to go round and round in our fights, but make no mistake tho, i do love them inspite of everything.

it is definitely much more difficult to grow a healthy sense of ego if those who are to love you, care for you, and provide for your needs are those who fail to do exactly that. it's discouraging, disheartening, and depressing, but what that means for us is that if and when we are able to finally get to a point to do that for ourselves... we have learned to value ourselves and what we have accomplished so much more. the best we can do is live in a way that would make ourselves and our parents proud b/c in reality, the only expectations we need to live up to is our own.

hindsight is always 20/20... and regrets are killers and rob us of spirit and strength. it is so much easier said than done, but i hope one day you can forgive yourself and release the guilt that holds you captive. a mistake is a mistake is a mistake. if you take away your emotion/feeling from the experience and look at the experience in the context of your life at that time, i hope you can see that at that point in your life that relationship was what you needed. there is no right or wrong here. i hope in time you are able to see that and can heal.

so... you are not alone and have made a connection with someone who understands and who cares deeply about what happens to you. i wish you peace for your soul, love for your mind, hugs to embrace you, warmth to soothe you, smiles to encourage you and blessings for your spirit and much luck in your search. take care....

[jssj]

Hi Kimmeesook

Fortunately, I am a survivor and I am for the most part, happy. I would now just like to close the circle of my life puzzle.

It was nice to know that I am not alone.

Thanks again for your kind words and for sharing your story with me.

I wish you well.

[mom2cckcj]

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for how you feel and how your life was growing up. I'm not an adoptee, but as an adoptive parent I would be devastated if I thought my daughter thought this about her family. I have no words of wisdom, but hope you find the closure you need or I hope it finds you. I pray your parents will one day realize what's happened and at the very least acknowledge your hurt. It's hard enough for a child to talk to their parents, it doesn't help when they feel like the door has been closed.

(((HUGS)))

[Laurie O.]

Thank you for sharing your story! I feel so sad for your childhood. I look forward to being a first time parent through adoption, and hope to cheer you by letting you know that your story will help other parents (myself included) pay more attention to our parenting skills.

Take care.

[CncshnD]

I'm not even sure how to start responding to your story. It is so completely opposite of my own upbringing. My family never made me feel any different than my siblings who were their biological children. I always felt part of my family. Hearing your story conjured up so many emotions. Anger, sadness, hope, etc. Being that my own story is so different from yours I can't say as I'll ever truly understand the turmoil you went through. I wish I could take you back in time and had you adopted alongside me into my family and been another sister. Let you share in the feeling of being loved and cherished in a family. The feeling of belonging you get. But unfortunately I can't do that. What does make me hopeful is that you survived and now you are in control of what happens in the future. You control how you raise your own family. And I'm confident that despite your past you will not become defined by it. I wish you all the best. And I have faith the future holds a much brighter chapters in your life.

[Leslea Gillum]

I too am sorry to here such a sad tale. My family life i would have to say we the complete opposite. Despite the fact I cannot know what you went through, I want you to know that I am willing to talk if you want,

Leslea

[marmotte]

Hi jssj,

I can completely relate. I was adopted at age 4 and my new family had 3 of their own children. I had a great dad, but my mother had a lot of psychological problems. My mother spent my entire childhood trying to destroy me. By age 10 I was already suicidal. I had a really rough adolescence including running away.

I went through college and moved across the ocean from my mother. I'm really close to my oldest sister and she knows how bad it was for me. Now my mother and I pretend that nothing happened, but I live with it everyday. I actually had my mother visit me once, but I realized that I still hated her after all this time (I'm 36).

I never wanted my mother to love me, but I just didn't want her to abuse me. She would try to make up for it by giving me money or telling how much I was wanted, but to me just made the hypocrisy unbearable.

I have the same response to people who tell me how lucky I am to have been adopted - "If you only knew".

I'm sorry you had it so rough, but I'm glad to hear finally of someone else who didn't have a rosy life after adoption. I don't feel like such a freak.

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[Lanay]

Nothing is more crushing and detrimental than for a child to realize, at an early age, that their adoptive parent’s love and affection is not unconditional nor is it equal amongst the rest of the siblings.

[KimNE]

I have to post this on the open forum due to the fact that I have had many negative responses to my response to this post, both on the open forum and in PM's.

I apologize to any adoptee and any others that have read my responses and took it as condescending and that I was so much better than everyone else. That was not my intention.

For those that know me and have read my own story of being adopted and being an adoptive parent, you know that I am here soley for the purpose of helping.

With my sincere apologies,
~Kim

[Susan K]

Dear JSSJ,
I have read your moving account of your young life. My eyes fill with tears for you. Thank you for sharing this sensitive subject. Your pain can not be taken away but it can be used to help others. I am a religious person and I take the pain in my life and offer it up to the Lord. I ask that the hard lesson in my own life be used to help others. The hard times in my life have created in me compassion and it is that compassion that i strive to share. The lessons are not easy but can bring stregnth which can move the world. Your story and your survival is an lesson to us all.
thanks again
Susan K

PS I am not an adoptee but a bio/step/adoptive mother.

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[sugarplum]

hello,

i'm totally new on this chatting thing on internet... but what i've read so far was quite overwhelming for me...

as i was reading your story, i felt my nerves contracting at times.... of "gentle" rage, because eventhough i didnt have the same life experience you did, there are some things that you say that i can totally relate to feelings-wise.... and it hurts to read people who go through the same thing you do... and just not being there to try to comfort one another....

you know YOUR family, the one you make is the only one that really matters... and eventhough your adoptive parents, and mother were not reassuring nore loving... you are... with your children and family... especially the children...

i've a little girl who's 4, and i give her the best i can.. (which is not always great, but i try...) and eventhough i'm trying to raise her the best i can, but fail sometimes, i give her love, presence, warmth, communication, listenning... i try to give her a certainty for life... the one that makes you feel like you exist... because you KNOW you're loved...

i wont get into my own story, because i dont think i'm quite ready to share it yet, it would be too long... but i DO REALLY REALLY REALLY relate to your feeling of loneliness when you were little, and the sense that whatever you did was never enough, among others...

but it's true eventually, i read that from another message tonight.... we gotta stand for ourselves, and what matters to US today...

i try to remember that some kids in Korea never had a second chance... and if no affection, they didnt have anything at all.. it's really a pittiful consolation... but i guess we were unlucky in our luck maybe...

i do hope you find some peace of mind with all that sooner or later... but remember to enjoy as much as you can life today... with what you've created yourself.... your kids, and your life today... because it's the most precious thing... you still got so long ahead of you, and your kids to keep motivating you...

good luck sister... and thanx for being so courageous to write your story like this, without any mask or drama... simply ... very honnestly...

S.

[jcarfield]

jssj,

i wanted you to know that i got chills when reading your post.

i was adopted at the age of 3 1/2 to a family in nebraska, going through their own set of marital issues at the time. my adopted family comprised of two fighting parents and two older sisters that were their biological children. my parents eventually divorced a year later and my sisters and i remained with my mother.

i'm just beginning to deal with the issues of growing up in an extremely racist "all-white" community (where i was constantly made fun of), with sisters that blamed me for their parents separation and a mother that was forced to work long hours to pay the bills and often came home to take out her frustrations out on me. my sisters, who are 7 & 8 years older than me later admitted that they knew it wasn't right how my mother treated me - the physical abuse and beatings i was dealt for simple things like not being able to find a tupperware bowl in the kitchen, the house not being clean enough when she came home from work or by simply not being perfect. i felt like i was a good child growing up and worked as hard as i possibly could to not only be a good child but to be someone whom she could be proud of. my desire to please her made me excel in everthing i did from academics, to sports, to music, community service and participation in the local church. of course, it was never enough...i remember being slapped across the face because i didn't understand a math problem or punched because i couldn't naturally hear the harmony when practicing a song to sing for church and told that i was a quitter and would never amount to anything for losing a race in track or cross country (although, i was one of the states top distance runners my entire high school career and ran in college). all the way through middle school, there were at least several days each year that i was not allowed to go to school because of the obvious physical bruises and welts across my body from being beaten. fortunately, much of the physical abuse stopped as i got older and bigger.

i ended up earning scholarships to some great colleges because of my hard work that was really driven by my desire to please her and also my desire to eventually get away from home. after i left for college in minnesota, i rarely ever came home and learned to deal with life on my own. my mother would complain about me not coming home for the holidays but i'd often try to find part-time jobs and used the holidays to work shifts that were typically hard to fill to make extra money.

i graduated from school and got married to a girl that my mother adored from the local church back home. during this time, i rarely ever dated in high school or college because i didn't believe that girls would find me attractive and so when i began dating the girl i married, my mother and her family immediately pressured us to get married. we ended up getting married, even though i never proposed to her. two years later, i had a succesful career with a nice house, two dogs and nice cars in denver, colorado to find my wife more less spending all our money going on vacations with her drug addict friends. i finally confronted her and told her that it was her friends or us...she chose her friends and smoking marijuana and doing cocaine.

during the divorce, it was another opportunity for my mother to tell me how worthless i was and that i wasn't good for anything and express her utter dissappointment in me. at that moment, i decided that it wasn't worth having her in my life. it has been over four years since we have spoken. i talk to my oldest sister 5-6 times a year and adore her three daughters that call me their favorite uncle. i'm the most financially stable among my family and my sisters families don't have much, so i enjoy spending time with my neices and taking them on shopping sprees on birthdays, teaching the eldest to play golf and field days every now and then to the amusement park and food with their friends.

I'm not sure why i'm sharing all of this...maybe to just say that sometimes life isn't fair. sometimes, i'm sad that i don't really have a family or a loving mother to call to share lifes frustrations or lifes worthy accomplishments....

However, every adoptee does have a choice and that is to let the cards they were dealt - forever keep them down or to wear the label of an "adopted child" as a badge of courage, strength and survival.

since, i unofficially divorced that terrible person and imposter of a loving mother...i've surrounded myself with good-hearted people and have decided that i've lived a life full of enough sadness and dissappointment and that it's time for me to begin living a life of success and happiness.

i'm now 31 years old and live in NYC, work for a successful software company. i've immersed myself in a korean adoptee group here in the city, as well as a korean-american group. i've come to find out that i might have been wrong all along about not being attractive to women because my friends joke that i have half of the korean girls in the city chasing after me. however, i do have some trust issues and dating is a low priority in my life. Plus, i'm insecure about this label of being divorced. regardless, i do hope to have a family some day, but i think i'm still young and have time to figure that stuff out. life couldn't be any better for me at the moment. of course, i wish i made more money, but i do have my health, my friends, my career and a future full of possibility.

good luck to you. keep your head up. be proud that you are a survivor.

p.s. like your grandmother...i have an aunt that i took the courage to confide in. she is my rock. i haven't seen her in years, but she is my angel that i know i can call or e-mail. she told me that she knew something wasn't right while growing up and sensed something like i had described. she wept and felt guilty for never saying anything or doing anything about it. but, again...hindsight is 20/20 and we can't beat ourselves up for that. it is great to have someone in your life that tells you that they love you and are proud of you. for that...she will forever be my guardian angel.