Toddler Adoption: End of thread

[Sandwich in Wi]

Oh.My.Goodness. I was a little apprehensive about reading your latest update. Especially after the really positive 8.5 mo update! I'm so glad it is your JOB you are giving up!!!! LOL

hugs for you though. I know this decision didn't come easy. Enjoy your new role as full-time mommy!

blessings,
Sandwich

[anuvelu]

Nicole
That is a big change (to reiterate what everyone said). As someone who identifies herself by work more than anything else, I can't imagine that. It must have taken a lot of thought and processing and praying before you got here. I hope that you have the time to smell the roses and enjoy your life to the fullest.
Take care,
Anu

[nahagedorn]

Two months ago, I left my job...the first time I have not worked since I left school 18 years ago. Somehow, I just have felt the need to remain silent and "withdraw". When life comes to a "stop", when the "race" ends, only then do you realize how tired you are. I have popped in from time to time...I am so excited for all of you getting close to bringing your children home! I hope that my posts are not a discouragement, but rather useful information/preparation for issues that may come up. Ultimately, you will all have your own unique story to tell as every child is so different.

It has been one year since I walked off the plane with Payal to join our family forever! I would summarize the changes over the past year as very difficult, but with more days of hope than regret. After nine months of trying to balance family and medicine, I sold my practice and am currently at home. My two older children have "hung in there" and have been nothing short of amazing in what they have tolerated this year. I am currently nursing my latest injury from Payal...a torn cornea. ( if you have read past posts, you know this is not the first time I have had significant injury)

While this has not been the worst year of my life, it certainly has been for my two biological children. It pains me to see that despite their sacrifices, just when we think we have turned the corner, we have some sort of set back. While I read of other families celebrating their family day, ours went by with mention only that; " wow. we have been putting up with THIS for a year". For Payal, this was the worst day of her life...she was handed to me kicking a screaming, literally torn from the arms of her foster mother and handed to me by the orphanage director while she screamed NO! So, what is to celebrate??? Adoption is merely an attempt to make right a "fatal error": the separation of a child from their birthmother, regardless of why that separation occurred.

We have put Payal in daycare. The girls needed some time to decompress. They can practice their piano, read, and do their lessons in peace...none of which can be accomplished with Payal at home. Nothing in her reach is safe. She is a little tornado--unquestionably hyperactive. She behaves wonderfully at daycare, with no behavior problems at all. In fact, she behaves wonderfully for everyone but me...yet, I am the only one she wants when I am present. I think she is an angry, wounded child, and I am the only one she can "safely" express her anger to. At least now, I have the energy and emotional reserves to deal with the abuse. She did seem concerned after she hurt my eye. She asks me everyday if it is better yet. She maybe did learn a simple lesson: if I hurt mommy, I get separated from her...Immediately, after the injury, someone else had to drop her off at daycare, and she was the last child picked up at close. I can count on one hand the times my husband has cursed out loud with no restraint, and this was one of them. My vision was 20/400 (legally blind) in the injured eye yesterday..used to be 20/40. We are hopeful that this will improve as the defect heals.

This brings me to the cost of adoption...Many people ask me "how much did she cost?" While we in the adoption world consider this rude and inappropriate--especially in front of the child, it is just one of the many issues we deal with being the parents of an obviously adopted child. But some are genuinely interested--maybe they were also thinking about adoption, etc. And with these folks I offer a way to get together and give information, my email, Holt's site, etc. BUT, practically speaking, there IS a great cost to adoption, WELL BEYOND the cost of travel and fees. Monetarily, Payal's adoption has cost more than $100,000. We have pretty much stopped the record keeping, but it has exceeded this amount easily when we count our time off work and medical bills for Payal and myself. And then, how do you even put a price on pain and suffering, or the loss of vision that could end my ability to return to work as a surgeon? ...But, how can you put a price on a child?

Well, I guess that sums up the "bad, and the ugly"...so what about the "good"??? Yes, now that I have vented the above, there is "good" to report as well. Payal is healthy and growing well. She knows all her letters and sounds. She can count to ten reliably, and to twenty when she feels like it. She is working on the vowels and their different sounds. She is starting to understand the concept of putting letters together to make words. She loves to sing. She swims independently in the pool with just arm floats. She wears goggles and can hold her breath under water for ten seconds. She is starting to learn strokes. She is a great helper. She can make the coffee from start to finish. She can run the washer and dryer. (often she starts a load before I am ready) Due to this "helping spirit" we have to make sure we hide her step stool when we do not want the help. She wakes up once or twice a night still, but goes right back to sleep. (going to sleep is still a problem unless someone is beside her) SHE IS a RUNNER!!! This child has the gate of an aborigine--perfect. She loves to run barefoot and it is truly the way humans were meant to run. She can run a whole mile with the dog. Due to the heat we have curtailed her running lately, but when it was cooler she was asking to "go running" all the time. She leads the family on the path...and we just keep up. She is an extremely anxious child with two speeds: 0 and 100. Exercise seems to be helpful in relaxing her. She is joyful and happy 90% of the time. She adores her older sisters. She is showing compassion to the dog and even starting more "normal" play with her baby dolls. She has become sensitive to "being nice" to others and understands this is the only acceptable behavior...if the older girls use harsh words with each other she says "girls, BE NICE!"

The bottom line: we are a year in with an anxiously attached two year old with some anxiety and anger issues. I will now end this thread as my goal was to go through this process in a transparent manner--not applying the "sugar coat" . Our story will continue with therapy, surgery, etc. but, I think it no longer has a place on this forum. I am so thrilled to see more children coming "home". The process we went through has now changed so much that I do not have much advice to offer. I am hopeful that the new process will be better than the old after the "bugs" are worked out. We love our little Indian princess and will continue to do everything we can to make her life blessed. We hope that when she is old enough to understand her story she will find peace. We are committed as a family to find her that peace.

[nebraskamom]

I have no words to offer you, only "hugs".....please let us know how you and she are doing as she continues to grow.

[NorthPoles]

I have learned so much from you. I will miss your posts very much. I hope you do check in regularly as I think what you are learning will always be applicable to many of our own lives in some way. Even if not right away. Thank you for your transparency. You have been a huge blessing to me.

[gaylors79]

I am sending you a PM, but I also wanted to give some virtual hugs. Payal is improving yes but there are still many things to work on, your family is still divided. Continue to work on it....therapy, etc will help. As a mom who also struggled initially I know things will get better. It's so funny to read blogs, etc and you think by 1 month, 3 months, 6 months etc thing will get better. It took K 6 months to really adjust, it was around 9-10 months before things felt "right". Some kids just take longer to adjust and I think that is the most important part of your thread here...that some kids adjust well and some are like K and Payal and have a rougher time. As my SW said, the foster kids, smart kids and stubborn kids have the worst adjustments. Payal is all 3!

Good luck and yes keep us updated! Hope your eye gets better.

Sara

[ecuador2004]

I just happened to see your posts - I am usually on the Post Adoption Board. My DS was 5 when he came home - my DD was 9. We had many more problems with my DS than my DD and I think the key was really that She was able to understand what was going on - he really could not comprehend it all.

One big break through we had with him was about the concept of a Foster/Temporary home v.s. a Permanent home. He did not get that the Foster Family was always supposed to be temporary. How could he - he was with this family for 4 out of his 5 years! About a year or two after he was home we had a big blow up and he screamed "Why didn't anyone ever tell me that I was not going to be with them forever!". It broke my heart. I told him that they may have tried to tell him - but he was too little to understand this.

I think we also made the transition harder - because we always talked about his Ecuadorian Family - and us as his American family. One day our therapist asked if he still had bio siblings in Ecuador. I told him that he was talking about his Foster Brothers - that we called them his Ecuadorian Brothers. The therapist just said "Don't do that anymore". He explained that my DS was conflicted - because he had left that family. We needed to let him know that we are his Family - for the rest of hs life - and that he would NEVER live there again. It was rough - but it was important and once we got through that he was able to accept us better.

We have been together for almost 7 years now! He is 12 and is doing well. We still have moments - he is still "strong willed" (stubborn) and Defiant. But - he is loving and kind most of the time. I am glad to read about your first year with your Daughter. I hope you will print off these posts so you can share this story with her when she is older.

Also - I have had 2 corneal transplants - and with correction my vision is almost 20/20. I hope your eye heals up as well as mine have - because someday your DD will be ready for you to go back to work!

[Chandana]

Nicole - I have been thinking about you so much recently and want to send an email but finding the 5 minutes to do that has become impossible. I always look forward to seeing your posts and I have learned so much from them, I will miss hearing from you. I hope your eye heals soon and things improve slowly and steadily (well faster would be better but it never works like that). We have been home 5 months with Siddhi and we are getting to a new normal at home. Her grief has not been so strong and it might be due to the fact that we never showed her foster family pictures to us. Everyone at BSSK strongly urged us not to, I don't know if we did the right thing there.

Wishing you the very best for your family.
Chandana

[TGBTG]

Nicole, I said it on your "size" thread also, but that was before i read your final entry on this thread, THANK YOU for helping all of us by sharing your real, sometimes beautiful, but often heart breaking year of transition. God knew Payal would need you for her forever mom. Only a woman of your strength could have parented her with such loving intention through this intensely difficult year. I hope your eye continues to heal. Stopping now to pray for your family again. Grateful for your authenticity and it's help to all of us. Hug Payal from your bb homies and tell your big girls how proud we are of them.

Take care.

Deb