Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[NorthPoles]

8 months to the day! How perfect. What a sweet post. You've done such a great job with her.

[nebraskamom]

That saying "I love you" is a big step!! And very sweet! It took Meera a long time to tell me she loved me, and her exact words were "I am love you." I remember those words like it was yesterday....

[nahagedorn]

Well...I had a very long update that somehow just disappeared. Now, I am out of time and will have to fill in the details later...

Summary: At 8 1/2 months...

Payal told us she does not like her American name, she calls herself "Palo". She is speaking well, but still uses Indian words. ( not that we mind...and maybe it is because we have all learned them and she knows we understand them...I think sister will forever be "aka" and Dad will be thatha--even though it means grandpa--DH is balding, so I think Payal thought of him grandpa right from the beginning)

I am now "mama" instead of mommy..."mama" was what she called foster mom was called. Now, she tells me her foster mom is "MEAN" (before, I was mean)

Baby Dumbo has been rejected--the only item she has ever attached to...have not figured this out

Her defiance has softened...The dog is safe and even loved! No more biting...

She has grown 4 1/2 inches.

The older girls are doing better...

UGH! so much going on and not time to write it all again...In general, we are happy with Payal's progress. She is such a amazing child! How hard this transition has been for her! It is sad to have to watch her try to "wrap her head" around her circumstances and make sense of them at 30 months!

Please pray for my job/jobs/ or lack thereof...I am seriously considering staying at home for awhile and selling my practice.

[TGBTG]

Nicole, I am so sorry you lost your longer post. ugh! that is frustrating. Thanks for your repost. I am sorry for such a hard transition for your little daughter. She is an amazing little girl. Growing like a weed and everything. God placed her in just the right family. Stopping now to pray about your job situation. What a tough row of decisions to hoe. Wishing your family a peace-filled, grace-filled spring.

Deb

[gaylors79]

Good luck with your job decisions. BTW, K is also going through some new grieving stages similar to Payal. She told me the other day she "no like this mommy and daddy" while pointing at a pic of DH and I with her foster family in China. I asked what she meant, and she said she didn't like us "because you in China but I like this mommy now". I take it to mean that she is expressing she didn't like us at first, which is huge. She also has stopped bringing up the foster family at all, again I think it's just she is moving on.

Best of luck with your continued journeys! I love reading them, I think they should be required reading for all parents considering toddler adoption. Not quite baby adoption but not quite big kid...it's definitely an experience!

Sara

[nahagedorn]

Yes....toddler adoption seems to be somewhat unique. The children are old enough to have memories that they really cannot not articulate, and yet not have the frontal lobe maturity to reason and understand their circumstances.

Our latest event: Payal is hitting anyone that is wanting my attention. She tries to "block" others from approaching me. Tonight, it was DH. We put her in "time out"...a chair in the corner. "You can get up when you say sorry to daddy for hitting" with all of us tired at the end of the week, I was sorry that I had picked this battle. She pouted with a defiant "No!" every five minutes for more than an hour. It is obvious she fully understands. My bio kids would have said "sorry' in two minutes and been done with it. Eventually, we got the same response: appearance of true repentance and what sounded like a heart felt sorry. We then hugged her and told her how much we loved her, but that she could not hit us. When I say I regret picking this battle, it is because I know that her hitting was her frustration over not feeling as though she had had enough time with me. It has been a long week, and I have had to work a lot of extra hours. I wish I had been on my toes and deflected her behavior before she had the chance to act out. I prefer to catch her being good and praise her for behavior like: " you were so quiet while mommy talked to daddy, good job". When she comes like an angry tornado at someone, we just can't ignore it...

There is no question in my mind that a working mom is not ideal for bio or adopted kids...but, the worst situation has to be mine in that my hours are not predictable. I think Payal would be having less issues if I could come home at the same time everyday and she could have a stable routine....we are still working on this issue.

[NorthPoles]

I know I've already said it, but I really appreciate hearing about your transition as a family. You have helped me so much by sharing your experience so frankly. I think about you often.

[nahagedorn]

Just to clarify...what I tend to call a "time out" is more what some in the RAD arena would call a "time in". In other words, we do not ignore Payal when she is in the chair. I will sit right next to her...We then wait together for her to make the "right" decision. Last night for example, she wanted to remain defiant and checkout by going to sleep in the chair...

Although at this point, her behaviors look more like grief/anger/PTSD than RAD we are definitely seeing some characteristics of RAD. To generalize, I think Payal has a lot of anger over being taken away from her foster family that she does not understand. I think it scares her that she has these feelings that she loses control of. I think we need to some how let her express her anger in a safe and acceptable manner. Someday she will understand what happened to her. Until she can understand what happened and that it is expected that she would feel angry, she is confused and unhappy with these feelings...which leads to more unhappiness and insecurity.

DH just got back from the national Neuroscience board meeting. There are some neurotherapy treatments that are showing very good success with RAD...and with rapid results. They are currently working on treatment protocols, and my husband is working on the software. Hopefully, this will be available in the next 12-18 months.

It seems we have a stand off every couple of weeks. Today, after her melt-down yesterday, she was a perfectly normal toddler...Normal in the sense that she exhibited behavior that I am used to see in my bio kids. For example, she wanted to stomp in the puddles at the lacrosse match after I asked her not to. Yay, we are back to toddler 101 parenting--for today. We had a good day together. And, I mean TOGETHER. She did not leave my side all day. She fell asleep in my arms tonight...She always goes to sleep better when I can tell her that I will there be when she wakes up: "no work tomorrow". I do not lie to her...I tell her when I have work and must leave before she wakes up. While this makes for a more difficult bedtime ritual, it is not right to have her wake up and call and go looking for me.. She seems to be understanding that means will see her after work the next evening. She will say," I want to stay home with mommy".

[nahagedorn]

It has been 9 months since we brought Payal home. I have tried to manage it all: busy OB/surgery practice, Chief Medical Officer for a neuroscience company, mom to three girls, wife...But, I finally have to admit that I just cannot manage it all. I cannot do any of it to the quality I would like--especially the house cleaning! (hmm, a housekeeper...probably should have gotten help there LONG ago!)

Tomorrow, we will be sending out the notices to my patients...I have mixed feelings.

I will post an update later...I should have more time.

If I died tomorrow, my legacy would be that of my professional career...not anything I really think my children care about. So, ultimately, my decision was made before I lose the chance to really nurture my own children before they leave the house. My husband has been a "stay-at-home dad" for much of our 18 year marriage. Our "role reversal" has always been due to the fact that I had a much higher earning potential. Needless to say, our budget will need some tweaking!

The added "stress" of the adoption was the final straw...And, we are thankful for this. I will never get time with my children back. While Payal may be the most "needy" right now, I am looking forward to quality time with all my girls!!! It is long past time for me to be the "help-mate". I look forward to helping my husband with his career.

I do not even know where to begin with the house...I may just need to order a dumpster for next week.

Nicole

[dagmara04]

That's a huge change but it sounds like it might be a really positive one! Thinking of you as you navigate this transition.

Amanda

[NorthPoles]

What an enormously courageous decision. I am beaming! Oh so proud of you! I will be praying for you as you face this challenging and exciting new chapter. It's going to be amazing.

[nebraskamom]

A tough decision I'm sure. As a SAHM (with a master's degree I've never really put to use), I'd love to say our home is absolutely spotless, but with four kids, it's not. But I really do get lots of time with the children that I absolutely would not have if working. That to me is wonderful! You may not necessarily enjoy the decision right at this moment, but I'm sure down the road, you will. Enjoy the time with your kids!!

[nahagedorn]

Just one sign I needed to quit:

Tuesday night I was "multi-tasking"...one of my tasks was packing my 11 y/o daughter for the school over-night camping trip. Inadvertently, she got the tube of Desitin instead of toothpaste. She saw the tube and thought "Desitin" was pretty close to "Dentist" so tried it out. She thought it had a funny taste, but did not realize what she had done until she realized she could not spit it out...Good thing she has a good sense of humor! It provided some comic relief at the rainy camp site...

[Michele H]

wow, Nichole, You Made Me Cry!! And Then Laugh!!

I have had several people say that our adopting Nagaraj is a perfect picture of how Christ loves us and His Sacrifice in adopting us when we are not always so beautiful...I just want to say the same to You...what a picture of God's love lived out in you...

[TGBTG]

that's a huge change, Nicole. I can't imagine how hard it would be to take such a huge step back from your significant career. I applaud your decision for the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health of your entire family. I know it will be tough to make this change (so many reactions from one positive action), but I hope you come to find it was the best decision and that you quickly see many benefits from it for you and your husband and your children.
I set aside a career I loved when our first son was born. And though our financial picture leaves a lot to be desired in the "American Dream," our kids are healthy and happy and growing in their love of God and neighbor. These things are most important to our family. They can certainly be achieved without a large income.

I'm not busting on moms who feel like they need to work or just like to work outside the home at all. I just think you'll not regret TIME with your babies. They obviously need you and I'm glad you can be there for them.

Warmly,
Deb