Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[lesliet]

Nicole, I can't find you at all! But I did find out that if I ever go to Germany and yell out, "Hey, Nicole Hagedorn!" about 35,000 women will turn their heads and say "Yes?"

[nahagedorn]

We had our second home visit with the social worker this week (3 months). Our social worker is very "non-threatening". There is no pressure to worry about the house being spotless or if every cabinet has a safety latch. She seems to have a genuine interest in the family and desires to help...not just write her report. Talking to her causes us to reflect...and allows us to see the progress we have made. Her objective observations also were able to point out things that are harder to appreciate when you are seeing them everyday. So, for all of you that are worried about these visits...

We were all encouraged by the visit, feeling like we had overcome the worst part...Then came the POMEGRANATES!!!!

First, to understand this, I need to recap the day we Payal from VCT. Payal was handed over to me after two days of trying to get to know her. The first time I held her was when her foster mother handed her to me and left as Payal cried and begged not to be left, then kicked and screamed. The day was heartbreaking! Payal was given a few things from her family: A small backpack, a water bottle, some hair adornments, raw cashews, and container of pomegranate seeds.

I have continued to give her cashews since we came home. However, I could never find pomegranates...until this week. I was excited to give them to her because,like the cashews, I knew she loved them. She indeed still loves them and thoroughly enjoyed stuffing handfuls into her mouth. It is hard to explain the change in her during this eating fest...but she obviously started having some flash backs. She became obstinate and whinny, then defiant, and angry. She refused to brush her teeth at bedtime. This was accompanied by screaming, kicking, clenching, and some weak attempts (for her) at biting. I held her for about an hour on the bathroom floor. When she calmed down to just whimpering, and I felt she would not hurt me or herself, I sat by her for another period of time. Eventually, we got her teeth brushed and got into bed...her toddler bed is at the same level as our bed and up next to ours. She cried and fussed some more...her whole demeanor and her actions said: you kidnapped me and I hate you for it...and now I am dependent on you, and I hate that, too! It is so hard to watch her in such pain, and to have her reject attempts to comfort her.

This episode was about 3.5 hours. It made us realize that our little girl is not yet whole...will she ever be? Are any of us truly "whole"? It was quite a valley after patting ourselves on the backs after the visit with the social worker whose assessment was that Payal had made wonderful progress.

She has been better in the last few days, but not yet back to her pre-pomegranate state. This week has been hard on my daughters who thought we were "over the hump"--especially after the social worker's visit. They have both been somewhat withdrawn. The dog is also somewhat confused...Payal had been consistently more kind to him. This week he has been subjected to some aggressive behavior again.

Do we use pomegranates to work through this grief/loss/anger/PTSD that is obviously not yet resolved? We are researching this...but for now, we are going to try to recover from this set back and enjoy the holidays...we all need a break and chance to reenergize. So, no more pomegranates for awhile...

Happy Thanksgiving! This is a good time for us to acknowledge all of our many blessings!

Nicole

[lesliet]

Nicole, I love that you are being so honest and real. I think this is stuff that everyone needs to know. It's not all sunshine and roses. We fall in love with our kids the minute we see their picture and we pine for them for months and months and months, but we're strangers to them. Everything you've written so far is exactly what our Nandi went through. She's come such a long way, but we're about to start NeuroDevelopment Therapy with her to help her with those last few "humps".

I'm just so thankful that you're letting everyone know what those first few months are like, so that it can prepare families who are currently in the waiting process.

Leslie

[nahagedorn]

Leslie,
Thank you...By being transparent, I have received advice and encouragement...some from people who are ahead of me and send advice, etc. in PM's, but do not necessarily want to post publicly. This has been very helpful...I would encourage anyone with questions or concerns to post. You may be surprised to see how many have gone through what you have already and will come out of the "woodwork" to offer sage advice.

Just as a side not of interest, we have noticed this week that many of Payal's Indian words have "come back". Yesterday, she referred to my husband as 'Thatha (grandfather) which is understandable because Payal did not have a foster dad...the grandfather lived with them.

So many times I write of the struggles...and not the triumphs. I hope this pessimistic character of my posts does not discourage "newcomers". In reality, I would say that right now we are at about 85% if I had to grade Payal's "wholeness". One day, we hope to have that number above 95%... The only person I know that would ever say their life is at 100% is my mother who could be happy living in a refrigerator box. Obviously, I did not inherit that gene...sometimes I feel like I inherited an "Eeyore" gene. Maybe my 2012 resolution will be to have a more positive outlook instead of always preparing for the worst outcome...

My thoughts and prayers are in India right now with those picking up their children...I pray these children will be blessed and bring joy and blessings to their families this year.

We have our little blessing!
Nicole

[nahagedorn]

We have now had Payal home for four months.

She is continuing to progress in all areas. We still have a "love/hate" relationship in that I am the only one she wants for comfort if she is sick or upset, and I am the only one she really express rage/anger or defiance with. She is adored by all...

She is now potty-trained...even through the night, although we still put a pull-up on at night.

We have what I think are almost normal two y/o "stand-offs" vs "rages". Tonight, for example, she refused to wash her hands for dinner. She laid on the floor and cried while our dinner got cold. After about fifteen minutes of me sitting there and watching her cry, and realizing she was really not going to eat without washing her hands, the tears suddenly were turned off and she washed her hands without further incident. We then had a pleasant meal. It seems like she is waiting for me to hold a grudge or something, but I always do my very best not to let her sense any frustration from me, and simply carry on as if she had made the "right" decision immediately. I am trying to let her decisions to be disobedient carry their own direct consequences instead of seeming like a punishment from me. I also try to limit the number of confrontations we have, and have them in private if possible. For example, when I could sense a defiant stand-off about to occur at the mall I simply did not engage her challenge...She was thinking she was going to sit down in the middle of the mall and refuse to walk and have a tantrum. I picked her up and said "oh, your legs must be tired and you want me to carry you!....and I am going to have to tickle you while I do it! I was able to distract her from her plan.

Tonight, it was obvious she was just wanting to challenge my authority. I chose to take this one on because I had the time, energy, and patience. I know that this was a direct challenge to authority because she knows how to wash her hands, and does so both at home and at school...and usually does so willing when asked. These challenges are more likely to occur at the end of the work week or on a day she has had less sleep. In some cases, I think this is because she is feeling the need for more attention. Many times, I can sense this, and that is why many times I choose to deflect the challenge instead of acknowledge it and give her more attention-- instead of reinforcing in her mind that she can get attention by undesirable behavior.

So, all in all her behavior and sleep have improved. We are still co-sleeping with her. Her toddler bed is on a platform to make it the same level as our bed and it is directly next to ours. She often reaches out for contact in the middle of the night but is content to know someone is there "within" reach. Since we both work, we feel that she may need this closeness. We have no plans to change it anytime soon since we are all sleeping better. She usually wakes up with a smile on her face...which is an improvement. She starts of the day "on the wrong foot" if we have both gotten up to get ready for work,and no one is there in bed when she first wakes up.

We are still having some issues with proper treatment of the dog. There is jealousy of any attention I give to my other daughters. My older daughters have been great, but that said, they are feeling deprived of my attention. I am trying to find time to give them individual "mommy time".

Physically, she has had some continuing issues. She has had vague GI problems with the tests thus far only revealing fat malabsorption and possible IGA deficiency. We had blood drawn again yesterday for more tests after she was sick again last week...

One of the best, yet worst experiences thus far occurred last Saturday. Worst because it was a unpleasant experience, best because it showed me the true character of my 11 year old daughter--my hero!...Picture this: We (Payal, dd, and I )are in the front row of a sold out last performance of the Nutcracker ballet...At the beginning of the second act Payal (without any prior symptoms) becomes violently ill. She vomited amazing amounts of the most foul vomitus I have ever smelled! It was LOUD, UNCONTROLLABLE, and PROJECTILE!!! If we had not been in the front row, it would have been in the hair of at least six people in front of us...so thank God for small favors! I tried to contain it the best I could by holding up her dress. I was wearing my "skinny jeans" and UGG boots. By the time I had gathered her up to remove her from the auditorium, I was swishing eggs, chocolate milk, and pomegranates between my toes. The stench was unbelievable! Outside the auditorium, I stripped her down to her diaper and bagged her clothes. I was COVERED. I found the janitor and he gave me spray and vomit absorbing powder. I doused myself in both and was prepared to go back in to clean up for the sake of those still trying to enjoy the show while pinching their noses. (the Janitor refused to do it) Payal, however, was not letting me out of her sight and started screaming bloody murder when I tried to leave her with my daughter. My DD took the towels, powder, and spray and in front of 900 people cleaned up the vomit of her newly adopted sister...by herself. No one offered to help.
Backstage my oldest daughter (one of the dancers) found out what happened because the others dancers came off stage plugging their noses complaining that some little girl was "pukeing" all over the front row...and evidently, even the dancers could smell it! What a show! How many 11 year olds could stomach that task, let alone by themselves in front of a full audience. Despite the fact that no one offered to help, a man did find dd after and tell her what a great job she did...I am sure others were also impressed by her actions. No one is more impressed than her mother!

We have an US of her abd and pelvis next week ( we are looking for a cause of her GI prob. as well as following up on some ovarian cysts). She has only gained 8/10 of a pound since her arrival and now weighs 22 lbs @ 27 months. She is scheduled to get tubes in her ears on the 29th. We have one more appmt with the ENT before surgery to see if the fluid has cleared...if so, we will cancel the surgery. She had an eye exam last week that revealed significant near-sightedness. This explained why she does not seem to recognize me when I come to the door of her class room. Her eyes are healthy...she will just need glasses in the future. We have not made it to the dentist, yet. We are busy,busy, busy...another year when Christmas cards do not look like they are going to get done.

Payal met Santa...and dds had prepped her to ask for a play kitchen. That said, we are giving her cleaning supplies: mop, vacuum, window washing kit, etc...All toddler sized, but workable. Payal does not have any interest in toys, but loves to clean! ( She also loves dancing, shopping, my Ipad, and pretty dresses...)

Merry Christmas to you all! I have not been able to follow the site as I used to...I will up date again after the Holidays.
Nicole
P.S. did you see 20/20's piece on the "Disappearing Daughters of India"??? It was on last Friday.

[boehmwi]

Hello Nicole,

Thanks again for the update! I appreciate the concept of picking and choosing confrontation. Anthara is a great child most of the day, but lack of sleep and 5-7 p.m. she loves to challenge me. She likes to the opposite of what I tell, and if I start to explain good listening ect.. she will copy my words and actions. Drives me crazy. She laughs and it is hard to get her seriousness back. I stay with flat affect and give some choices and if she doesnt make one of the choices I choose for her. Then the tears come. I am better about feeling bad because she can wake up the next morning and obey the rules of the house no problem.

Yes, I saw 20/20 last Friday. Wow! 50, 000 girls/pregnancies a month are terminated/ended. I was so sad watching that thinking of Anthara as she was sound of sleep in her bedroom. She is a beautiful, caring, bright, happy child and I am so blessed.

Happy Holidays to you as well. Anthara did meet Santa today at the mall. She loved him, and asked for barbies! She was confused when Santa asked for cookies, as she calls them 'biscuits'.

Take care, looking forward to hear how your christmas goes as well!

[TGBTG]

O Nicole! I have an 11 year old daughter and I am sooooo proud of your girl! What a kind, unselfish act! Cleaning up puke in public!!! I think Santa owes her something really nice and grown up--since she acted so grown up.

Glad your little is still improving on many fronts. Hope here USS goes well next week and the tubes too.

Happy Christmas to you and yours!

Deb

[Jane]

Another wonderful update; thank you so much for your time and candor on the board! Invaluable.
Attaching link for those who did not see the ABC- India's Deadly Secret;
http://news.yahoo.com/video/tech-15749651/india-s-deadly-secret-27566497.html

Cheers,
Jane

[wonderfulworld]

Attaching link for those who did not see the ABC- India's Deadly Secret;
http://news.yahoo.com/video/tech-15749651/india-s-deadly-secret-27566497.html

Thanks for the link. The title of this documentary is very misleading. The reporter says the gender discrimination, and the abortion of female fetus as a result is the reason behind the streets are populated with men. I believe the reporter misjudged. A large percentage of women in India show humility in society and don't take center stage with men especially in small towns.

The dowry system is illegal in India. It is a custom in India for girl's parents to give some of their savings (money, land, gold etc...) to the girl when she marries. The intention behind this is not really wrong - it is simply to help the boy and girl to have their own family life. In the United States, when a girl marries a boy, they can have a registry in a Bed & Bath store, and receive gifts from friends and families. That type of system is not in India. But this gift of giving has been abused by families. Some cultures have made 'dowry' as part of their system. That's what the reporter shows in the documentary. It is not the story of whole India though. India is a compassionate country and it's people value life.

Merry Christmas to everyone!

[nahagedorn]

The Holidays were remarkably unremarkable. Payal has been well ever since the Nutcracker. Labs done when She was sick showed mild anemia, NO IGA deficiency, NO Celiac disease or gluten intolerance. It did show labs consistent with either allergies or parasitic disease. Since we have already tested her twice for parasites, we moved on to allergy testing. We continue to have some mild GI distress, but we are treating nothing and just waiting for the allergy testing to come back.

Payal had surgery December 29th for ear tubes, and nasal scope. She did fantastic! We were first case of the day, so we just picked her up early out of bed and took her to the hospital. She did wake up and ask to eat and drink, but we only had to wait about 15 minutes before we took her back to the OR. I carried her into the Operating room, held her in my lap, and held the mask to administer the anesthetic agent. We discussed how stinky the mask was for about 45 seconds...and then she was out. No crying, no fear...I put her on the table and went to the recovery room as I did not want to be a "back-seat surgeon". I was there waiting for her when she woke up. While I seldom pull strings, I was determined in this case to make sure that Payal would not be stressed or anxious...she has no idea that she had surgery--or got stuck five times for the IV and blood draw. She has no idea that any strangers even touched her. I know she will probably need more surgery in the future, so I am glad this went without a hitch...In fact, it was so easy, I wish it would be so for all children...that their parents would stay with them until they were "out"...if there were not lawyers, we could probably pull it off.

We will now wait and see if she seems more comfortable/less whiney, and if her language acquisition increases. She failed her hearing test in India, but obviously hears. She would not cooperate with a test here...we decided to start with the obvious: chronic effusions (fluid) in her ears. We will get the results from the allergy tests in 2-3 weeks...hopefully, we will gain some information that will help her GI problems.

Our biggest challenge right now is my work schedule. Since going to a new computer system, I have been averaging two hours extra every day! This seems to "be the straw that breaks the camels back". Payal has been beside herself with whining. I am back to carrying her every minute I am home. She once again will not even let me go to the bathroom alone. The girls are so weary of her whining and misbehavior, that they have retreated to their rooms with closed doors. Often, I leave the house with Payal just to give them some peace and quiet. When I am at work she behaves PERFECTLY!!! She has happy, obedient, and even helpful! The girls do not want to be anywhere near her when I am home. Then, she becomes angry, mean, possessive of me, and nonstop whiney. I miss my girls!!

Christmas was a wonderful time with just the family. She loves her play kitchen. It is not in the play room, but, rather right in out kitchen-- so we cook together. She got a window washing kit, broom, and mop just her size. She loves to clean and now feels "big" being able to contol the tools herself. She loves cleaning the glass door with vinegar to wash off the dog slobber. The other toys that do not involve "activites of daily living" she really has not been interested in.

I am on call...exiled to the call room. If I go home while on call, I can create great disruption when I get called back for the next patient...so, it seem best if I just "stay away" for the duration of the call instead of come and go. ( this was previously not a problem--until my work got out of hand)

Please pray for us as we try to decide how to adjust our careers to be the parents we should
be, and for Payal that she feels security and love during this tough time.

[TGBTG]

Thanks again for keeping us in your family's adoption loop, Nicole. I am grateful Payals surgery went seemlessly. It would be nice if all kids had parent's so near for so long, but alas it is not possible. She NEEDED it and she got it!!! Praise the Lord for that. Glad she is enjoying her new living toys and that Christmas was uneventful. Stopping now to pray for wisdom for your scheduling needs and extra grace for your whole family, including your sweet big girls.

Deb

[Sandwich in Wi]

Wonderful update!

Glad her surgery went so smoothly! I've been able to be at my children's side for each surgery they've had until they are "out." It is a great blessing.

Do you have a carrier to wear her in or are you just holding her when you have to carry her around? If you don't have a carrier, I'd highly recommend one. I love the Ergo carrier that I have. It's very comfortable on your back, even with a toddler in it. I even wore my 5 year old in it on a vacation. The weight was ok, but her legs were so long!!!

So cute that she loves to copy what you're doing!

I've been there with the sibling issues and it's heartbreaking to find that bringing this new child into your family so changes the dynamics. I'm not there living it with you, but can you gently but firmly make the point to her that the other girls are just as important to you as she is? I know she is needing you because you are gone and all that working-Mommy guilt comes into play, no matter how sure we are that it's the right thing, but remember that it's important to your other girls that they know she is not more important than they are.

I'm trying to find a way to pussyfoot around this and say it gently, but maybe I'll just say it and you can take it or leave it if it applies to you or not: At some point and at some level, her getting attention from you may become a "bullying" sort of thing with her sisters. She'll know if she fusses enough, she can make them go away and have you to yourself. It's important that you show her (and your girls) that they are just as important to you and you will not allow her to dictate whether they can have time with you or not, even if she doesn't like it. At some point it will actually help her relationship with you to realize she does not have so much power. It will also teach her about relationships within a family, that you are all one unit and part of a whole--it's not just her and you. You'll know when the time is right and you can begin saying to her, Mommy loves Ashley just like Mommy loves you. Ashley needs Mommy to help her with homework and you can sit quietly on my lap while I help her. But if you don't want to sit quietly, you can wait with Daddy (or on your bed or in your room or with a video or whatever) until Mommy is done helping Ashley. In our family, we all help each other.

And if I'm being presumptuous or getting the scenario all wrong, just ignore me. This may not be what it is at all and I won't be offended. I guess you didn't ask for advice.

I hope you get your computer issues worked out soon and can spend more time with all your family. Keep sharing your great observations with us!

Blessings,
Sandwich

[Michele H]

Without question, our biggest challenge with 6 adopted kids has been to get them to feel like siblings and like each other. DH and I frequently discuss the why's and wherefores of making this happen. I really have no answers and I've been trying for 13 years. For us the important thing is keep trying and expecting that one day...when they are all mature and can see what a great family they have, it will all come together!

[Sandwich in Wi]

Michelle,

I am right on that page with ya'!

Blessings
Sandwich

[Michele H]

Then again...maybe it's just siblings??? And we want them to be friends??