A family’s faith-filled answer to a common adoption question

Almost three years ago when our baby boy was born in China’s Hunan Province, his parents-to-be hadn’t even started their adoption journey. When our son was celebrating his first birthday with his loving foster family, we were putting the final touches on our home study. We had answered so many questions along the way. Which country? What age? Then, as our social worker met with us for our home visit, she asked us the strangest question: Which gender?

As a childless couple who would joyfully have accepted any child at any point in our marriage, the question took us aback. The answer was obvious. We were open to either a boy or a girl. We didn’t choose China because we wanted a daughter. Our reasons were varied. We were going to China because the Chinese adoption program was straightforward and established—and because of the China Child of Promise (CCOP) option. We were immediately drawn to a program that would match us fairly quickly with a child who had minor, manageable medical needs. A CCOP mom told me their medical conditions checklist had “a lot of no’s,” indicating that they weren’t willing to accept many medical conditions, but they were still matched swiftly and successfully with their son. Beth Smith, Holt’s China director of services, inspired confidence. And, to be honest, we had a gut feeling that our child was in China.

We were right.

Just days after our agency sent our home study to Holt, we got a call. A referral? Already? We were shocked—and ecstatic. It was a boy! He was 13 months old, his special need seemed to have been addressed, he was in foster care, and he was the most beautiful child we had ever seen.

We couldn’t wait to share our news—and our families and friends were overjoyed. We were so caught up in the whirlwind of being newly expectant parents that we were surprised when people started asking, “A boy? I thought China only had girls for adoption.” Swallowing the urge to say, “Don’t you just want to see his photo again?” we explained that many boys in China—especially those with special needs—need loving families. When a family’s entire livelihood depends on having a son who will grow into adulthood, and when medical care is not available or affordable, birth families need to make what must be a heartbreaking decision about whether to raise children with medical concerns. The doctor who reviewed Louis’s file had no worries about our referral, but he also knew that any question marks could most likely be addressed in our hometown, which offers some of the best medical care in the country.

As it turns out, Louis has no special needs by American standards. He has a ravenous appetite, an insatiable interest in vehicles, a passion for singing the ABC’s, and a sweet, affectionate heart. His pediatrician couldn’t be happier with his growth and development. We couldn’t be more enthralled with his personality and his charming—and sometimes mischievous—smile.

Since Louis came home, our responses to the questions about how we came to be the parents of a boy from China have changed. When we landed in Chicago just before Christmas, our son’s understanding of English was minimal and we could be as informative as we wanted to be in our replies. Six weeks later we realized he understood almost everything we said. Eight months later we can easily envision a day when he will be able to answer the questions himself. So our answers to “How did you ever get a boy from China?” become more important for our listening son than the people asking.

Typically we smile and say something like “Aren’t we so lucky!” and talk about how perfectly Louis fits into our family. Louis and his Baba (Dad) have the same perfectionist streak, sense of humor, and enthusiasm for trains. He and his Mama love to cook and sing together. He enjoys reading and going to the library even more than his bookworm parents do. And he proudly reminds us to say grace and says “Amen” loudly at all the right moments at church.

When Louis isn’t with us, or if we get a sense that the person asking might feel tugged toward adoption, we take the time to explain that many boys in China are waiting for families. Still, Louis isn’t a statistic, a spokesperson, or a representation of the changing population in orphanages and foster care. He is our son.

How did we ever adopt a boy who has wiggled his way so surely into our hearts and lives? Only God knows. And we thank Him every day that when we were asked “Which gender?” we shrugged our shoulders and said we’ll let God decide. We could never have picked for ourselves so perfectly.

A few weeks after bringing Louis home, my husband was giving Louis a bath. Amidst the splashing and the laughter, John turned to me and said, “OK, when do you want to go back to China for another child?” That trip won’t happen as soon as we’d like, but it isn’t far off. And when we sat down with our social worker to start the home study for Louis’s sibling, she asked us the same question about gender. We gave her the same answer as before—no preference. “You know you’ll most likely be matched with a boy,” she reminded us.

That’s in God’s hands, we said. And what a blessing that child—our son or daughter—will be.

–Rita and John Buettner

Interested in the China Child of Promise option? Click here to learn more…

by Sue Smith

Soon after Tony and I were married, we found out that it would be difficult for us to have biological children. Tony wanted to look into adoption. I, however, wanted to try for biological children. We tried IVF with donated eggs…twice. No luck.

Eventually, we decided that we really just wanted to be parents. First we looked into domestic adoption, received an approved home study and waited. Three years (and no requests to meet us) later, we decided to look into international adoption. We attended an information meeting held by our local agency, and after reading about the various country programs, and talking to friends who adopted from China, we decided China was the country for us.

During the paperwork process, we kept hearing about (and being reminded about) the lengthening wait times for a child in the standard process. In our mid-40s, we knew that we would not be able to wait the 3 or 4 years after our dossier arrived in China for a referral. That’s when we decided to look into adopting a child with special needs. We knew, however, that we wanted a child as healthy as possible, rather than one with a more acute medical condition.

Soon after we were logged-in, (October 2008), we sat in on Holt’s China Child of Promise (CCOP) webinar to learn more about the program and process. Because a referral through this program was a much faster process, and the children available were more within our comfort zone, we felt that this program was a good fit for us. We viewed the minor/correctable needs checklist and did some research on the conditions. In November 2008, we sent in our checklist, and had a daughter six days later! Tony said: “I knew the wait was shorter, but I figured it would be six months, not six DAYS!”

A little over four months later, we met Meighan and have been home for a year. It was a “match made in heaven,” and we couldn’t be happier. Meighan was born with a very minor cleft lip, repaired when she was 6 months old. Now, at 2 ½, she has very good fine and gross motor skills, smiles and laughs readily, loves to run, blow bubbles, be tickled, and do just about anything outside. She also loves music and dancing.

As far as her lip goes, doctors say it’s a good repair, and I doubt she’ll need more work on it.  Meighan came to us as a “special needs” child, but she’s as healthy as any kid.

Children with correctable, manageable conditions are waiting for families in China right now. Holt’s China program matches these children with families very quickly.  Join Holt’s China Child of Promise Webinar to learn more about this expedited process and the beautiful children in this program.

Click here to view the minor/correctable conditions checklist

We wanted to add another son to our family and, through Holt’s Child of Promise program, we brought Will home just one year and one day after we signed the papers to begin our home study!

When we started to discuss adding a final child to our family, we realized that we had several prerequisites that made it challenging to locate a program that fit all of them. We wanted a son–that was the easy one. We also wanted our child to come home at under 2 years old, and the clincher was that we wanted him to be about 18 months younger than our youngest child at the time. This meant that we would need to complete an adoption in about a year. How in the world could this happen when adoption time-lines are increasing in so many programs?

Answer: Holt’s Child of Promise program. After talking to Holt’s China staff, we became very excited about the potential addition to our family of a child with a minor to moderate need. When a staff member asked me if we were open to either gender, my heart sank….”No, we are only open to a son,” I replied. The excitement and joy in his voice reassured me immediately as he exclaimed, “Really? You want a son? This is great! We have so many boys that need families! Your referral will come very quickly!”

Let me jump to the present! Will is such an amazing little guy! He makes us laugh each day as he imitates what we do, runs around the house after his siblings, and tries to say new words. His smile and giggle bring joy to each of our hearts. He fits right into our family, and although he has only been home for seven weeks, it feels like he has been with us from the start.

If you are frustrated by waiting in the China standard program or contemplating adding another child to your family, I urge you to download the “Minor/Correctable conditions” checklist from Holt’s website and take it to a pediatrician to review. We were very surprised to learn how many children that would be considered “healthy” by American standards are waiting for families in the “minor/correctable needs” program in China. In our situation, our pediatrician thinks that the hole in Will’s heart that labeled him “special needs” healed before the adoption was completed. Holt’s China Child of Promise program was the best decision we could have made…it brought us our amazing son!

by: Elizabeth

My wife Cheryl and I adopted our sons, Alexander and Benjamin, from South Korea, and in 2006 we decided to adopt through Holt International’s China program.

Cheryl had wanted to adopt a daughter from China since at least 2004, and she had an ally in our daughter, Leah, who had been praying for a little sister for quite some time. They finally got me onboard, and we got started on the long road of adoption again. When we received and scanned over the big red book that explained Holt’s China adoption process we were a little overwhelmed. Adopting from China looked a lot more difficult than adopting from Korea.

We started in the standard China program but also decided to be in the Waiting Child program simultaneously. It proved to be a good choice. If we had only been in the standard program, we would still be waiting (possibly years) longer for just a child referral. So our road wasn’t as long as it might have been.

We traveled to China to receive Jenna in 2007 when she was 3 years old. Born with a cleft palate and large birthmark on the right side of her face and neck, Jenna had been abandoned in Shennong Park when she was 1 month old. The cleft palate had already been surgically repaired in China before we received her.

Soon after we brought Jenna home we took her to see several specialists at the University of Iowa Otolaryngology department where they checked her repaired cleft palate, speech and hearing. They determined that she had ear infections and that her hearing was damaged possibly from the frequency of these infections throughout her young life. They recommended at least a couple of hours a week of speech therapy with a specialist.

In the time since, Jenna has had 1 – 2 hours each week of speech therapy. Jenna is on her 3rd set of ear tubes, which have eliminated her ear infections and helped somewhat with her speech. Her speech therapist once demonstrated to me how Jenna’s soft palate doesn’t have the normal range of motion that a normal one has. As a result it takes Jenna more effort to make certain sounds and she tends to speak nasally due to air leakage out of her nostrils. Jenna may require more palate surgery soon, but in the meantime we are continuing with her speech therapy.

Cheryl and I absolutely adore Jenna. She is so full of joy and love. Jenna is very sweet and generous. She loves to play, have fun and laugh and we just know that she loves to be a part of our family. We thank God each day that we get the privilege of being her parents.

Each child that we have adopted from Holt’s Waiting Child program has enriched our family beyond measure. I would highly recommend adopting a child through Holt’s Child of Promise program or Waiting Child program. The Holt China program helped match us with the child who was right for our family, and they helped us through the whole process every step of the way – through all the paperwork, with our dossier, throughout our wonderful experience of traveling to China to receive our daughter, and with our post-placement obligations.

Going through such an adoption process seemed overwhelming at the start, but we just did it step by step. No one step was too difficult. Eventually all of the steps are complete and looking back it doesn’t seem so hard after all. The reward is a precious, beautiful gift from God who loves us as much as we love her.

By Brett Foley

by Kim Delatour

Lily was born with a clubfoot. Although she is considered to be a child with special needs, we only consider her special. We all live our lives as if she has no disability. No one would ever know that she is considered to have one.

When we received our first picture of her you could not see her left foot because it was turned so badly. A few months later we got another picture. My husband noticed both feet were straight, so we really thought this was not our child. Holt called her orphanage in China, and we found out that Lily had had surgery in China four months earlier. The medical records we had seen were from five months earlier, so there was no record of the surgery. Lily was 4 years old. We arrived home from China in March of that year and took her to a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. In April he began a series of castings. The casts each stayed on for a week, and then he  put on a new one. The third cast went above her knee and stayed on for two weeks. Then we had her fitted for special straight shoes, which she wore for about a year or a year and a half. She also wore a brace at night. It was no big deal. That was it.

We go back yearly for checkups, but Lily’s feet are straight, and she walks flat. Because of the scar tissue she lost some flexibility.

We took her to two specialists in New York to see if there was anything else we should be doing. One was at Columbia and one at NYU. One of them goes to China to operate and has two adopted daughters from China. Small world. They both thought Lily was doing great.

Lily wears regular shoes and actually has a shoe obsession. She loves to wear my shoes, especially if they have high heels and make noise. She runs, jumps, can hop on the left foot, plays soccer, hiked in the Rocky Mountains, cross-country skis, swims and rides a bike. The left foot is three sizes smaller so I have to buy two pairs of shoes unless I get boots. Nordstrom will split sizes, but I also do well at Target and Fabulous Footwear with buy one get one half price.

I think a clubfoot is a very manageable disability. I hope this will help others considering a child with a clubfoot. I could never imagine my life without my very “special” child.

by Desiree Bell-Green

You asked about behaviors related to early childhood malnutrition in our daughters. Our child Melissa was very thin by American standards when we received her, although she had been in foster care. We realize that Chinese babies are not as “round” as American babies are, but we feel she was much too thin.

Melissa, our daughter, was 15 months old when we received her in Nanchang. At our first meal, we fed her a small portion of several different foods, and then afterwards, gave her another portion of whatever she seemed to like the best. She learned very quickly that first day, we would give her more of whatever food she pointed at. The first food she pointed to was watermelon. The next several days went smoothly with Melissa eating what we gave her and then delighting in “seconds” of whatever she pointed at. We believe this gave her a feeling of being able to control something of the changes in her life.

Our first morning at the White Swan Hotel was as per usual: Melissa ate a large plate of miscellaneous foods, then pointed at watermelon for “more.” The excitement happened when I brought from the serving table a large bowl of lovely brown lychee nuts, enough for us all.  Melissa jumped excitedly in her chair and pointed desperately to the fruit in the bowl. She downed each of the fruits before I could crack the next one open and remove the nut. She stopped eating only when the bowl was empty, and we feared she would become ill if she ate more. I took a piece of Brie and a small wheat roll from the table for her mid-morning snack, hoping to supplement all that fruit with a little protein.

The first week we were home I went shopping with her and she pointed to a table with double-quart packages of blueberries. Despite not having the ability to wash them, I set a box of berries on her lap and opened them. I figured a few berries would keep her occupied and I would be able to shop quietly. As I watched, Melissa used her thumb and first finger to pick up a berry and taste it. She chewed it happily with her four little white teeth, and I continued to shop. Four aisles over, she handed me the empty plastic box. Stunned, I turned around and went looking for the spilled fruit, but not a single berry was to be found on the floor, the counters, anywhere. I finished my shopping, paid for the box of berries and left the store bewildered as to where she had dumped them. I was soon to find out. That evening and for the next two days her diapers were filled with tiny black seedy material, the residue of two quarts of blueberries!

Melissa is 8 1/2 years old now, but has continued to eat fruit, (especially watermelon and blueberries,) as her first choice of foods. Her diet differs by choice from average American kids, in that she does not eat bread, or junk food, preferring to munch on vegetables, fruit and cheese. She also does not care for soda or candy. She does not care for hard fruit such as apples or pears, but chooses soft ones such as peaches and oranges and other types of melons.

Last year in second grade, Melissa was working on her “Writer’s Workshop” notebook for school. I bent over to read her paper. This is what she wrote:

My Favrit Dessert
My favrit food is frut.  I love watermellon and blueberries best.
I like bree and bread too, but fruts are my favorites.
I like all kind but my favorit is lichi nuts.