Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[Jane]

Thank you for the update Nicole, I loved reading about your daughter's bonding with Payal. Thank you again for your time to share your experience. Continued prayers to you and your family through your transition.
Cheers~
Jane

[mbledsoe]

Thanks for another great update, Nicole. I am so glad things are a bit more settled. What a sweet story about your older daughter taking a bath with Payal. You have no idea how much you are helping me not feel like a crazy person.

[Sandwich in Wi]

You have such a good head on your shoulders, Nicole! I'm glad to hear things are settling down a little bit. I was a little afraid, with all our advice, we'd scare you into not sharing your hard stuff here.

I loved your comments about doing your homework and being aware of possible scenarios before you adopt. It ISN'T for the faint at heart. It's a great way to build your family, it's a nice thing to do, but it's not the easy way or the easy thing. In my head I always likened it to breastfeeding. There were times when that was so hard and I wanted to quit, but because I was committed to it, I stuck with it. A less committed person would have just gone to bottles. I see why people do. Obviously, adoption is a much, MUCH more serious commitment (!!) but people need to realize that. It's not been like parenting my birth kids. But would I do it over again? With Holt? With India? With these kids? Oh, YES YES YES! So worth it!

Just blabbing on and on. I'll shut up now.

blessings,
Sandwich

[nahagedorn]

DH made it home...amused by the changes I had made in "survival mode" last week when he was gone. He was especially entertained by watching me effortlessly brush my teeth, wash my face, and carry on a conversaion with him essentially unaware of the "monkey on my back"--literally. Payal will not use the ergo carrier since India....I think she associates it with the trauma of being removed from her foster mom. She crawls up me like a koala or monkey though, so I can be hands free to some extent.

She loves the Wiggles song "Do the Monkey"...unfortunately, not enough to do it by herself! At least this is a form of exercise for me! Note from the time of post...she was up crying again...just got her back to sleep.

Nicole

[library_kim]

Nicole, you're amazing! You're multitasking with Payal on your back!? I think all your past athletic conditioning is serving you well through this transition...you go girl! What an awesome mom!

[nahagedorn]

Six weeks...and counting! We continue to "transition"...Payal is sleeping more hours, but they are fitful with multiple episodes of cryng--most times she does not become fully alert and goes back to sleep when I comfort her. She is very clingy to me. If I leave the house she will cry, but will "make do" with another family member if she has to. If I am at home, she is in my arms--or wailing. The girls are both great with her, but then tell me they feel like they have lost their mother. The 11 year old made the following statement which illustrates their feelings: "Mom, Are you sure that when God said we are supposed to take care of the widows and orphans in the Bible, He didn't mean to just send a check?"
We are hanging in...one day at a time. I am just looking forward to the day when I can go to the bathroom alone, sleep with my husband--through the night, and cook dinner with two hands...
Nicole

[Michele H]

Hi Nichole, you are adjusting!!! Still some bumps in the road ahead but you are headed for the home-stretch...

I love your daughter's comment...my prayer for my kids, as we take care of the orphans is that we can model the importance of giving ourselves to God and others...not just send a check...sometimes, when I'm real tired, though...

[nahagedorn]

I went back to work full time..started taking call again this weekend which means 24 hour shifts at the hospital. We have now had Payal almost two months. She did much better than we expected. Usually, I sleep in Payal's room with her. She has been waking up less upset. She still wakes up 3-5 times a night...but usually just to make sure she is not alone instead of crying like she was having a nightmare(as before). When I tell her I am there and pat her, she will go right back to sleep. When dad slept with her this weekend, she did even better! We think she probably woke up to make sure she was not alone...but realized she was not immediately upon hearing Dad's loud snoring! So, she may need to change sleeping buddies...she only woke DH a couple of times to ask for me. She was satisfied that he was there and with the explanation that I was at work. She is potty trained when I am at work...diapers only when I am home.

Daughters did great being little mothers over the weekend...they said Payal behaves so much better when I am not home as she whines constantly when I am around. The whining is painful like nails on a chalk board...it wears on us all. She turns it on and off like a switch when I leave. I interpret it as she still needs an outlet to grieve her losses and knows I am safe to do it with. Basically, I just have to hold her all the time when I am home...which I think is still ok at this point...especially since I work. It is just hard to get anything done...luckily, the girls are a big help, so we are still able to keep the household relatively intact.

Payal loves Montessori school. This is a great relief...I did not know if one of us were going to need more time off or not. She loves her teacher. Even though she is the only dark child in the class, the teacher is African American and the aftercare director is Hispanic. They are excited about having Payal and learning about her culture with her. International night is this month...no surprise that we will be "India". She will go her her teacher without crying...she does not say BYE, but asks "Mommy pick up?" I will say yes, she will nod and go to her teacher

She eats well and appears healthy. We have a couple of cavities to deal with...at some point in the future. Her skull is somewhat deformed...we are watching that, too. Her blood test looked good...just a little anemic(iron supplement). Ovarian cysts have regressed...only one small one remains. Something not quite right with left hip and gait. Gross motor skills delayed a bit...fine motor is ok. Cognitively, she seems average. Emotionally, normal...considering her circumstances. We will have her two year "Well-child" visit next week. We were not really planning on any therapy or testing right now...but may have to consider it before the end of the year since we actually met our $5000 deductible this year and everything will be covered at %100...just took a tonsilectomy and MRI of my ankle!

So, after two months, we are back into the family's normal schedule, and Payal is along for the ride. She is happy and a tease. She likes to laugh and dance...and get everyone else to dance. She is also strong-willed and opinionated. While we definitely love her, our thoughts of adopting again have been put to the "rear burner" Two weeks into the process, I was thinking we would definitely adopt again. Two months into the process, I am feeling more that our family is complete. If we were 35 instead of 45, I think surely we would adopt again...

Nicole

[mbledsoe]

even your text sounds so much more at ease with everything this week. I'm so glad your transition back to work has gone better than expected. I totally understand about Payal only behaving that way for you. Faith is the same (and Eliza too for that matter). I get all the whining (and 75% of the verbal communication directed at me seems to be whining). Daddy, who is in less demand, gets much more peace. Sometimes it's hard to be the favored parent.

[library_kim]

Nicole,

Thanks for the update...so glad to hear she likes her school! It sounds like Payal is settling nicely into a routine. The help your two older daughters give is such a blessing...I know for me, my son Ian helps so much with Mayur explaining the nuances of American life in his type of "kidspeak" which Mayur "gets" since they are only two years apart in age. Much more understandable than when I try!

Ditto on the aspect of another adoption...never say never but for us, we feel the same. We too were gung ho (okay, me more than the hubster) of one more adoption down the road but right now it's looking like this is IT. We're on the wrong side of 45, and lately we just feel TIRED! Is this what old age feels like?

Blech!

[boehmwi]

Love reading your updates! I am glad things went well for your return to work. I wonder about this too... having to leave work to pick Anthara up at school if she doesnt adjust. It is great Payal is loving school, which you would anticipate because they were used to many kids and the structure at VCT. You are getting more sleep too! Funny, yet understanding how she is when you are gone. I agree, she has you as an outlet and comfort for the emotional side she is working through. Take care.

Carey

[nahagedorn]

Payal has now been home almost two and a half months. We celebrated her second birthday last week. She is doing much better overall. Her "love-hate" relationship has slowly changed from about 50:50 to 90:10. I have only been bitten once in the last week. Hitting is decreasing as well. While I am not sure of everything she has flushed down the toilets, the rug she put in the toilet last night simply would not fit. Only one cell phone is unaccounted for as of today. She does not like the phones as when we talk on them, the attention is off of her...she feels the same way about the computer which she colored all over...For the most part, we are just ignoring the undesired behaviors and praising the actions we do desire. The going to bed routine is down to thirty minutes from almost two hours. She is sleeping well. She wakes about twice a night for reassurance, but generally falls asleep within 5 min. She is in a toddler bed on a platform so she is at our same level and can seen and reach us easily. The defiance is better as well. She behaves perfectly in public. Her need to control her environment has decreased...she is more willing to go with the family flow. She is starting to play by herself with a toy for a few minutes at a time beside me instead of demanding to be held every moment.. Those are the basics.

The most significant changes are really not quantifiable:
She seems to want to please us ( she could of cared less if we were happy with her in the beginning)
She is less pleased when we are displeased with her...maybe because we simply ignore her when she is acting out. It was quite obvious in the begining that she enjoyed upsetting me...when I refused to get upset, she then resorted to bitting....This is really hard to ignore as she has very sharp teeth and drew blood more the once.
She is more relaxed...seems less hypervigilant.
She looks me in the eyes when I feed her a bottle.
She asks to snuggle with me and falls asleep in my arms.
She loses track of me when I am home...she is able to leave me with any family member who offers an interesting activity...mine are usually laundry, cooking, cleaning.
She seems to feel that she is a part of the family not a visitor anymore. She asks where missing members are and when they are coming back.
She seems to feel a responsibility toward the dog...initially, she would call him for a treat, give him a treat, then hit him and yell at him.
Now, she is kinder to him and even points out if his food or water is low. She does not yell at him anymore.
She seems to whine less.

Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed, but when I think of the progress we have made in just two short months, I am encouraged.
With two of us working, we have always run a "tight ship". Everyone knows their part and does it. Our two daughters have never been defiant or disobedient...They have been shocked by Payal's behavior. They have essentially been raised in the "picket-fence" American family...kind of like "Leave it to Beaver" where everything works out well by the end of a thirty minute episode. They have always attended a small Christian school and have been quite sheltered. I do not think my 13 y/o even knows what sex is yet...except that it is when two married people sleep together naked (to make babies). This made for a somewhat embarassing scene when she asked the pastor to pray for our family because she thought her parents might be thinking about divorce...When he asked her why, she said because her parents were not sleeping together anymore--they only sleep with the new baby! They have no idea what marital discord even looks like! I did not to know what to say there on the spot...just that the adoption had put a lot of stress on the family. After he left, I had to wonder what he was thinking! But, I had no short answer...It was after this that we moved Payal's bed into the master instead of trying to leave her in her own room and sleep with her there.

So, all in all, Payal is continuing to adjust and does better each week. We feel so lucky to have such a beautiful spirited young lady...who was OBVIOUSLY cared for and spoiled by many who truly loved her in India. We feel her acting out is her dealing with her many losses. We are glad she seems to be working through this now instead of later.

Her two year well baby visit is next week.

Maybe I will have more to report then.

Nicole

[RachelY]

THANK YOU again for taking the time to write so transparently about your life. I (and clearly many others) really enjoy reading your updates - especially during this waiting time when I'm grasping on to any information I can find about adopting from India... (Our dossier is sitting at Holt, waiting for CARA to clear out the backlog so that they can receive new dossiers.... SO hard to wait!!)
May God give you & your family EVERYTHING you need for this time - physically, spiritually, mentally, relationally and emotionally.

Rachel

[mbledsoe]

That sounds like excellent progress, Nicole. Although it still sounds exhausting. Happy 2nd Birthday, Payal!

[Sandwich in Wi]

Great update, Nicole! Glad things are progressing and you're beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happy Birthday, Payal!

Blessings,
Sandwich