Name Guilt!

[Kim in California]

We felt the same way Wenders11 did/does. We felt like there would be enough reasons to feel different that if we could control one of those we would. As a high school teacher I was all too aware that kids just want to "fit in". We chose to not use any part of our children's Korean names. They have an "American" first, middle and last name. Although my children have 2 full names (their Korean name and their American name), only 1 is legal, but that in no way negates the value or importance of their Korean name. They all have their Korean names on their wall in their room and then on some baby blocks I made on the mantle. They are also tattooed on daddy's arm. We use them occasionally around the house as well. Like Barbara said they had no choice in the changing of their name, so we have told them we will pay if they want to change them someday.

I also feel the same way. I asked imput from teen Korean adoptive kids before naming our daughter. They definately said to use an American name. My boys were instrumental in our choice of a name. Natalie loves that. Like Robin, we did not use Natalie's Korean name in any part of her legal name. She does know what it is and it is a special name to us. She also knows the meaning of her Korean name.
Names are extremely important for identifying with family. We chose a name that is special to us. Her middle name is also very special after a close friend.
A name is one of the most loving personal thing you give your child. We thought long and hard on names for all 3 of our children. They all are special. I am glad I am able to add to Natalie's story the reasons why we named her what we did.
I have zero regrets with the name we choose.
Kim

[Joanne]

It's always a personal choice. We chose to use our children's Korean names as their 2nd middle names, but all of their names have real meaning for us. First names are our very favorite names and our son also has namesakes. 1st middle names are Biblical (and our kids love them), 2nd middle name are their Korean names.
Our kids also know that they can use their Korean names anytime.
Just a fun story, my son,who is 8, shared with his class that he has 2 middle names. The kids think it's TOTALLY cool. Some have even expressed envy! As my son says "I'm kinda famous for it." However, as his good buddy pointed out "Moms use middle names when kids get in trouble. "B" has 4 names. When his mom uses all of his names, she must be REALLY mad."
The same kids also expressed amazement that (according to my son) he has 2 birthdays since technically he was born in Korea and he gets a present when it's birthday in Korean time as well as our timezone!

I understand your feelings on this and there are positives either way you go. We felt it important for our family to keep the Korean name as a middle name and giving our kids the choice to use it if they wish.

Good luck whatever you decide!

[Bmerry]

I forgot to add that we did choose a name that was a direct translation of part of his Korean name. In our paperwork it specifically said that it was a wish of birthmom for him to have a peaceful life and that is why she choose this part of his name that meant peace, so we choose to name him Oliver which was the direct translation. That way birthmom's wishes were kept, the meaning of his name was kept, yet we were still able to "Americanize" it. This helps us with the renaming guilt too.

[bobworobec]

We kept our son's given name and will do the same with our daughter's. We felt that their names were part of who they are and to change them was, in a way, trying to change who they are. My son, who's now almost seven, is proud of his name and his heritage. If he doesn't like his name at some point in the future, he can change it himself - though I doubt this will be the case.

If you get a chance, watching "First Person Plural" is well worth the time. http://www.pbs.org/pov/firstpersonplural/

[elfkin]

Maybe if you do feel guilt, it is your mama instincts telling you to keep his name??? Each of us if different, and different things work for different families. Keeping our kids birth names as first names worked for us.

[Beadmama]

Maybe if you do feel guilt, it is your mama instincts telling you to keep his name??? Each of us if different, and different things work for different families. Keeping our kids birth names as first names worked for us.

Elfkin I think you are sooo awesome! I love that you kept their names. It is not only my decision to make though and I respect my husband's opinion very much. I think everyone has made valid points on both sides and we will stick with Tae Seung Woo. Toby and Tae sounds very cute together too.

[duparsmug]

OK who is with me and has huge guilt about changing their baby's name????

I'm the guilty sort, so, yeah, I felt guilty -- and since we never actually changed our guy's name, I feel guilty about having *thought* about changing his name. But that's me.

Two things: While not changing his name worked for us -- and our guy, I think -- his given Korean name isn't a so-called Korean name, so it fits very nicely into the U.S. playground. (Edited to add: On second thought, Korean names fit in just as nicely. It's the big salad bowl of the United States we're talking about here, after all.) Also, in our guy's predominantly Korean-American kindergarten class, it's just as others have said: Virtually all of his classmates have so-called American first names.

[dagmara04]

OK who is with me and has huge guilt about changing their baby's name????

I'm the guilty sort, so, yeah, I felt guilty -- and since we never actually changed our guy's name, I feel guilty about having *thought* about changing his name. But that's me.

Two things: While not changing his name worked for us -- and our guy, I think -- his given Korean name isn't a so-called Korean name, so it fits very nicely into the U.S. playground. (Edited to add: On second thought, Korean names fit in just as nicely. It's the big salad bowl of the United States we're talking about here, after all.) Also, in our guy's predominantly Korean-American kindergarten class, it's just as others have said: Virtually all of his classmates have so-called American first names.

I do like that you call it a "so-called American name" I have definitely noted that since he is American, his name is American There is such a dizzying array of the names of American citizens, it's astonishing!

Amanda

[Beadmama]

Well the name we chose is Korean....but it is easier for Americans to say. HOWEVER everyone is already saying it wrong too. They call him TY and it is actually Tae (sounds like Taye). We considered the Taye spelling but went with Tae. So I guess he will be correcting all his life anyhow.

The original reason we chose a name for him was they told us about him in Nov. but would not even tell us his name until Feb. It was horrible to know we had a son with no name. We chose one and it made him more real.

I hope he will like his name. When I was little I hated my name and now I love it.

[Linda in NJ]

BTDT, but no longer feel that way!!!! DD is now 7yo. I had always said that if I ever had a girl, I'd name her after my two grandmothers. To name DD anything else would be treating her differently that a birth child. I felt torn like you. So we named her Grace Cecilia So Eun H_____________. Her Korean name is included in her legal name.

Based on my reading and talking to adult adoptees, some are bitter that their AP's "took away" their Korean name. But the more I researched, I think in the past AP's did not see the need to give their child a pride or conntection in their heritage. They are american now, their Korean heritage doesn't matter. As a result, many adult adoptees feel their heritage was taken from them. That includes their Korean name.

For DD, we have worked very hard to give her a pride and connection to her Korean heritage. We go to several Korean festivals each year. We attend a Korean culture camp for adoptees. She has gone to a Korean Mommy and Me class and Korean Taekwondo (Korean martial arts) school. She now goes to Korean school on Saturdays. In all of these experiences, she is meeting Korean children who have a Korean name AND an American name. So from a very young age, it has been "normal" to her to have an American name and a Korean name. In her eyes, all Korean kids have two names. Funny thing is that when I told her that her Korean name is part of her legal American name, she thought it was crazy! She sees them as two separate names! LOL!!

Crazy thing, but dh wanted to get a tattoo for each child. We especially wanted DD to know that she is forever his daughter and equal in his heart with DS(bio). So he had this idea to get a tattoo for each. I'm not a fan of tattoos, but how could I say, No? Turns out, it was a great move. DH had her Korean name in hangual tattooed on his arm. She has known from toddler age that tattoo was for her, it's her Korean name and how to say it. She would point to it and say, "That's me!"

Bio or adopted, I would not want to spend my life correcting people when they misprounce my child's name. I'd hate that for my child as well. For that reason, I'm glad we didn't keep her Korean name as her first name. Her name is So Eun. The sound for EU in Eun doesn't not exist in the english language, so it would be difficult for people to pronouce it correctly.

We are very fortunate that we had planned to name DD, Grace, and her Korean name -given my bmom- means Grace. I do take full advantage of that! I tell DD that when I learned her Korean name meant Grace and was given by her bmom, it was like a sign from God that she was the child I was searching for and the child I was meant to have. It is also very nice to be able to tell her that her Korean name and American name mean the same thing.

So in the end, DD does not see us as having taken her name away. It's part of her and she does feel attached to it.

[elfkin]

I also feel the same way. I asked imput from teen Korean adoptive kids before naming our daughter. They definately said to use an American name.
Kim

My experience has been very different here. When I meet Adult Adoptees, they always tell me how cool it is that I kept their birth names as first names, some wish they had their's as a first name too. Both ways have merit.

[care1230]

My DH and his siblings were born in Korea and came to the US when they were young. They all have "American" names, but family and close friends still call them by their given Korean names. I also have a Korean friend whose family did the same thing.
When our DD came home, we had an American name picked out for her. I had intended to call her Nadia, but I just couldn't change one more thing in her world when she actually got here.
My family all call her by her Korean name, but at church, school, etc, she is Nadia. She does actually respond to both names. Her legal name will be Nadia Ji-hye. Her American name is my bio son's name spelled backwards (he's Aidan). I love that her name has a connection to him. Plus, he also has a Korean middle name so that is something else that is similar. I think she will be Nadia to those outside the family, but Ji-hye to family and those close to her (I actually have a nickname for her and call her Ji-Ji a lot). It was the best of both worlds for us and followed what my husband's family already does.
Good luck with your decision! I certainly understand that feeling of guilt.

[Lillie]

A dear friend of mine became an American citizen this month. I was so happy for her as gaining US citizenship is an exciting and joyous milestone. At the same time, there was a twinge of sadness in my heart that gaining US citizenship meant losing her Korean citizenship. I feel similarly when it comes to a number of adoption-related milestones (e.g. placement day, finalization, gaining of US citizenship, giving a name). For each of these events with my children, my heart leapt with joy, but there was also a part of me that was sad at the losses each of those gains grew from. Do I feel guilty about changing my children's names? No, but I do acknowledge and feel sadness at the knowledge that adoption and many of the milestones surrounding it grows from loss.

As for the practical side, naming is an extraordinarily personal issue. There are a range of opinions on this both from the perspective of adoptive families and adoptees. I do not believe there is one right way to handle this. It's also impossible to know know how any of our children will feel about our choices related to this matter as within the adult adoptee community there are a range of opinions on this.

Ultimately most all of us changes our children's name in some way, whether it was by adding our family name, by adding a western name, or by completely changing our children's names. There are deeply personal reasons for making these choices. I can completely understand the perspective of wanting to keep/preserve a child's name in whole or in part because it is one of the few things our children bring with them. I can also understand the choice to give our children a new name. Many families, like ours take a hybrid approach and give both a western name and keep all or part of the Korean name. There's a lot of variation.

In terms of the choice to change a child's name, I know a number of Korean-American families, for example, who made the choice to change their child's entire name (i.e. not keep any of the Korean name). In most cases the reason was that the naming process for their children was profoundly important to the family. One friend explained it like this: Having their newly adopted child go through the same naming process (who named them and how), have the generational name of the other siblings, and following the naming conventions mattered both to them as a family (nuclear and extended family) and within their communities. Other non-KA families have made similar choices for different reasons. I know families who have children through birth who decided not to legally keep their adopted child's Korean name because they didn't want to set their adopted child apart from their siblings.

For us, we gave each child names that were meaningful to us and had a family connection but we also kept the Korean name. Personally we liked the flexibility that having both names incorporated gives us and our children. If our children chose to change their names legally down the road, that would be okay too.

Legally the order we used is:

* Name we liked (e.g. biblical, family name)
* Name with family significance (multi-generational)
* Korean name
* Husband's last name

In terms of which name we USE on a day to day basis for each child, we routinely use BOTH our children's Korean names AND our children's western given names. Just as my legal 1st name is "Lillie" but my friends and family call me by my middle name, legal order in which you put the names does not mean that either they or we cannot use either name.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is a very personal choice with so much to consider. I do not believe there is one right way to handle this.

ETA - Edited to correct grammar.

[4fromkorea]

Great explanation Lillie

[hosta]

As for the practical side, naming is an extraordinarily personal issue. There are a range of opinions on this both from the perspective of adoptive families and adoptees. I do not believe there is one right way to handle this. It's also impossible to know know how any of our children will feel about our choices related to this matter as within the adult adoptee community there are a range of opinions on this.

Totally agree w/ Lillie. Like most things in parenting (and otherwise) there's more than one way to do things, with no one way being the "right" way. I think as long as you consider the options (and don't just discount the importance of the Korean name or the importance of the adoptive family "claiming and naming" the child) and choose what is best for your family, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

We named our daughter similar to Lillie: given first name, 1st middle name w/ an adoptive family connection, 2nd middle name is her Korean name, and family last name. And like Barbara, if when my dd is older she wants to change to her Korean name, I'll be glad to pay the legal fees.